Figuring out the camera

Yea, I think I am doing pretty good. I don't have much spare time to go out and take lots and lots of pics with the new camera (Nikon D90), and I haven't figured out how to use the movie option either. But I have taken a few good pics.  I bought a Nikon D90 for dummies book and it has helped a bit.  Looking forward to "finding" some spare time to shoot some more pics...(this pic is un-retouched)

I really have to put some more pics on here...especially when I am bored and waiting for the next cycle of fertility mess...

Infertility and Secondary Infertility

So, as you all know I am having a rough time getting pregnant again.  The first time around was no cake walk either.  When I was 19 I was told that I would never have children.  Then after seeing a doctor once I got stationed in Italy (3 years later, I was 23ish) I was told I would have to see a fertility specialist when we moved back to the US.  A bit over 2 years after that we got pregnant with Chloe.  I must have spontaneously ovulated. 

Since then it has been a battle.  Infertility is defined as:  Not able to conceive after a year of regular intercourse without contraception. Secondary infertility refers to a couple who has successfully had children in the past, but when they try to have more children, they are unable to achieve pregnancy after one year of unprotected sex. 

I got a little upset the other day when a friend compared me to other women who had problems TTC #2.  One women tried for 8 months, and once she had figured out she ovulated later than she thought she ended up pregnant.  Lucky lady!  Here I sit with 3+ years under my belt (and that is just how long we've been TTC#2, we haven't ever prevented pregnancy in our whole relationship = 11+ years).  I hope my friend isn't mad at me for writing all of this on here, but I just wanted to get this out there to make sure that people know that just because you already have a child doesn't mean that you are not infertile (my OB thought this also and he thought it would just take time since I already had a child, well I wasted almost 3 years of my life with him), I suffered from primary infertility for over 5 years and then a miracle happened, my little girl.  And now I suffer from secondary infertility and I am trying to beat it.  Trying my best...and trying not to go insane in the process.

Sometimes it might take a women a little longer than she thinks...especially if she has not pinpointed ovulation.  Just because you have a 28 day cycle that doesn't mean that you ovulate on cd14.  Some women ovulate on cd16 or even cd18.  If you know you are ovulating, the best way to try for pregnancy is to have "relations" every other day.  That way the "guys" can build back up...;)  I had a feeling I wasn'[t ovulating...well, I knew I wasn't all the months I didn't have a cycle.  But the months I was having a cycle I thought I had a chance...well, nope.  No ovulation there either. 

So here I sit.  Waiting and waiting for the next step...then once that begins I have 2 weeks on BCP and then Lupron (for down regulation) and then I can start the injectable drugs yet again.  Hopefully the result is a bit better this time and I don't become a follicle farm again.  Something else that we might try if we have time before the November IVF cycle is Femara, I have read success stories of women with PCOS that tried it after Clomid failed to help them ovulate.  And one of the ladies on one of my message boards got her BFP on it while she was waiting to save for IVF.  She gave me a lot of hope! 

The timeline for all of this is up in the air.  My injectable cycles take a looooong time, but if this works this time and doesn't get cancelled and I actually ovulate, I think I have a great chance.  That has to be the issue...Fingers crossed! 

IVF Consultation today....here is how it went!

So we arrived at the RE's office a bit early, but then a couple ran in late for an appoinment...bah!  So our appointment started late.  Booo.  The RE came in and sat down and said that I am an anomaly, which is "One that is peculiar, irregular, abnormal, or difficult to classify."  With a case like mine (which I guess he doesn't see too often) it is almost impossible to get my ovaries to not overstimulate (that is why I was hurting so bad on Friday!).  Anyway, he explained that all of the drugs we have tried have overstimulated me (the follicles never were mature on Clomid = so other than the m/c in September last year I am Clomid resistant).  The FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) that he put me on was the lowest dosage that he prescribes and I still overstimulated.  He took me off of it and the follies stopped growing but if he had kept me on it my E2 levels showed that I would have had way too many and risked HOM (high order multiples) and then we ran the risk of having to reduce pregnancies.   

So he gave us 4 options: 
1.  Another injectables cycle with an even lower dose of FSH
2.  IVF (he recommended 1 fresh cycle and guesses I will produce 15-20 follies so we should have many to freeze)
3.  Adoption
4.  Be done with our family. <--Yea, not my favorite answer...but whatever.

So I am all for IVF.  The cost is a lot less than I was expecting!  Plus since I don't need as many drugs as "normal" women do that cuts the cost too.  The next IVF cycle through his clinic is in September, which I can't do as I will (should) be traveling to New Orleans for a couple weeks for the Navy.  The next cycle after that is in November.  I think we will do another injectables cycle (with the lower dosage) and see how that goes.  If I overstimulate yet again I will probably just go on the pill until the November IVF cycle.  Unless teh RE has another plan to try.

The RE is very confident.  He gave us the stats on the success rates and they were awesome!  Just for comparison the injectables cycle will be about a 15% chance (normal pregnancy is around this) and an IVF cycle (of a couple that has never been pregnant) is over 65%.  Maybe we can fit 2 injectables cycles in there before IVF (ugh, forgot about the trip I will have to work out those dates and see if we can fit it in...)

So...now is the time to round up the money, and sock a lot of money away to be able to pay for this...thankfully I have been saving a little here and there.  Doesn't look like we are gong on that trip to Venice we were planning on next year...we'll see... 

IVF Consultation

Well, the consultation is tomorrow.  I never thought it would get to this.  It is crazy to think that I have only been going to the fertility doctor since January.  I look back and I should've asked to be referred much earlier.  My OB had no clue. 

I have written down some questions to ask, but my doc is pretty informative, just wondering if DH is going to have a hard time keeping up.  I hope not.  We will have to talk to the billing office at the clinic also I would imagine, maybe they can steer us towards a good finance company...DH made a great point when I told him I thought we couldn't afford IVF, he said that we'll be paying for a child for the rest of his or her life anyway so why not go ahead?  I agreed...

You know what?  I am happy to move on.  All those months (YEARS!) spent TTC have weighed heavily on me.  I have started to feel defeated and let down.  But now there is a light at the end of the tunnel!   

At least this way we can pay for 3 cycles of IVF and if we don't bring home a baby from those 3 cycles we get 90% of our money back.  Nice... 

I will write another blog tomorrow after the appt...excited and nervous...;) 

IVF anyone?

Well...we have 2 choices.  Either do another cycle like we just did which will take almost 2 months or consult with the RE for IVF.  We decided to do both (unless we can get IVF before another superovulation cycle).  We will find the money!  The money tree has been planted, just needs some fertilizer and lots of water. 

Everything I have read and heard from the clinic states that women with PCOS run a much higher risk of producing waaaaay too many follicles (uh, yea, that is me) and cycles get cancelled.  I am not sure I can handle another cancelled cycle!  Today was horrible.  I honestly feel like a worthless pile of poo.  I feel broken.  I see the pain in my husband's eyes...we wanted more than 1 child!  We didn't agree on the numbers (him - 4, me - 2), so we agreed on 3.  That was as soon as we got married and here we are 10+ years later with 1 awesome little girl.  She is the best thing that happened to me (us) but I know that our family is not complete. 

As of right now (haven't had the IVF consult yet) it is looking like we will do the VIP (vested interest program) at my RE's office.  We will get 90% of our $ back if we go through 3 cycles of IVF and don't end up with a baby.  I have to research it a bit more but I remember reading something about miscarriages don't count against us...but I am doubtful about that aspect...

So whatever it takes, I am ready.  Bring it on.  I will conquer you infertility!  You are going down!

And the neverending TTC drama continues

Well I just stopped crying after crying for a solid hour and a half. Yea, the appt didn't go as we had hoped. So I was nervous because it could have gone either way - too many follies or too little follies to go ahead with the IUI tomorrow. Well...the follies stopped growing. The nurse said that I might have already ovulated (yea, but they told us not to bd just in case there were too many follies today so that screwed that all up, and I had EWCM yesterday and sore nipples so I am pretty sure I O'd - but we probably missed it).


The RE had me stop taking the injectable drug on Thursday night, the nurse said that the RE was hoping that some of the follies kept growing. So after the u/s the nurse asked if we had any questions and DH said yes actually we do. (At this point I was already crying) DH said that this is extremely frustrating, we went through 6 cycles of Clomid (2 monitored by the RE, 4 unmonitored by the OB) and every time nothing...no sign of ovulation (minus the m/c in Sep with the OB). Now we spend a lot of money on these injectables (because our insurance won't pay for them if we have IUI or IVF) and this cycle gets cancelled too. She explained that it is really hard with PCOS and injectables not to get an overproduction. Well...I would rather have a chance! Anyway, she also told us that there are women that donate the drugs they didn't use, and that they would try to get us some so we can go ahead with the IUI instead of timed intercourse.

This whole mess just makes me so mad and sad...It has been a month and a half since this cycle started and I don't even have a freaking O. I am so tired of all of this. January of 2009 I vowed to myself that I wouldn't give up again (in the 4 years TTC#2 I have given up 3 or 4 times). Why is all I ask? What did I do or not do? People tell me that "everything happens for a reason" or "it must not be in God's plan" or "maybe you were meant to have only one child", well, you know what?  I don't care.  It is in my plan and I will try this whole mess again.

Now I am waiting for the RE's office to call back and tell me the new plan. I am hoping that I don't have to go on BCP for a month...but that probably won't be decided until I get a baseline u/s after AF shows....which probably won't show without drugs anyway...so the wait is on for the phone call.

At what point am I supposed to give up anyway? I am wondering if the nurse is going to recommend I see a infertility therapist...the way I reacted today I would not doubt it. Just a freaking mess I was...I hate crying.

How are you supposed to just give up on something like this? My family is not complete, I feel that every single day...I don't go a day without thinking about baby #2...which in all actuality was due 2 days ago, I mourn for that loss and I hope to have that chance for another pregnancy, this time a healthy pregnancy with a healthy child that comes of it...

Follie check

Oh, the never ending Erica and her ovaries drama...shoot me now...

My lining was great (measured 14mm), and then the follie scan started...there weren't any 16mm or over, the largest was 14.5mm, but there were 17 follies between 12mm and 14.5mm! And there were 35 under 10mm. Whoa follies! No wonder my womanly parts have been hurting and Tylenol hasn't been helping... I was trying to keep positive about it and I joked to the nurse that I would probably be a prime candidate for IVF, and she agreed. Yikes. They are going to call me back with the plan, so I am guessing they are going to start me back on Gonal-f to keep those follies growing, but they could also cancel the cycle for over production. That pisses me off because I paid for the meds out of pocket (because ins won't cover if meds if I have an IUI or IVF), I asked the billing office and the nurses if we could just do a cycle to see how it goes and do timed intercourse, but they wanted to do it this way. The only extra money they are getting is for the IUI and it isn't much. I want to scream and curse right now. I have to remember that it isn't over until I get that phone call saying that it is cancelled. I will try to keep the hope alive.

They gave me more drugs just in case I run out, I shouldn't run out before Monday, but we will see what happens...I hope I don't have to use theirs, wondering how much that is going to rack up on my cc bill. I need to win the lotto.

I need a money tree.  I want another child so much.  What do you do when you don't have the money to pay for IVF?  I don't want to take out a loan!  I should buy a lotto ticket (and I totally don't believe in the lotto). 
 
UPDATE:
AFM - Got the call back from the nurse. First I want to say that before all this mess TTC#2 I was different ethically so don't think bad of me. Ok got that out.


The nurse said that the RE wants to cancel the cycle because of over production unless I am ok with selective reduction. That is something that DH and I didn't want to even think about unless it happened. Well, it has happened, we have triple the amount of follies that they are looking for. So the nurse needed an answer before she would go on. So I told her it is a very hard decision that we have talked about and we would do it for the safety of my life and the other babies. That tears me up inside, but if it is what has to be done then that is what has to be done. So we would have to reduce down to twins. Done with talking about that.  Not worried about judgement as DH and I are the ones that have to live with the decision...it will tear us up, but it is what it is.

So next she said no more injectable follicle stims (YAY!) So I keep taking the injections of Lupron (to hold of Oing) and then Sunday evening I take the hcg shot to induce O. I am freaking out right now. Trying so hard not to cry. So Monday is a VERY important day, I have yet another u/s to check follies, if there are waaaay too many mature ones then they will cancel the cycle and we are to not try to get pregnant until a new cycle starts, I am guessing that they will put me on drugs to induce that but I am not sure. If things look better and not too many of the follies mature then I will go in for the IUI on Tuesday. Another scenario that I just thought of is that the follies could stop growing,...too much could happen...