Countdown!

4 BCP left!  Yay!  I can't wait to be done with them, they are making me feel like crap.  I hate nausea. 

I am investing a lot of time and money into TTC#2.  But you know what?  It is the time that is making me CRAZY!  I get 4 or 5 tries a YEAR!  Ridiculous!  I know what will happen if the July/August cycle isn't it for us.  I think that my RE will want us to go ahead with IVF.  I just don't have the best feeling about IVF.  If the first try doesn't work and if we don't have enough embryos to freeze then we won't be able to afford another round. 

And a quote that I stole from a fellow PCOS-ers Vlog:  "Sometimes the things that you can't change end up changing you".  Couldn't have said it better myself. 

Just want to cry

Well, I have to get it out somewhere...it feels like a dagger is being shoved into my heart when I find out a friend is pregnant.  Today it wasn't as bad as usual because the friend that told me she is pregnant has gone through a lot with TTC.  She also has PCOS, but she responds well to Clomid (lucky gal!).  I had a good feeling for her, of course I wouldn't tell her that before I found out as I would have felt like a complete a-hole if I was wrong!  Now I wonder if she is pregnant with more than one...;)

Anyway, it is hard.  Hard because I have such a long time in between cycles, hard because I haven't had a "good" cycle since moving on to the RE, hard because I think people are scared to tell me that they are pregnant, hard because it is getting to the point that pregnancy seems unobtainable, hard because if I have too many follies (99% sure I will) my RE will want to cancel again, hard because I ain't getting any younger! 

Days like today I should be feeling happiness for the one that tells me she is pregnant, right?  So why do I feel like crying?  I feel sad.  I feel sad and like I am left behind...women with all these silly PCOS problems are getting pregnant and here I sit.  Broken.  Alone.  Defeated.  Jealous. 

5 years old

Chloe is 5 today ;)...Some people say "Time flies, kids grow up so fast!"...what do I think?  "Wow, 5 years and I haven't gotten pregnant!  5 years of my life gone...hoping and wishing for another little one to bless our family..."   

Secondary infertility sucks.  I don't know how else to put it.  A friend recently questioned me when I described myself as infertile.  Heck, even my OB thought since I already had a kid all I needed to do was "give it time"...BWAHAHAHAHA!  It is funny (not really HAHA funny) because most people probably don't even think about it, that is until they go through it.  I have dealt with this my whole adult life.  I know I have said this many times before, but before I got pregnant with Chloe I will admit that I really had no idea what I was missing out on.  I mean, I WANTED a child, desperately...but now the feeling is different.  I feel sometimes as if I am running out of time.  You know, the clock is ticking...;)  Plus with the chances of having to go overseas for an extended period of time I sit and worry about my future and the future of our next children and the emotional toll it will take on my family.  Especially if we end up having to wait a much longer time to try for the next bundle of joy.

Less than a week left on BCP.  I am guesstimating that I will be able to start another round of Gonal f towards the end of July.  Not sure how long I will have to stay on that, last time I was on double the dosage I will be this time and I injected the drugs for 8 days and then ended up taking the trigger on the 11th day.  If it goes the same this time it will probably be around the 2nd week in August that I trigger and then 2 weeks later before I find out any results.  I will be out of town for a couple weeks in September, and looking at the calendar that will completely mess up my chances to start a new cycle right away.  Maybe I will ask to go on the pill if I get a negative pregnancy test (or if this cycle gets cancelled too)...then I can start again right after coming back from being out of town...

Ugh.  I really dislike all the planning that is involved in infertility and the drugs and appointments.  It sure does mess up vacation or out of town work that has to be done. 

Countdown is ON!

Is counting pregnant women weird?

Yep.  I do it all the time.  It is funny really...the way that people try to explain why I see gobs and gobs of pregnant women all the time is because I want it so bad.  Uh, really?  So seeing 2 pregnant ladies in the random aisle that I chose to walk down when I was shopping at Lowe's is because I want to be pregnant so bad?  Uh, I think not.  Lowe's?  I can understand seeing 12 pregnant ladies at the mall, but Lowe's?  LOL 

So now I count them.  There's one...oh, look!  Another one!  And yet another...oh, wait, she might just be chunky...Yes, I have made a game of it. 

It has taken me so long to get to this point.  I was avoiding ladies and their bellies for such a long time.  Now I can go to baby showers and help friends register for baby crap.  This whole infertile stuff hasn't made me stronger, it has made me more jealous and bitter.  It sucks and I hate to be negative about it all, but really?  How would you feel at this point?

12 more days on birth control and then I can start down regulation again.  So about a month from now I will (hopefully) be starting my 2nd injectables cycle, on a lower dose of drugs.  If it works and we get our BFP, I am hoping for twins so I NEVER have to go through this crap again. 

Ciao. 

Much needed break

Well, since I am on BCP now I am on a forced break.  I don't want to talk about it.  I don't want to think about it (HA).  I want to crawl into my little bubble and I don't want to be bothered.  Oh, how I wish I could listen to my ipod at work...maybe I will just wear the headphones so no one will talk to me.  Hahahaha...that is a wonderful idea if I do say so myself!

On a positive note, I get to travel to New Orleans in a little over a few months for the Navy.  On a not so positive note that will probably end up messing up that month for TTC (unless the dates work out right).  But I will get to have crawdads and as long as I am not pregnant (yea, right) I will enjoy many beers. 

So, there you have it.  Not feeling like I am in the talking about anything mood.  Won't be for awhile.  Have to figure out how to let all of this settle and try to be myself again.  At least for the next month, then the craziness starts again.

Oh, yay. Birth control it is.

Aaaahhhh....the life of Erica. RE appt today. I was supposed to start Gonal f this week. Nope. 2 large cysts on one of my ovaries. Started BCP today to shrink them so I can start over. What sucks is that I had already done the 10 days on the mini pill and the 10 days on Lupron for down regulation. And I will have to do those again after BCP...so around a month and a half from now I can attempt another cycle.


So, that is 0, yes ZERO cycles where I have had a 2ww since August. I know ALL that I need is a freaking O and I will have a great shot at pregnancy....I don't know how else to put it. I get so freaking jealous of everyone and their "normal" cycles...getting AF on your own, having an O, and getting a 2ww. I know from experience that a m/c is the worst possible thing that can happen...but you know what? I just want a freaking chance at an O! I am on the verge of giving up yet again (I have given up TTC 4 or so times in the last 4 years)...

I am tired...tired of my broken body, tired of seeing everyone get pregnant, tired of seeing the look in my husbands eyes when I tell him the latest bad news from the RE, tired of looking into DD's eyes and trying to promise her that she WILL be a big sister some day, tired of waiting to hear if I get to go to Afghanistan, or Iraq, or somewhere over there to serve my country, tired of it all.

I need a beer.

Can I put a number on it?

Not really.  How many months have we been TTC#2?  By my calculations around 42.  Now that is not anywhere close to 42 cycles as I had to get put on drugs many times to get AF and that would take a month and a half per cycle (plus I gave up about 4 times in there also).  DH finished up his time in the Navy in January of 2007 (we are both in the reserves now).  DD and I had moved a few months earlier to start our new life and we were waiting on DH to join us. The 10 years and 7 months that we have been married have been awesome, but I sit and think about this situation and I hate it.  We always wanted kids and it is crazy to think that so much time has just flown by.  We have never prevented pregnancy...before DD I was told I was infertile so I never knew what I couldn't have...and with DD it all changed and since she was born I have been longing for another little one to love...

I sit and think about my options for the future.  If I overstim this cycle my RE will probably tell us that IVF is the next step.  We could have afforded it early next year, but things keep coming up with the house (our lovely money pit).  Now it is a tree.  We had a tree service out to assess what needed to be trimmed and the tree guy told DH that one of our maple trees is really close to being a dead tree and needs to be removed.  Cha-ching!  Wowzers it is going to cost a LOT!  The people that owned the house before us maintained the house and yard horribly.  Well, I would say that they didn't maintain anything at all.  So, if everything goes as planned and I can get an O and if we get a BFP then all this worry about $ is for nothing.  If we get an O and no BFP we know how much FSH I need to get a good O and we will go from there. 

Oh, and the drugs are paid for!  It took a lot, called the pharmacy to check the status of the new prior authorization and they had no clue what was going on.  Nice!  So they told me to call the clinic and get them to call my insurance (TI = drugs paid for, IUI or IVF = drugs not paid for).  Needless to say, after a lot of hoops (and confirmation of TI) we have free Gonal f (well, $9)!  Something positive today...made me smile.

Everything happens for a reason...(and a pic)

I think I might start posting a pic every day to cheer me up.  Today it is a pic of my DD, finally getting the hang of the photo editing software, I will have to edit the crap out of all my pics from Europe also...;)

Yea...I really don't believe in everything happening for a reason anymore.  I mean I used to, but after all of this TTC stuff I don't believe it anymore.  Chloe was the best thing that happened to us, I will never change that line of thinking.  What makes me different from so many other women?  This mess is supposed to help me feel stronger?  WTH???  How do so many other women out there have no issues TTC?  What about the drug addicts?  They get pregnant for a reason?  What reason?  To bring a crack baby into this world?  My mom used to deliver babies and she said that is the worst thing in the world to see...a lady all strung out on crack and then this pitiful drug addicted baby being brought into this world...what good reason would that happen for?  If I hear one person say that everything happens for a reason I think I just might scream!  I don't say everything happens for a reason when a close relative of a friend dies...so please...think before you say things like this to a woman suffering from infertility.  It may seem like nothing that would offend, but at least from my experience I am extremely sensitive to all things TTC...and I am NOT a sensitive person.  Not. at. all.

Believing that everything happens for a reason used to be easy for me.  But after all this time waiting for that chance to just ovulate I can't come to terms with what the reason could be that I (we) are suffering so much waiting for another child.  Maybe the reason is that some people have to go through more in life...I am not any stronger than the next gal, and maybe everything in life doesn't have to have a reason behind it...

New diaper cake

Well, here is my 2nd one.  I asked DH how much he would pay for one of these and he said $20.  Bwahahaha!  The diapers cost more than that (+ ribbon, toys, lotion, butt paste, etc).  The baby shower was nice, and of course I left there feeling more of that ache for another child.  No clue that it could get worse but it did. 

I haven't had a good day today.  Some days are like that...depressed about it all, and I am trying so hard to come to terms with the fact that Chloe might be it.  She might be our one miracle.  I have been trying to convince myself that it is ok, but it isn't.  God might not want to bless us again for some reason. I will never understand and I will probably be upset about it for a really long time. 

I have slowly started giving away all the the baby stuff I held onto thinking that I would have gotten pregnant again in the last 3+ years.  I have to move the stroller/car seat combo thing out of the garage.  It is a constant reminder.  I hate to get rid of things like that though because if I do end up pregnant again I probably won't get as much at another baby shower...which is silly because Chloe is so much older than most other kids with younger siblings that we know...

And I am done...   

How Chloe came about

LOL...well we all know how Chloe happened, but the story leading up to her is pretty interesting.  This might be a little TMI so the squeamish should stay away!  I figured it was as good a time as any to reminsce as DD's 5th birthday is coming up quick!  How did all this time go by so fast?  How has it been 3 YEARS of TTC?  At least now I have a good doc and there is a plan if the rest of this year is a bust.

2 yrs before I got pg with DD I had not had AF in almost 2 years (I had been to the Navy doctors but they weren't concerned?  PAP's were abnormal, but they didn't much care). The Navy put me on a string of bc pills = 5 bc pills a day for 5 days, then 4 x day for 5 days, 3 x day for 5 days, 2 x day for a week, and 1 x day for 2 weeks. They prescribed me nausea pills and pain meds. Yea...nausea pills because taking that many bc pills tears you up! I didn't need the pain pills until I got to 1 x day for 2 weeks, I was 1 week into it and I started having contractions. I was writhing on the couch for hours, (this will be TMI) went to the bathroom and passed a huge mass in the toilet. We rushed to the ER and of course the corpsman waiting on me was pg. She then said "we think you had a miscarriage".  I told her to get the F out of the room and get the doc. The doc came in and told me it wasn't a m/c, it was the buildup of the lining of my uterus over the last 2 years. She also then told me that I had a one up on every other first time mom as I know what contractions would feel like.  She was right, well, kind of.  2 years later I got pg with DD, we found out I was pg at 9 weeks, we saw the hb on a u/s so I know I was at least 8 weeks.  At 38 weeks (41 by my calculations, I got admitted at 4cm (no pain, admitted because of DD's heart decel), water was broken at 5cm (no pain), and I made it to the point of no return (7cm and I could feel the contractions good then, on the same level as the ones I felt after all those bc pills) and then decided I didn't want to feel the ring of fire and I opted for the epi. I didn't get the full epi so I could still feel when to push and how to push.  Right before my first push I asked the CNM how long it takes first time moms that have had an epi.  She said 2-3 hours.  WHAT?!?!?!?  Nope, not me.  24 minutes later (and a pretty bad tear) DD was born.  Everyone got a little freaked out (my mom included and she is a nurse practitioner) because she was purple and was not showing any signs of life.  It felt like an eternity later that I heard that first cry...so sweet that cry was...8lbs 1oz and 21 1/2 inches long.  They said that since she was so early she shouldn't be that big, but I knew in my heart that she was actually almost 2 weeks late...

Aaaahhhh....memories...;)  Hoping to add more baby stories to my memory bank in the next few years...(heck a year from now would be good...LOL)

Yay for June!

May was not a good month for me in many ways...cancelled cycle because of too many follicles, I was due in May, and I am sure there are other reasons that are escaping me at the moment.  But June?  June could be the month that my RE figures out the correct dosage of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and June could be the month that I finally really ovulate.  I am just as excited, scared, and nervous as I was last cycle...but this time I know that if this doesn't work I have IVF as an option.  It is going to hurt to pay for it, but I will pay it for another little bundle of joy.  This IVF thing might have to wait until winter time though.  I want to be able to pay for it all at once and not have to get a loan or put it on a credit card...so cash it is!!!  And maybe I will even see if we can do a cycle of another drug (Femara) to see what happens, we could get lucky while we are waiting for IVF.  But I won't hold my breath, don't worry...

So I start down regulation in 3 days, and then I have a down regulation appointment on June 14th and hopefully a few days after that I can start again with Gonal f (the lower dosage)...YAY!!!