Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Just want to cry

Well, I have to get it out somewhere...it feels like a dagger is being shoved into my heart when I find out a friend is pregnant.  Today it wasn't as bad as usual because the friend that told me she is pregnant has gone through a lot with TTC.  She also has PCOS, but she responds well to Clomid (lucky gal!).  I had a good feeling for her, of course I wouldn't tell her that before I found out as I would have felt like a complete a-hole if I was wrong!  Now I wonder if she is pregnant with more than one...;)

Anyway, it is hard.  Hard because I have such a long time in between cycles, hard because I haven't had a "good" cycle since moving on to the RE, hard because I think people are scared to tell me that they are pregnant, hard because it is getting to the point that pregnancy seems unobtainable, hard because if I have too many follies (99% sure I will) my RE will want to cancel again, hard because I ain't getting any younger! 

Days like today I should be feeling happiness for the one that tells me she is pregnant, right?  So why do I feel like crying?  I feel sad.  I feel sad and like I am left behind...women with all these silly PCOS problems are getting pregnant and here I sit.  Broken.  Alone.  Defeated.  Jealous. 

8 comments:

  1. Your post reminded me of this woman I follow on YouTube. I love the analogy she has for these situations. Check her out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTFOdn5Hqiw&playnext_from=TL&videos=8qqXkQkEV1g
    Take care, I'm praying you get your BFP soon!

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  2. Thanks, I will have to check it out! Now to find those darn earphones...;)

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  3. I just had a friend tell me she was "accidentally" pregnant with her 4th!! To make things worse she was already 4 months pregnant and didn't want to tell me so she waited. I hate being that girl too!! It sucks!!

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  4. I am so sorry. I had a pregnancy announcement from a co-worker this weekend. It was horrible. She doesn't know about our TTC and infertility. She just kept going on and on.

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  5. Here from LFCA... Cry, yell, break plates (uh, I mean, cheap throw-away ones, not your dinner plates), whatever it takes because these feelings are completely valid.

    I think one of the worst parts about IF is The Guilt of Jealousy. It compounds all the other feelings into one big mess.

    ((((Hugs)))

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  6. Stopping by from LFCA, to say that I am sorry! I can relate to how you feal and it plain SUCKS! I pray that God grants you peace and helps ease the pain of guilt and jealousy!

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  7. here from LFCA, and though I'm now a part of that so-called happy sorority (though it's a little different when you've pregnancies and fear another loss), I just wanted to tell you that I know just what that felt like for months ... it was like EVERYONE was pregnant. Try to be kind to yourself today. *hug*

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  8. Over from LFCA too...

    It is like a cold hand grips my heart every time I hear another pregnancy announcement now.

    I am so sorry about it happening to you and it bringing you so low.

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