Friday, February 25, 2011

The bitterness is still there...

I have been slacking this week with ICLW, I hope that I have made some of it up today though.  I did come across a blog of a fellow IFer that talked about bitterness. 

I have been bitter for years.  Pretty much my whole marriage (going on 12 years now), not because of my marriage though, because of all of the IF that I have had to come to terms with.  I remember reading on another blog about women that were IFers having children and others considering them to not suffer from IF anymore.  HA!  I don't think so.  I have dealt with this IF stuff for so many years...PLUS I had to convince my new OB (back in 2007) that there was something wrong with me, he didn't think so as I already had a child (conceived and carried to term by pure miracle as I have PCOS and it is so severe that I was told that I would never bear children without lots of help, heck even my IF doc was astonished).  So does the bitterness go away?  Well, it hasn't for me.  To get to the point I am at now took a lot, a lot of $$$, a lot of patience (which I am short on these days), and a lot of trust.  I think the bitterness will always be there....lurking....

Do I still consider myself as suffering from infertility?  Yes.  I have always been and will always be infertile.  Just because I have a child doesn't mean that I am not an infertile.  I have actually had to define infertility and secondary infertility to people (LOL, even my OB!) as many people that have never dealt with IF have no clue.  And yes, I am that gal that puts it all out on the table..."relax and it'll happen" seriously???  I am so open with people, so they think they can try to give advice on stuff they have no clue about (LOL, maybe I shouldn't be as open??).  Relaxing isn't going to force Metformin into me so I can lower my chances at m/c IF I can ever get pregnant again, relaxing isn't going to put me into menopause so my ovaries calm down, relaxing isn't going to shove that needle in my belly 3 times a day until my follie scans show something happening, relaxing isn't going to do anything for someone like me.

Yes, I have been lucky, lucky in the sense that I finally found a doc that would listen and could help me with the issues that were preventing my body from working correctly.  I know I have said this before, but that doc is my hero.  He was so positive about things (well, other than calling me an anomaly when I overstimmed on Gonal-f so bad that they though I was going to get a severe case of OHSS). 

And now?  Now I feel myself getting a bit more confident about this pregnancy and having miracle baby #2, confident that I will conquer that IF battle once more.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Fun times....

Thursday already?  I have so much to do before DH gets home (out of town for the military until next Friday).  I was supposed to have the spare room cleared out before he gets back (small items that are junking up the baby's room).  Yea, with the way that I have been feeling (sore..."down there" I rode a horse for days and days, I asked the doc and he said it is normal to feel pelvic bones move earlier in 2nd or later pregnancies) and all the sleeping I have been doing, I haven't done much at all.  I did move some stuff around in there and now it looks much worse.  LOL  Oh, and I did some laundry (yuck) and the dishes, yay me!

On a positive note, one of my IF/PAL friends (a real life friend) had her little girl a few days ago.  She was only 38 weeks, but that little girl was weighing in on ultrasounds at over 9lbs.  So they scheduled an induction and her little one was born at 8lbs 14oz.  I can't imagine how big she would have been if my friend didn't have her that early!  Wow!

I haven't posted my 30 week update...not much going on though, just the pelvic bone pain, OB appt yesterday was good, measuring right on track, heart beat was 138bpm, blood pressure is good and I have minimal swelling, no more rings for me...:)...uh, but I gained a bit of weight (to be expected).  I had lost some while in the hospital and during my sickness, I blame the weight loss on the fact that all I ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner was chicken noodle soup.  As of right now I have gained 24lbs (remembering that I had gained quite a bit before getting pregnant these last few years on all the IF drugs, my guesstimate is about 15lbs).  So the doc is happy with the weight gain, but honestly I thave always thought that my body will gain what it "needs" to in order to sustain a pregnancy.  I won't be dieting while pregnant, if I am hungry I will eat!  LOL.  I will watch my juice, hot chocolate, and empty calorie intake though...

Glad this week is almost over...:)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I saw this on another blog and just had to do it...:)  Found it on AP's blog, and I figured it would be a great way for other bloggers (and my few in real life friend followers) to learn a bit more about me...:)


Age: 32.
Blog Title Inspiration: Uh, well...I was going a bit mad with dealing with IF the first time around and this SIF mess was a bit worse.  So my OB pretty much told me it would happen again with time...LOL.  Funny guy.
Chore You Hate: Putting away the clean laundry.
Day at the Beach or Cozy Rainy Day?  Definitely a day at the beach.
Essential Start Your Day Item:  Well, it used to be coffee until I decided to quit.  Then when I was finally referrred back to the OB from the IF doc, I was told NO CAFFEINE.  So glad I quit or I would have been mad.
Favorite Color:  Almost any shade of green.
Gold or Silver?  Silver.
Height: 5'9"-ish.
Instruments You Play:  Played the piano when I was younger. 
Job Title:  Senior engineering technician.
Kids:  We have a 5 (and a half) year old little girl.  Our unmedicated miracle (even the IF doc was astonished that we got (and stayed) pregnant with her.
Live:  In the great white north (Minnesota), hoping one day in the next 2 or 3 years to live overseas again though! 
Mom's Name:  Carolyn although she goes by Nina.
Book Currently on Your Nightstand:  None.  Don't have time to read books.  I do read lots of books on airplanes though (I never sleep on airplanes, no matter how long the flight so books are great for keeping me busy so I don't go stir crazy).
Nicknames:  Monkey.
Overnight Hospital Stays?  I have had a few.  Once for tonsils when I was a kid, stayed in hospital when I had DD, and most recently 2 nights in the hospital for an insanely high heart rate and pneumonia (community acquired).  Lovely. 
Pet Peeve:  People who make stupid comments about things they don't know about.  Example:  Infertility.
Quote from a Movie:  I am not the movie quote type of person at all!
Right or Left Handed? Right.
Siblings:  A younger brother and 2 older stepsisters.
Time You Wake Up?  Whenever DD gets me up (I work afternoons).
Underwear:  At the present moment?  Maternity underwear.  One of my friends couldn't believe I wear them (she didn't when pregnant)...but I grow so big my non-maternity ones cut into my belly and legs...:(
Vegetable You Dislike:  I like them all!  Really...I do.
What Makes You Run Late:  Usually DD...LOL
Yummy Food You Make:  Spanakopita...although I have changed my recipe a little and I am not sure I like it as much.
Zoo, Favorite Animal:  Monkeys.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Welcome ICLW-ers!

I am Erica, this blog has been a great outlet for me, and also a great place to meet fellow IFers and "talk" about our struggles (I really don't have anyone in my real life that understands).  This struggle has opened up my eyes, opened my eyes to life, trust, and in the end....hope. 

I have my journey posted on the left side of this blog, but this is a post that is a bit more in-depth.

I started this blog well into my journey, DH and I have been dealing with IF since we were married almost 12 years ago (nope, never been on birth control).  A miracle happened right around our 5 year anniversary though, we found out we were pregnant.  I had lost 35lbs on a great workout plan (Body for Life by Bill Phillips) and I guess my body finally decided to work correctly and drop an egg.  That pregnancy was great, no issues at all (except for an insane amount of weight gain, my midwife told me to stop eating how I was eating and I ballooned gain was a bit more than 70lbs).  We now have a 5.5 year old little girl.  A true miracle as I was told we would never have kids (then 5 years later I was told I would need to see an IF doctor, then we ended up pregnant on our own 3 years after that).

This struggle has made me into who I am now (although the last few years I have felt detached from real life friends as the support just hasn't been there, but how are they supposed to know what I need anyway?). 

Currently I am 30 weeks pregnant.  Things are different this time around though.  With DD I was told I wouldn't get pregnant and then I was told it would take a lot of doctor intervention.  When I ended up pregnant on my own and had that little girl I trusted that it would happen naturally again and I was told it would be easier to get pregnant the 2nd time around...HAHAHAHA.  Not the case here people. 

We moved to another state about a year and a half after DD was born, we really started trying around the time she was 2 (never prevented though).  My new OB thought I was crazy, and since I already had a child then it would happen in time.  Not so much.  So after many tests that showed everything normal and 4 cycles of unmonitored Clomid and a horrible miscarriage, I asked to be sent to an IF doctor.  My IF doc (my hero) diagnosed me with PCOS.  I didn't have any of the so-called outward symptoms (never have), normal weight, no hair loss, no facial hair, etc.  But what I did have was polycystic ovaries and abnormal periods.  He tested my insulin levels and put me on 1500mg of Metformin a day (along with BCP for a month).  I did another 2 cycles of Clomid (monitored) and never produced any mature follies.  We did a cycle of injectables (IVF med protocol) and I overstimmed on such a low dose of Gonal-f that we had the IVF chat, the doc told me that I am an anomaly (as normal women on the dose I was on produce 2 or 3 follies when I produced almost 20). 

We did another cycle on a lower dosage of Gonal-f and I ended up producing 2 follies.  I was skeptical that anything would work for me, and I was scared as it was 1 year after my miscarriage, I tried to have faith but in all these years I have lost a lot of faith, but 11 days later I got that +hpt.  I cannot describe the fear that entered my life at that moment or the fear from the severe blood loss at 13 weeks pregnant from 2 subchorionic hemorrhages.  After having a "normal" pregnancy with DD, the loss I experienced in Sept of '09 and my current pregnancy have opened my eyes to the many things that could potentially happen in pregnancy. 

Something that I am still struggling with is that it has been extremely hard for me to go from being barren for so many years to having this little one growing inside of me.  It is hard for me not to get emotional (eyes are watery right now) when thinking about battling though all of this mess, and in the end getting what we have wished for...holding that little one in my arms...   

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Cloth diapers...

Been wondering if I can tackle cloth diapers.  I wanted to do it with DD, but I wanted to use a diaper service as I knew nothing at all about washing them.  We have our own washer and dryer so I figure it will just mean an extra load of laundry twice a week.  Not a big deal though as I know the laundry will multiply with another little one in the house.

I know they are more cost friendly, but I work full-time...will I really have the time?  Heck, even if I cloth diaper the few months I am home with the baby I will see some savings...jsut have to convince DH that it isn't gross to cloth diaper.  He won't be doing the washing anyway...LOL

Anyone have suggestions (I know the brand of pocket diapers I will use) or pointers?  Thanks!!!

Monday, February 14, 2011

29 weeks

How far along: 29 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 15 pounds, but after buying a few too many boxes of girl scout cookies I am guessing the weight gain will creep on...
Maternity clothes: Definitely.

Stretch marks: No new ones.

Sleep:  Lots, I find myself sleeping later and later.  DD has been great and is pretty self-sustaining if I fall asleep on the couch.  Glad she is 5.5 yrs old and not a 2 or 3 year old...I would definitely be hurting for sleep!
Movement: Sporatically throughout the day and then lots of movement at about 1 am.

Cravings: Not too many.  Meat, any kind, has been my snack of choice...LOL

Gender: It is a surprise! I have stocked up on some neutral layette items (had more than a few neutral items left over from DD) all are washed and ready to go!

Symptoms:  Joints in my feet and ankles were sore last week (along with leg muscles)...felt like I ran a marathon the day before.

What I miss: Not a whole lot.

What I look forward to: Meeting this little miracle.

Moods:  Feeling good!

Milestones: Another week down!

Medical Concerns: Not too many, finishing up the rest of my antibiotics for the pneumonia, off of pelvic rest, and passed my 3 hour GTT!
Weekly Wisdom:  Calling to check on the 3 hour GTT results would have been smart before ordering girl scout cookies...
Best moment this week:  Getting a lot of baby shopping done (travel system, convertible carseat, etc).  Seeing the differences in the baby belly!
Worst moment this week: Spending the $$$ for all the baby stuff...LOL

Thursday, February 10, 2011


DH's grandmother has never been wrong at guessing gender.  Back in August (right after I took the trigger) she told us I would get pregnant and we were having a girl.  Either way is fine with us, after waiting this long I am not one to be picky.

Tonight DH called his grandma to wish her a happy 85th bday.  She is getting older and forgetting things, but she asked how I was doing with the pregnancy and when we are due.  She then told DH that we are having a boy.  LOL, we were 100% positive (from her earlier prediction) that we were having a girl, now?  Not so much.  Funny as DH and I were just talking about how different this time is, how much I haven't gained, how it is pretty much all in the front, and how I am not craving the sweets like I was with DD. 

Eh, no matter what we will be prepared and jump for joy for whichever gender we are blessed with.  This little one is a true miracle and to think that we are where we are now, it just takes my breath away.   

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I have gotten many comments this pregnancy, today one lady stopped me at work and asked if I was pregnant (LOL, we wear smocks so it is pretty hard to see unless I am taking the smock off which I was).  I told her I was 28 weeks and she told me that I look great.  So nice of her!  Other women have commented about how I am carrying all in the front (which I am compared to DD) so it really makes DH and I wonder if the old wives' tale could be true for us again this time.  I got huge with DD and not so much this time, could just be my body though I guess...older, not underweight this time, etc.  It would be great to have a boy, but we are definitely happy with whichever gender we are blessed with.  I just can't believe it is getting so close!  Another lady at work told me her daughter was born at 29 weeks and she is a thriving 8th grader now...:)  Makes me feel good that we are well past the viability stage... 

On to the sweets...I haven't craved sweets much this pregnancy (with DD I did, sweets and pickles) but today I bought a bunch of girl scout cookies.  Something I should have thought about beforehand was if I passed my 3 hour GTT or not...I called and I did pass, if not those cookies would have had to wait!  

I also talked a bit with DH about how quick things are happening this time around, we could have a baby in 8 or so weeks!  He was a bit shocked at that (as am I) and knows that we have to get things going with the baby's room.  It is almost cleared out, but there are quite a few things that I will have to "find" a place for somewhere else in the house...

So much to do...:)

Monday, February 7, 2011

28 weeks

How far along: 28 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 15 pounds - due to the hospital stay, followup appt went well and had 3 hour GTT test today - it was pretty poopy.

Maternity clothes: Definitely.

Stretch marks: No new ones.

Sleep: Ha!  Hospital sleep was nonexistent.  Fell asleep at about 3am the 2 nights I was there...only because I was exhausted by then...

Movement: Mostly at night.

Cravings: None.  Haven't been very hungry.  Being sick puts a damper on my appetite (usually I eat lots so I knew there was something wrong).

Gender: It is a surprise! I have stocked up on some neutral layette items (had more than a few neutral items left over from DD) all are washed and ready to go!

Symptoms:  Normal pregnancy stuff I guess....constipation, etc. 

What I miss:  Not a whole lot.

What I look forward to: Meeting this little miracle.

Moods: Moody today as I still feel sick, but I made it to work.  Yay.

Milestones: Another week down!

Medical Concerns:  Getting over the pneumonia.  Oh, and passing the 3 hour GTT.

Weekly Wisdom:  My immune system is definitely comprimised when I have a cold and am pregnant.  LOL

Best moment this week:  Has to be the care I received at the hospital...that and DH and DD both being so great while I have been sick.

Worst moment this week: Being admitted to the hospital for 2 days due to my heartbeat issue and pneumonia.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Third trimester and I don't like hospitals...:)

I can't believe I am in the 3rd trimester...:) I have had a cold the last few weeks, been taking approved drugs but nothing got rid of it. Went into urgent care and was told I had allergies, 3 days later I called in sick to work (I never do that), was running a fever, my lungs hurt, my head hurt, short of breath, and my heart felt like it was beating fast. Went to the ER and they rushed me back to a room after seeing my heartrate and blood pressure, hooked me up to an EKG machine, I couldn't breathe deep enough for them to listen to my lungs so they did a lung xray. There were 8 or so nurses working on me and that was just insane. Then they did an u/s on my legs to look for clots, didn't find any, so they did a CAT scan to look in my lungs for clots (I think) and never really told me the results of that (guessing I was ok). I sat in the ER room for hours just waiting on lab results, in pain, and trying not to freak out. A nurse finally came in and used a fetal heart monitor to check and the baby had a heartbeat. Shortly after that a doc came in and explained that they couldn't release me when my heart beat was that high (it was over 150bpm) and he told me that I had pneumonia also. So I was admitted.

After getting to my room I finally got some pain meds and had IV antibiotics and many bags of saline as I hadn't eaten or drank much at all that day due to the sickness. I talked to the doc and she explained that my white blood cell count was pretty high (infection) and she explained I had community pneumonia.  After that the awesome nurse I was blessed with got me some snacks and I finally got to sleep around 2 in the morning. The next morning my OB showed up (I had just had an appt with him the day before) and he was wondering what happened...he also gave me some bad news, I failed my 1 hour gestational diabetes test that day (weird as I passed with DD), then he ordered a 1 hour fetal heart rate monitoring session every shift for the baby. I had to spend a second night in the hospital as they weren't ready to let me go as the pneumonia got worse, although my heart rate was starting to look better. So I stayed yet another night. I felt so much better the next day, not 100% (heck, I am not 100% now and probably won't be for quite awhile) but when they checked my lungs I could actually take a breath without coughing and didn't have much fluid in them anymore. So the PA asked if I felt well enough to go home...heck yes I did! LOL 3 hours of sleep a night at the hospital just doesn't cut it when you are sick.

So after 3 one hour monitoring sessions at the hospital, baby is looking great. I have a followup for the pneumonia with my OB on Tuesday and the 3 hour gestational diabetes test.  I have another 11 days on one of the antibiotics and 3 more days on another.  I am still on pain meds as my lung will start to hurt pretty bad, along with my throat and head when the drugs start to wear off. 

So last week pretty much sucked.  But I did realize that I love civilian hospitals!  Everyone is so nice, and I appreciated everything they did for me.  The Navy hospital where I delivered DD was not so good...:)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

One lucky gal...

Sometimes I think that people take their spouses for granted.  I think that I have, especially in the years that I we have struggled with infertility.  DH has been there for me, and he has had some struggles of his own on this journey.  I never would have thought we would be where we are now when we got married almost 12 years ago.  We knew from the beginning that it would be rough for us to get pregnant, so we didn't prevent...ever.  Luckily we had both lost a quite a bit of weight and that had to have been the magical time for things to work correctly (yay for our unmedicated DD miracle!!).  I am thankful for DH, thankful that he has stuck by me through this infertility madness that crept into my brain, thankful that he didn't give up on me and our future children, thankful that he is such a great man, thankfull that he is so understanding as this journey could have easily led to divorce.  I think this infertility journey has helped us to communicate more effectively, I feel that when we talk we really listen to each other.    

Should we have done things differently on this journey?  Maybe.  But if we had, I probably wouldn't be who I am now.  I have felt lost and alone so many times over these last 4 years, but knowing I have this outlet, this blog, has changed things for me.  Seeing others struggle, then end up pregnant, and giving birth to beautiful babies has made me feel something I haven't felt in a long time.  HOPE.

And now here I am, one of those that struggled and now I am almost at the finish line.  It has been hard as our loss last year really put things into perspective.  To have something so beautiful taken away so fast is something that can't be explained.  It made this pregnancy not seem real, and made us both think horrible things at each and every appointment.  But now?  Feeling baby Charlie moving around all day every day has me feeling pretty optimistic.  Optimistic for the the rest of this pregnancy and optimistic for the next little infertility miracle we would like to be blessed with.