8 days....

8 more days and we will (hopefully) see our little one(s).  I am so hopeful, yet every twinge or cramp or minute of not feeling pregnant I am super worried.  With DD I didn't have this fear as we were closer to 12 weeks when we found out.  It is crazy how much more I know now than I did then.  I wish I could go back to those times and being a little bit less informed about pregnancy and all the bad things that could happen.

Other than that...I am tired!  I had reserve drill this weekend and by Thursday this week I will have worked 11 days in a row...not fun in early pregnancy!  I have been going to bed a lot earlier though, and I have found myself falling asleep much easier when I am relaxing in front of the tv...;)

Infertility...and then pregnancy...

I have lost a follower and I am sure I will lose more.  There are some blogs that I stopped following (or checking up on) as the blogger became pregnant.  It stung.  Then the blog turns into a pregnancy blog, and how the bean is doing, etc.  So, unless they were a close bloggie friend, I stopped visiting their blog.  No hard feelings here.  I have struggled with this for 10+ years and over the last year (since my miscarriage) I have grown so much as a person.  The last baby shower I went to was over 2 years ago, yet this year I changed my tune.  I helped a friend register at Babies R Us (evil place for an infertile), and I went to 2 baby showers and made a cute diaper cake for each one.    

The thing about being pregnant after infertility is that it is hard not to write about the pregnancy.  The fears you feel, the questions about what is normal in pregnancy (I had a pretty healthy healthy pregnancy with DD, then another 5 years of IF, then m/c I experienced last year has me a bit freaked out with this pregnancy).  It is almost like you are still alone in your struggle, you have left your infertile friends but the pregnant ones don't understand what you had to go through to get where you are.  This pregnancy is a HUGE deal to me (not that pregnancy isn't to fertile women) and I feel proud to have finally made it here.    

When speaking of infertility, a lot of people don't understand...sure, I have one child, she is the greatest thing that happened to me.  I struggled to get pregnant with her (so many people I know don't know that and I never broadcasted it), and I have been struggling again for 3+ years to get pregnant again.  So yes, I still consider myself infertile.  I am pregnant (at the moment) but I will suffer through this infertility battle every single time I try to get pregnant.      

12 days and counting...

until the 6 week u/s.  Hoping for a viable bean (or beans).  This is so nerve wracking!  I thought the 2ww was bad...HA!

Wowzers...

Well, it is official.  I managed to upset a gal (on a message board) that has been struggling with IF and recurrent m/c.  I didn't mean to of course, it is not like I am some fertile gal or anything, I know the feelings of hopelessness and the feelings that I am not a "real" woman as I struggle to get pregnant.

Ugh...I had a huge paragraph typed up for this blog but it just isn't worth it for me to post it.  I apologized and tried to explain to the gal what I meant but something with me and my BFP must have hit a nerve.  I won't be posting on that message board again.  I am sure my BFP (even though I struggled for 5 years to get it and have suffered a loss) has made a few (or more) women upset.  Guess I will stick to pregnacy boards from now on.

Oh...how I hate drama...but I added to it...:( 

Not very long ago

Last month (my first ICLW) it seemed like every PCOSers blog I visited was pregnant.  I even made a comment somewhere, heck I think I wrote a blog about it...I was feeling so hopeless, I was feeling like another pregnancy was just out of reach...so if you are suffering from IF or SIF (as I struggle with) then I would understand if you decide not to read my blog...I have been thinking about this, even before the BFP...how hard it is to go from being infertile to growing a little bean...you see we were on the last injectables cycle before stopping IF treatment and saving money (and our sanity) to go through 1 IVF cycle early next year (and if BFN then possibly a FET later in the year). 

But now I worry about this little bean, so many things could go wrong...I have 2 more weeks to wait to see if there is a heartbeat.  I have gotten a lot farther than the last time I got pregnant, but that doesn't ease the fears.

Beta #2 Results!

The nurse sounded like she had good news when she called...and she did!  My beta went from 69.9 on Friday to 180 today.  They don't need to see me again until 6-7 weeks for my first u/s.  The issue with that is that there are a few women that need open slots for u/s during that time as they are in the middle of an IVF cycle then so I don't have any idea when I will be getting that first u/s yet.  Definitely after September 4th though as that will be 6 weeks...;)

The pain...

I asked my husband something the other day.  First an explanation, before our 5 year old daughter we were told we would never have kids, then a few years after that we were told a fertility doc might be able to help us (we had to wait to be stationed back in the US as we were stationed in Italy at the time).  So we just gave up.  I didn't associate with people that had kids, I didn't think about kids, I turned away from pregnant women...we thought that if it was supposed to happen then it would.  Well, it did and we couldn't believe it.  We went from 5 years of infertility to 2+ months pregnant.

This time around it has been completely different, I have charted, taken a million opk's, and spent more time at the OB and RE than I would like to admit.  But how do I go from being an infertile to a pregnant lady without feeling guilty or wondering WHY ME?...that was the question I asked DH.  While I was asking I realized that I have helped other women (in real life, message boards, and maybe even through the blog) that have issues like I do (PCOS, no ovulation, etc).  It hurts me to know that so many women out there are dealing with IF, it is just not fair...especially when there are so many that get pregnant and don't even want the babies... 

Before this cycle DH and I had a talk...if we overstimmed again the next step was IVF, if that didn't work and we had frozen embabies we would do one FET.  After that we would be done.  I pray that the beta tomorrow morning proves that we have a viable bean in there at the moment...;)   

Welcome ICLW!

Happy ICLW!!!
This is my 2nd ICLW.  Most of my TTC drama is in the sidebar.  It has been a crazy ride.  Last month during ICLW I was stimming with Gonal f (and down regulating with Lupron) and I was getting super nervous as I overstimmed in May/June.  You see, I don't O.  Clomid was a joke (minus one O on a high dose a YEAR ago, and then a m/c) and since I have PCOS getting the right dose of injectables proved to be a bit hard.  The RE and his nurses wanted to do an IUI for the injectables but I stuck to my guns about thinking all I needed was a good O and that timed intercourse would do the trick...;) 

I finally got another good O (the last one was a year ago) and had my first beta yesterday at 13DPO.  It was 69.9, the nurse said they look for 100 at 14DPO so I should be right on target.  I am a bit hesitant as this happened to me last time (although I was with a clueless OB and not an RE and I didn't have a beta then, but my temps started dropping at around 14DPO).  So, my next beta is on Monday.  Then I guess we will go from there.

What to say and how to say it?

Not really sure how to say it so here goes:

After my down in the dumps day yesterday I went home after work and took a HPT.  I saw a slight hint of a line, DH didn't.  I decided to wait until this morning and take a few tests, hoping for darker results.  Well, yes, I got them.  Faint lines on both wondfo internet cheapies and FRER (First response early result), I decided to use my only digital and it also came up pregnant.  I texted DH the proof.  He asked if we should start telling people, especially after what happened last year (m/c at 4-5 weeks pregnant).  I told him that I think that we should tell, why not?  I learned more about so many people and their losses from being open with mine.   

I am hesitant and not as ecstatic as I should be as I have dealt with early loss before (my last O last Aug/Sep).  After trying for so long I was so happy only to have my hopes and dreams shattered.  I feel different now, different in that I know what to expect with loss.  Different in that I know what will get me to have a "good" O.  Different in that I know I have a chance.  Before the loss I was clueless and had no idea how nervous every pregnancy after a loss would make me.

Beta on Friday and then I am guessing another one on Monday.  Stick baby stick!!!   

Been thinking a lot about IVF today...

So, I started testing insanely early, first it was to make sure the trigger was out of my system (check) and now each day that goes by I get more and more depressed, that stark white space where I am expecting the faintest of lines is making me crazy. 

So I finally get an O after almost a year since the miscarriage.  My next O could be late September (but I have a work trip to go on so that cycle will be hosed up), so most likely it will be late October, unless the RE can delay things a few weeks while I am gone (not sure if they can do that?).  I am expecting to get AF once I am off of the progesterone (unless by some miracle I am pregnant, remember the ovary I O'd from "could" be blocked as per my RE after my HSG), and then I am expecting to have cysts again and go on the pill for 3 weeks.  So the worst case scenario might end up being the best case scenario if I get a BFN by Monday's beta.  But at least I will have tested already and won't end up crying like a baby on the phone with whatever nurse calls.

What to do?  Keep trying this protocol and hope against all odds that I can end up pregnant again, or take the plunge, save our money, hopefully have less stress having to worry through my 6-10 week long injectable/TI cycles and then try IVF next year?  It seems to me that if I am going to go through all the mess with BCP, then down regulating (and minipill) and then stims (very similar to an IVF protocol) then why don't I just go ahead and do it and have a much better chance???  We will have the money for 1 fresh IVF cycle (our insurance doesn't cover anything for IVF).  Past that we will have to hit the lotto or one of us will have to get mobilized to earn extra money. 

Something I have to be thankful for?  My RE's clinic is rated #14 in the US for successful IVF births.  He said (this is approx as it has been 2 months since we had the consultation) that women under 35 (at his clinic) have a 65% chance at a successful pregnancy, but since we already have a child our odds are much higher.  That gave me warm fuzzies...then twins would be a 50%+ chance.  Nice!  Then we would stop there...3 kids is exactly what we want, plus I don't want to ever go through this crap again.

Feeling down and out

This sucks.  All these side effects from the progesterone have me feeling like I am pregnant.  It is pretty funny, ladies on some message boards I go to are congratulating me on IPS (imaginary pregnancy symptoms).  It is funny because I have said numerous times that all the things I am experiencing are from the drugs!  Ugh!  I had some uterine cramping last week, hoping it was implantation, but the list of side effects on the progesterone lists uterine cramping.  Yay.  So I could be experiencing all the side effects and "think" that I could be pregnant.  Wonderful.  I have been testing since 6DPO (trigger was gone), I should be around 9-10DPO right now.  I think 10DPO is early enough to get a BFP, that is when I got the one from my last O (last September).  I will keep my chin up and keep testing all week...just feeling a bit down about it all.  Maybe it would help if I bought some FRER's (First Response Early Result) instead of the IC's (internet cheapies) that I have.  I will not waste the digital pregnancy tests until I at least get a faint BFP. 

Then I find out that I don't have enough Progesterone to last me until my beta on the 23rd.  So I have to call and see if they can send a prescription so I can continue it...

And to add to it all, I think I forgot to take my Metformin and prenatal vitamin last night.  Fabulous.

Post a pic?

I want to post a pic on facebook of my huge, bloated, painful, fat belly from all the fertility drugs I have been on...joking, I just get tired of dealing with all the IF stuff and seeing pics of pregnant bellies, it is almost enough to have me go insane, but not quite.  Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for all those people that can get pregnant.  But it stings!  Living with SIF is ridiculous.  I though IF was bad, but now I am an emotional mess.  (Blame it on the drugs Erica!)   

Anyway, back to the "poor me" rant...It is amazing what Lupron, Gonal f, hcg, metformin, and progesterone will do to you.  Gosh...the progesterone sucks most of all...makes me feel like I am already pregnant.  Barf.

Trigger gone!

So, still feeling like crap.  Well, just having IPS from progesterone, sore chest (LOL), tired, nausea, bloated, and mild cramping pains.  Tested out today to see if the trigger was out of my system and it is, so if I get a + next week then it will definitely be a real one.  Beta isn't until 15DPO (the 23rd), I was debating on waiting until getting the results but I just can't do it!  Especially with all the hpt's in my house. 

So...I believe I will start testing at 10DPO, hoping for that +++++++!!!!  If not, then at least we know the right combination on drugs to not overstim.  Hoping that getting my ovaries working right will get this done...really don't want to pay OOP for IVF.

Trigger!

My first "real" trigger is in about an hour...Last cycle I had to use it to try and drop those 17 follies.  I thought that it would be like all the other needles...nope.  Longer needle and it is quite a bit harder to get in.  So that is what I have to look forward to at 7pm.  Yay.  But at least this time the trigger is for real. 

And we have follies!

So I was a bit nervous before the appointment this morning.  I have been in some horrible pain the last few days.  Tylenol didn't even touch it, thankfully I have a pretty high pain tolerance (but still, it is pretty uncomfortable).  I already have gastrointestinal issues and these drugs haven't helped, plus HUGE ovaries add to it.  My "fat pants" are tight.  I have been keeping myself very hydrated just in case...

Arrived right on time (yay for no traffic), got my E2 bloodwork drawn (she got it on the first time!), and started hunting for follies.  First she checked my lining, she said it is textbook at 14mm...I wasn't concerned about this as I have never had an issue (so far).  The nurse handed me a clipboard to keep track of measurements, I started to get excited!  My heart sank as she started reading off the sizes of the follies on my R ovary, 4 follies all measuring 10-11mm, there weren't many that measured under 10mm, there were probably about 5.  So nothing happened there!  Disappointing...

So 13 days after starting on 75iu of Gonal f, then an increase at day6 to 150iu we have some follies that are pretty close to mature if not mature...On to the L ovary, my hand was shaking in anticipation.  I was looking at the u/s monitor and trying not to smile as I saw some follies that were larger than the others.  So now for the L ovary, 11mm (WTH?), 10mm (uh, hello?), 12mm (better), 14mm (yahoo), 15mm (fantastic!), 11mm, 10mm, and one more 15mm.  Uh, I am doing these from memory, I think I am pretty close...;)

So from what it looks like we have 2 that are the lead follies, and depending on what my bloodwork says when it comes back and depending on when I trigger we will have at least 3 follies mature.  I am ecstatic, yet feeling reserved at the same time.  Don't want to be super hopeful and then have this HUGE letdown.  Plus the L ovary was the one that might be blocked (as per the HSG in Feb, all the dye went straight to the R tube).

The Mother's Room

Have you heard of these?  Some work places have special rooms for mom's to go and have some privacy when they are pumping milk. 

A few months ago, right before my first injectables cycle I had nowhere to put my needle, so I went on a search for a sharps container.  The buidling I work in has around 400 employees and I just assumed there would be a sharps container somewhere....nope.  So, my next stop was the environmental health and safety guy, he had some sharps containers.  He kept giving me problems about it, asking me if I had one at home.  I told him that I do, then he asks why I can't just bring my needles home.  WTH???  Yes, I want to carry needles in my purse into a house where there is a child and other children that visit.  Yes, I can carry around a big and red container with a bunch of needles in it...what a moron.  He asked why I need them, I didn't give him the whole sob story but he got the point.  So after asking if the company is required to put out a sharps container if someone needs one, he agreed to put one out .  All he said was every time that I need to use it that I need to check out key #19 from the security guards.

Key #19 is for the mother's room.  People don't get it.  It was a slap in the face.  There was a breast pump hanging out every single time I had to inject myself a few months ago.  Now?  The gal must not be breastfeeding anymore because the breast pump is gone.  Score.

Stim day 11 appointment

Looks like the lower dosage for 5 days really slowed things down.  On a positive note there aren't as many follies under 10mm as there were on my cancelled cycle in May (there were 25+ on each ovary).

As always, the only issue is my funky ovaries...;)

L Ovary - 6 follies measuring 10-11mm  15 measuring under 10mm
R Ovary - 3 follies measuring 10-11mm  10 measuring under 10mm

Waiting on E2 levels and then I will get the plan for the next few days.  Ugh...you would think that the follies were bigger with all the ovary pain (maybe it is from all the follies that I have?)...so I expect another appointment on Wednesday...