Monday, May 17, 2010

And the neverending TTC drama continues

Well I just stopped crying after crying for a solid hour and a half. Yea, the appt didn't go as we had hoped. So I was nervous because it could have gone either way - too many follies or too little follies to go ahead with the IUI tomorrow. Well...the follies stopped growing. The nurse said that I might have already ovulated (yea, but they told us not to bd just in case there were too many follies today so that screwed that all up, and I had EWCM yesterday and sore nipples so I am pretty sure I O'd - but we probably missed it).

The RE had me stop taking the injectable drug on Thursday night, the nurse said that the RE was hoping that some of the follies kept growing. So after the u/s the nurse asked if we had any questions and DH said yes actually we do. (At this point I was already crying) DH said that this is extremely frustrating, we went through 6 cycles of Clomid (2 monitored by the RE, 4 unmonitored by the OB) and every time sign of ovulation (minus the m/c in Sep with the OB). Now we spend a lot of money on these injectables (because our insurance won't pay for them if we have IUI or IVF) and this cycle gets cancelled too. She explained that it is really hard with PCOS and injectables not to get an overproduction. Well...I would rather have a chance! Anyway, she also told us that there are women that donate the drugs they didn't use, and that they would try to get us some so we can go ahead with the IUI instead of timed intercourse.

This whole mess just makes me so mad and sad...It has been a month and a half since this cycle started and I don't even have a freaking O. I am so tired of all of this. January of 2009 I vowed to myself that I wouldn't give up again (in the 4 years TTC#2 I have given up 3 or 4 times). Why is all I ask? What did I do or not do? People tell me that "everything happens for a reason" or "it must not be in God's plan" or "maybe you were meant to have only one child", well, you know what?  I don't care.  It is in my plan and I will try this whole mess again.

Now I am waiting for the RE's office to call back and tell me the new plan. I am hoping that I don't have to go on BCP for a month...but that probably won't be decided until I get a baseline u/s after AF shows....which probably won't show without drugs the wait is on for the phone call.

At what point am I supposed to give up anyway? I am wondering if the nurse is going to recommend I see a infertility therapist...the way I reacted today I would not doubt it. Just a freaking mess I was...I hate crying.

How are you supposed to just give up on something like this? My family is not complete, I feel that every single day...I don't go a day without thinking about baby #2...which in all actuality was due 2 days ago, I mourn for that loss and I hope to have that chance for another pregnancy, this time a healthy pregnancy with a healthy child that comes of it...

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