Friday, February 25, 2011

The bitterness is still there...

I have been slacking this week with ICLW, I hope that I have made some of it up today though.  I did come across a blog of a fellow IFer that talked about bitterness. 

I have been bitter for years.  Pretty much my whole marriage (going on 12 years now), not because of my marriage though, because of all of the IF that I have had to come to terms with.  I remember reading on another blog about women that were IFers having children and others considering them to not suffer from IF anymore.  HA!  I don't think so.  I have dealt with this IF stuff for so many years...PLUS I had to convince my new OB (back in 2007) that there was something wrong with me, he didn't think so as I already had a child (conceived and carried to term by pure miracle as I have PCOS and it is so severe that I was told that I would never bear children without lots of help, heck even my IF doc was astonished).  So does the bitterness go away?  Well, it hasn't for me.  To get to the point I am at now took a lot, a lot of $$$, a lot of patience (which I am short on these days), and a lot of trust.  I think the bitterness will always be there....lurking....

Do I still consider myself as suffering from infertility?  Yes.  I have always been and will always be infertile.  Just because I have a child doesn't mean that I am not an infertile.  I have actually had to define infertility and secondary infertility to people (LOL, even my OB!) as many people that have never dealt with IF have no clue.  And yes, I am that gal that puts it all out on the table..."relax and it'll happen" seriously???  I am so open with people, so they think they can try to give advice on stuff they have no clue about (LOL, maybe I shouldn't be as open??).  Relaxing isn't going to force Metformin into me so I can lower my chances at m/c IF I can ever get pregnant again, relaxing isn't going to put me into menopause so my ovaries calm down, relaxing isn't going to shove that needle in my belly 3 times a day until my follie scans show something happening, relaxing isn't going to do anything for someone like me.

Yes, I have been lucky, lucky in the sense that I finally found a doc that would listen and could help me with the issues that were preventing my body from working correctly.  I know I have said this before, but that doc is my hero.  He was so positive about things (well, other than calling me an anomaly when I overstimmed on Gonal-f so bad that they though I was going to get a severe case of OHSS). 

And now?  Now I feel myself getting a bit more confident about this pregnancy and having miracle baby #2, confident that I will conquer that IF battle once more.


  1. Over on ICLW - I think you have an interesting subject here. I know that people see me as 'normal' now, but I don't think you ever forget and I think the years of trying and failing mark you. They say that infertility is as stressful as cancer and there is a great deal of understanding for cancer survivors. Is there the same understanding for infertility survivors? I know I have strange times when I can't drive the car with the children in for fear of crash - I am sure it is all linked - I have that inbuilt fear that terrible things can happen and will happen.

    Huge luck to you in your pregnancy - here is to a happy, healthy and safe delivery xxxxxxx

  2. I love your resolve. Happy ICLW.

  3. It was really interesting to read this. I can't imagine the bitterness just going away if you have a healthy baby after IF- you can't just forget the heartache. What I can imagine is being more paranoid than "normal" parents.

    Sending you lots of luck for this pregnancy

  4. wow your old OB sounds like a total ass.

    I so hear you on the bitterness/always infertile thing, we're tying for #2, #1 was a freakin' miracle while waiting for IVF (luckily my doctor is proactive and taking my history into account) and I'm still bitter... not all the time, but life is viewed through infertile eyes and no matter what I can't forget.

  5. Hi from ICLW. I hope this pregnancy is it for you and you can conquer IF. Hugs.

  6. I can't imagine that IF is something you just 'get past'. You are entitled to feel a bit bitter. I hope all goes well for you and you are able to find peace somehow.