Wednesday, March 31, 2010

My 10 day trip to crazytown...

So tomorrow is the last dose of the 10 day protocol on Clomid. I have been researching like mad, trying to find other women out there that have been on it for 10 days. There aren't many. One of the ladies that I found had issues like I do with never O-ing on Clomid, and the 10 days always gets her to O. So that has me feeling a little hopeful.

So, my 10 day trip to crazytown is almost complete. Then I will have to deal with the aftermath of Clomid. I tend to get the hot flashes after I am done taking it, plus the emotional craziness doesn't actually lingers...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Side effects

So each and every cycle I have been on 100mg of Clomid or more I have gotten some side effects. My most favorite (ha) is the moodiness. At a moment's notice I can go from happy-fun-smiling Erica to depressed-sad-defensive-bitchy Erica. Then there are the hot flashes...those are horrible! All of a sudden I feel a whole lot warmer than I did a minute before. Or waking up in the middle of the night and then throwing the covers off because I am sweating so badly. Weird. I am always cold, but not while on Clomid! Of course there is bloating, abdominal pain (which I get from Metformin too), headache, and sometimes my vision gets a little blurry around the edges for a second, then I blink and it goes away.

I am now on cd10, 2 more days on Clomid. Then the day after Easter I will be assisting the nurses on an egg hunt, but this is an egg hunt on my ovaries. If there are eggs, we'll force them to come out with some HCG (Ovidrel)...if there aren't any eggs hiding out then this cycle will probably end up being cancelled too.

I have been reading a lot of infertility blogs lately, and I found this quote on one of those blogs: "I've walked many paths in my life; many I never wanted to. I've learned that things that should come easy, don't always come at all. And that, though we may be stuck forever in the darkest night of our lives, we never stop longing for the the sun to rise."

Monday, March 29, 2010

Less than 7 days to go

The start of a new week (blah)...the anticipation is building now. I have 3 more days on Clomid. Then the stress of forgetting to take it will be gone, it will be replaced by the stress of no follicles growing again this month. I can't think any further past that for fear of the let down of last month.

After going home from work Thursday my DD awoke with a fever. After a dose of Tylenol she laid awake for a long time. I ended up sleeping in her bed (glad we kept her full size crib) and the next morning I made an appointment for her. I was figuring we had a 90% chance it was strep as another little girl at day care had it too. The culture came back positive, DD was not herself the rest of the day. Poor kid. So I missed work on Friday (darn) and had to stay home from drill on Saturday (darn). She is much better now, but hating taking the gross medicine (some special stuff as she is allergic to a couple types of penicillin).

So we cancelled a trip to California for Easter weekend. And today I cancelled another trip that we agreed to go on in June. Both trips would interfere with a whole month of fertility treatment, yet I can't help but feel bad. I know DH is mad at me (even though he says he isn't) but this is the main focus in my life right now. I am hoping that things will work out soon, but just in case being in town would be beneficial even if I don't get pregnant. That would be one more step to figuring out the right dosage of meds to do the trick.

Nothing else really going on...minus the wait...

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Giving and taking...

Well, it's Thursday. One more day of the civilian job work week and then DH and I get to work this weekend for the US Navy. Chloe is going to my step sisters house for the weekend, she loves hanging out with her 2 kids. They have such a great time together.

I ordered an infertility awareness bracelet last week, it arrived in the mail today. Yea, not much else to say about that.

So the giving and taking...last August the drug that my OB put me on worked. I ovulated and I got pregnant. I was using a CBEFM (Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor) and I was charting my temperature so I saw all the shifts in my temperature that I was supposed to see. That was the first time in almost a year of charting that I saw a definite O (ovulation). About 10 days afterwards I started to feel a little funny, sore chest, tired, etc. I had also noticed that my temperature had climbed higher (good sign for pregnancy). So I decided that as soon as I got home I would take a HPT (home pregnancy test). I did and I saw 2 lines, one was much fainter than the other but that is normal for early pregnancy. DH couldn't see it so the next morning I went and bought some digital HPT's. I texted him the + results. It was great! I kept charting my temperature to make sure that it stayed high.

DH had Navy obligations and wasn't home when I noticed my temperature starting to fall, I knew then what was going to happen. I called the OB office and the ER to ask if there was anything that could be done to save the pregnancy. One nurse that I talked to asked how far along I thought I was, I told her, she then asked me why I tested so early. see if I was pg! Really? She said it would be a lot less stressful if next time I didn't do that. I lost it. So stress made me miscarry? Yea, nope. It was probably a genetic abnormality. No one needs a nurse to talk to them like that. So that was it. God gave me the one thing that I have been desiring for years...and then he took it away. The next day the cramps started. Not menstrual cramps, but something more...they were pretty painful (and I have a high pain tolerance). I don't get my cycle on my own so when it came I knew that it was a m/c (miscarriage). I had to take a day off of work. I don't do that, but that day I did. Thse next 4 mornings were not pleasant. But you know what the hardest thing for me to do was? Telling Chloe why I was uncontrollably crying all the time. She even cried a little with me.

I jumped the gun on that pregnancy, I started washing my old maternity clothes, I knew my due date (May 15th) and after a few days of being pregnant I bought Chloe a "I'm going to be a big sister" t-shirt. Wish I would've gotten it a size or 2 bigger now.

So here I am. Day 3 of 10 on 100mg Clomid. My side effects so far are: hot flashes, nausea, my chest is tender, I'm bloated, I am emotional, and probably a little bit crazy too. Hoping that those follicles grow and we see some type of progress on those non-follicle-growing ovaries.

Almost had a good cry

I am still up, I am a night owl, I have a 4 year old that gets up at 7am almost every morning...why do I do this to myself?

Experiences in my past have made me who I am now, I would never change anything because it has made me the person I am now. Anyway, tonight I met up with some friends for appetizers and we talked. We always talk about our kids, houses, husbands, etc. Then of course I talked about my struggles, what I am going through at the moment with the infertility battle (yep, it is a battle to me...sometimes I think it would be easier to get activated to go to Afghanistan and not worry about this TTC stuff). Tonight I almost said how I feel, I was extremely close. You see, I am mad. Mad at my ovaries, mad at the situation, mad at God. Yes, I said it, I am mad at God. I have trusted in Him for years while I have been struggling with the negative ovulation predictor tests and the negative pregnancy tests. I have asked for strength to get me through this, but lately I have been struggling a bit more. I know there is a reason for it all but I don't like that I don't know what the reason is.

When I think about the times I struggled before I got pregnant with Chloe, I don't remember feeling so alone. Or the feeling of hopelessness...

So in my quest to understand more about PCOS I found a fertility website that had a lot of great information. One thing that caught my eye was a RE explaining that in women under 35 that have PCOS it is not a matter of IF the woman is going to get pregnant but WHICH drug protocol will achieve pregnancy. That is something that I try to remember when I am feeling down and out...;)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


Well the cd3 u/s went well...not so sure I was actually on cd3 though. DH asked me how I don't know what day I am on, well I don't get AF every month and all these drugs make it act different every month that I get it so...hopefully I was pretty close!

I should probably get this blog out there somewhere. I have no clue if anyone is even reading it. But you know what? I don't care. I didn't even realize how much this would help me. To get it all down, well almost all of just feels good. Like it is an outlet for my feelings...funny thing is I don't talk about my feelings much. So this is a little unklike me...;)

Back to the SIF stuff...I asked the nurse at the RE's office how many cycles I am supposed to do of Clomid. After this one I have 4 more. This is technically my 6th cycle on Clomid, but since I changed to a new doctor's office the counter start over. I am guessing the next step would be Femara (letrozole). I have read that there are less side effects (yay) and it works better for women who are Clomid resistant. I am not sure I am Clomid resistant yet, especially since I did O on it once.

So, 8 more days on 100mg of Clomid, then cd16 (Monday the 5th) I have my next u/s to check and see if there are any follies growing this time.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Ultrasound tomorrow

Well Af decided to make her appearance this weekend. I felt blah all weekend...Tylenol and rest helped wuite a bit. So I left a message at the doctor's office and they called this morning. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning, then if everything looks good, 100mg of Clomid for 10 days. Throws the plans off that DH made for a Easter weekend trip to California. It is the LA Angels season opener against the Minnesota Twins, he bought tickets after I told him that it could be close to when I would need to be visiting the doctor. I will find out tomorrow when the next ultrasound is, but my guess is it will be cd12 or cd15. We'll see.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Wow...what a mess...

So I decided I am an anomaly. First, I have a blood deficiency, it is a G6PD deficiency: G6PD deficiency is an inherited condition in which the body doesn't have enough of the enzyme glucose-6-phosphate dehydrogenase, or G6PD, which helps red blood cells (RBCs) function normally. This deficiency can cause hemolytic anemia, usually after exposure to certain medications, foods, or even infections.

Most people with G6PD deficiency don't have any symptoms, while others develop symptoms of anemia only after RBCs have been destroyed, a condition called hemolysis. In these cases, the symptoms disappear once the cause, or trigger, is removed. In rare cases, G6PD deficiency leads to chronic anemia.

With the right precautions, a child with G6PD deficiency can lead a healthy and active life.

Ok, so that is that. Then the whole PCOS thing...I have been googling a lot and found that women with PCOS commonly have a resistance to Clomid. Grrreeeaaat...I know I ovulated once on it, maybe the longer regimen will work...we'll see.

Also, PUPPS...I started to notice a lot of tiny bumps on my legs 3 days after I gave birth to DD (dear daughter). They turned into hives over the next 10 days and I had to go to the ER for some meds to calm me down. It was horrible. I went in to the OB the next day and I showed him the hives, he then asked when I was due. Ha! DD was with me in the stroller on the other side of the room. He flew out of the room and came back with all the doctors and nursing staff that he could find. He explained that I had postpartum PUPPS (pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy). It is extremely rare to get it then...almost all of the women who get it, get it during their 3rd trimester and it fades away after birth. So I asked the doctor how likely I would be to get it again, he said not likely. We'll see I guess...because I am determined to have another child...;)

Monday, March 15, 2010


So here I am...on day 4 of Prometrium. The RE didn't waste any time after the follie scan on Friday. For that I am glad. AF doesn't come most of the time so at least this will help it along. So...another 6 days of Prometrium, then after AF comes to see me I will call the RE's office and schedule a cd1 u/s (ultrasound, I need to get a list of acronyms up on here).

I received some great advice from a friend, she told me to look at this as a 3 month plan instead of a 1 month plan. At first it seemed hard to look at it that way, but considering that I have waited 27+ months it really makes sense to try. There are problems with that scenario though...we are taking a family vacation in June, it will be for 8 days. That could really mess things up. Then I have a 2 week school in July that I have to go to for the Navy and DH will not be no TTC then either! Ugh. I just hope that this all works out right. Plus every 3 months I have to be on BCP to shrink the cysts on my ovaries. So that is 4 months out of every year that we can't TTC. 4 months?!?!? Craziness...

I bought a book titled "Experiencing Infertility", there was a copy in the RE's office and after thumbing through the SIF (secondary infertility) section I had to purchase it. All of the things I have heard people say and all of the things that I have been experiencing are in there. It was pretty enlightening...;)

Enough thinking about TTC for today...

Friday, March 12, 2010


This hurts. Infertility. Every time I POAS I cringe. I already know what the results are going to be. I will NOT give up this time. I am going the distance on this...

I purchased a infertility awareness bracelet yesterday, I will wear it all the time in hopes of someday actually being pregnant again and possibly striking up a conversation with the lady in the OB office that can't look at any of the pregnant bellies. That lady was me until I got the referral to see an RE. I put off going to the OB for months for fear of seeing those protruding round baby-filled bellies. That year was horrible. Every time I went there were at least 5 huge bellied women sitting in the waiting room. It took all I had not to stare and cry. I love that children are not allowed in the RE's office, also once you do get pregnant they refer you back to your OB well before you start showing. That would be wonderful, wouldn't it? Leaving the follie scan that showed no measurable follies and then seeing some big bellied woman in the waiting room. Shoot me!

Oh...and baby showers. Don't even get me started. I can't go to them. It took everything I had to go a girlfriend's shower a little over 2 years ago. Since then I have refused. If just seeing pregnant ladies in church makes my eyes well up with tears, then imagine what a baby shower would do to me. Now I am dealing with seeing all of these ladies at church with their hurts to look at them. And then the eyes well up with tears and I look to the sky to ask God "Why? Why me?"'ll happen


That is what people say....along with "Just have more sex" and "Just be happy that you have one child" or "I can help you out in that department, I have 4 kids!" and many other things that they don't bother to think about before saying.

Relaxing about TTC will not help me. Trust me, I have tried. I have taken breaks when TTC, nothing. Then you have the people that will tell you stories about a friend that was TTC, well they went on to adopt and got pregnant! Really?!?!? So all I have to do is some massive amounts of paperwork, spend thousands of dollars, and then possibly have the mother decide that she wants to keep HER baby? Hummm...Nope.

There aren't many people in my life that have ever experienced infertility. I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

In the beginning

I am writing this blog in hopes that it helps someone else out there that is struggling with infertility or secondary infertility. Also, it might be good for my general well-being. ;)

Well...where to start? At the beginning I guess...

DH (dear husband) and I got married in Las Vegas (classy!) towards the end of 1999. He was stationed overseas and I had just completed a tour in the military. I had been on the pill for a year before we were married, but I stopped in hopes of becoming pregnant. That was over 10 years ago...

While I was in the military the doctors tried to figure out why I was experiencing a lack of menstrual cycles. This was back in a previous life (relationship) and I honestly had pushed it out of my mind, but the doctors told me that I had cysts on my ovaries and I would never be able to get pregnant. At the time it wasn't a big deal, the relationship I was in ended and DH and I started dating. I told him from the beginning that I might not be able to have children, he was ok with it.

Since we have been married we have never been on any type of birth control to prevent pregnancy. There have been times in the last 10 years that I had to go and see an OB to be put on drugs to start a menstrual cycle, the reason for this was because I wasn't having one. I had rejoined the military and we were both stationed in Italy. I had extensive testing done while we were stationed in Italy, the doagnosis was that we should see a fertility specialist when we got stationed back in the United States. Then...a couple of months before our 5 year anniversary I found out I was pregnant. It was a complete shock to us both. The pregnancy was pretty normal (except I gained massive amounts of weight and my due date was off by 3 weeks <--that's another story...LOL). My DD (dear daughter) Chloe was born in the summer of 2005. She is a great child and we love her more than we were not "technically" infertile anymore, right? Nope.

After Chloe was born we never got around to using any birth control. Neither one of us was opposed to having another child right away, but it never happened. When Chloe turned 2 I started to get the itch again. The itch got worse when family members asked when we were having another child. At the beginning I felt guilty...guilty for wanting another child...guilty for not being happy with what I already have...but it is so much more than that. So hard to explain so someone who has never experienced this kind of pain.

So the TTC#2 (trying to conceive) journey started. I was still having an issue with getting AF regularly, so I saw an OB to get on drugs again. I figured I would try this TTC stuff by myself and didn't voice my concerns to the doctor (mistake!) After about 6 months I gave up. Another couple of months went by and I wasnted to start trying again. I saw the OB again and voiced my concerns this time. I thought maybe I wasn't ovulating. He wanted me to chart my temperature for 3 months and then go back to see him. I did, and I wasn't ovulating, big surprise. He put me on 50mg of Clomid (a drug that helps about 75% of women to ovulate) but I didn't ovulate. Next was 100mg, still no ovulation. Finally he put me on 150mg, I ovulated AND I got pregnant. I was elated. I bought DD a "I'm going to be a big sister" t-shirt! We told family and friends (why not? many people tell early and go on to have healthy babies), but less than a week later I experienced my first m/c (miscarriage). I went and saw the OB, he did some tests and confirmed it. He told us to wait 2 months to try again, then he put me on a lower dosage of Clomid, I never ovulated. I was pretty upset for all the time wasted, so I asked to be referred to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist).

My first appointment with the RE shed some light on my situation. He told me that just by looking at my previous cycles he could tell that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), this syndrome is a condition where many small cysts for on the ovaries and these prevent pregnancy. He prescribed BCP (birth control pills) to shrink the cysts and Metformin to balance my blood sugar (women with PCOS frequently experience insulin resistance, and Metformin lessens the chance of miscarriage). The downside to Metformin is that I can't have any alcohol. Well, I can have up to 2 drinks, but for me that is a tease! The RE told me that I am a good candidate for an IUI (intrauterine insemination) and that I would start my first IUI cycle after the month on BCP.

The beginning of February I went in for an HSG. The RE puts dye into the uterus with hopes of seeing the dye run through the fallopian tubes to the ovaries. My HSG was inconclusive, one tube had dye go through it to the ovary, but the other didn't. So if I end up ovulating only from the tube that could be blocked the RE will perform a tubal recanalization to unblock the tube. At the end of February I went in for an u/s (ultrasound) to check to make sure that the cysts had shrank, they had, so then I started on 100mg of Clomid on cd3-7 (cycle day). That particular dose of Clomid never worked before, but the RE doesn't start anyone out on 150mg. Everything was going ok until the cd12 u/s. There were no follicles that measured over 10mm. They had me go in 3 days later (today) for a repeat u/s and the same results were found. After the cd12 u/s I knew not to get my hopes up, but it was still heartbreaking. Now I am on Prometrium again (for the 15th or so time) to start AF. Once that starts I will go in for a u/s, and then start Clomid again. Still at 100mg, but for 10 days instead of 5. The hopes are that my ovaries will be stimulated a bit more and produce bigger follicles. FX (fingers crossed).

If you have made it this far, thank you.