Thursday, March 25, 2010

Almost had a good cry

I am still up, I am a night owl, I have a 4 year old that gets up at 7am almost every morning...why do I do this to myself?

Experiences in my past have made me who I am now, I would never change anything because it has made me the person I am now. Anyway, tonight I met up with some friends for appetizers and we talked. We always talk about our kids, houses, husbands, etc. Then of course I talked about my struggles, what I am going through at the moment with the infertility battle (yep, it is a battle to me...sometimes I think it would be easier to get activated to go to Afghanistan and not worry about this TTC stuff). Tonight I almost said how I feel, I was extremely close. You see, I am mad. Mad at my ovaries, mad at the situation, mad at God. Yes, I said it, I am mad at God. I have trusted in Him for years while I have been struggling with the negative ovulation predictor tests and the negative pregnancy tests. I have asked for strength to get me through this, but lately I have been struggling a bit more. I know there is a reason for it all but I don't like that I don't know what the reason is.

When I think about the times I struggled before I got pregnant with Chloe, I don't remember feeling so alone. Or the feeling of hopelessness...

So in my quest to understand more about PCOS I found a fertility website that had a lot of great information. One thing that caught my eye was a RE explaining that in women under 35 that have PCOS it is not a matter of IF the woman is going to get pregnant but WHICH drug protocol will achieve pregnancy. That is something that I try to remember when I am feeling down and out...;)

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