Yay. Another appointment.

Stim day 8.  After the increase in dosage a few days ago the nurse and RE were expecting follicles to have grown.  Well, they didn't.  There are a bunch of them, but they are still small.  I wasn't getting my hopes up as I have done that too many times and been super disappointed and left that office crying.  Today?  Nope, no tears were shed.  The nurse was more disappointed than I was.  Funny actually.  Before the IVF consult I probably would've cried at the disappointment that the nurse showed.  Funny how infertility changes you.  Funny how you go from being so hopeful to feeling more hopeless as each appointment looms over your head.

So now I wait.  Waiting on the E2 levels and another possible increase in dosage.  Probably another appointment on Monday... 

Lottery anyone?

So I woke up this morning to take my shots.  How does one hit 2 blood vessels on just 2 shots?  Fabulous!   arrrgh... 

Oh...and is it hot in here or is it the Lupron??? 

Stim day 6 and appointment

I was expecting this.  I am glad I have already been through this many times and know what to expect.  It is still super early so at the appointment the follies were still under 10mm.  I had my E2 levels drawn and drove home. 

I wasn't home too long and my phone rang.  I was shocked to see it was the RE's office, they don't usually call until well after noon.  Well, I got the plan for the next few days.  Take an additional 75iu of Gonal f this morning, and tomorrow morning and then Friday morning also.  Follow the regular plan other than that.  This makes me a bit nervous as I think back to May and overstimming...:(

I had to open another box of Gonal f (booo), mixed it, and then injected the 75iu.  Hoping that these exta doses do the trick and I get some nice follies by my appointment on Friday morning...;)...but no too many...

Oh, and I am an emotional basketcase...probably doesn't help that in every PCOS blog I have been looking at today the gal is pregnant or has a new baby...ugh, it is like going to Babies 'R' Us...

And it is the last day of ICLW...how did the time go so fast?  I will have to remember to sign up again, it was fun to read and comment on other blogs...;)

Tomorrow tomorrow...I love ya tomorrow...

Yea, not so much.  I am trying not to get my hopes waaaaaay up this time.  Anything could happen, I could turn into a follie farm again and get cancelled, I could grow the perfect amount of follies only to have them never mature, I could have a "perfect" cycle (HA) and end up with a BFN, I could understim (HA again) and get cancelled, ugh....there are so many things that could go wrong.  I sit and think about it all and wonder if I should just go ahead with IVF instead of dealing with all of this. 

I have a MUCH better shot of pregnancy than if I never O...;)  Hoping that this cycle is not another cancelled one like all of them in the last year.  Talk about disappointing...I wish I could O...or how about I think I can O, I think I can O...LOL  On a positive not, I am definitely feeling something going on in there...feeling a little crampy even after taking Tylenol.  Good sign?  We will see tomorrow I guess...;) 

Appointment tomorrow.  Another follie check and E2 levels.  Hoping we see something happening...;)

Oh, here is something that kills me to admit:

I haven't taken a hpt in almost a YEAR. Why, you ask? Well, I had the m/c in September, put on hold for 2 months which turned into 3 as I don't get AF on my own. Another round of Clomid (lower dose because the OB was a moron) and there was no O. On hold for a month waiting for appt with RE, bcp for a month, first clomid cycle (Feb) no follies grew bigger than 8mm, same with 2nd clomid cycle (Mar), first injectables cycle overstimmed - cancelled (Apr/May), next cycle had cysts (June), and now I am currently on one of my last "hail mary" cycles before IVF next April (unless I have to go overseas for the military).

Can I get a freaking O please??? I should be going insane, right? August last year was my last O, no O earlier that year and no clue when I would have O'd before 2009. I doubt I have since I got pg with DD.

I hate my ovaries. Really...that is all that is wrong. My lining is beautiful every.single.time I get a u/s...just them darn ovaries...I flip them off all the time.  They make me so mad.

The first of many appointments

Had a monitoring appointment today (E2 levels and u/s).  Lining had the 3 stripe thing they look for, and my ovaries are doing what they do.  There are quite a few small follies already...they will be calling later to tell me how much Gonal f to take tonight.  Then I am guessing another appointment on Wednesday...we'll see.  I will edit this post later when I hear from them, should be any minute now...;)

Got a call back from the nurse, I am to keep taking the 75iu of Gonal f and have another monitoring u/s on Wednesday. 

Stim Day 2

On to day 2.  This morning the 10 units of Lupron were a b.  Ever since my first injectables cycle (with down regulation) I have had problems on the right side of my belly button.  It is like the skin there is more sensitive to pain.  So this morning I had to keep poking around to find a spot that didn't hurt so bad.  The whole deal is probably because I busted a blood vessel that first injectables cycle and had a ugly bruise...

10 units Lupron - check
75iu Gonal f  - check
1500ER Metformin - after bedtime snack
Prenatal - after bedtime snack

Countdown to first monitoring appointment - 2 days...

Down regulation appointment

Nice to meet you Mr. Wandy Cam...it has been awhile.  Well, not really...we just had a date a few weeks ago, didn't we?  I was looking forward to seeing you all week!  Forget all the bloating and nausea from those pesky Lupron injections, that appointment with you was what really matters.

Anyway, it is hard not to laugh at how friendly I have become with the u/s wand...I am sure many of you know what I mean...I am anticipating many more wanding appointments than during any other cycle I have had due to the overstim on Gonal f last time.  So, back to the appointment.  I had one of the nurses that I really like for the bloodwork (E2 levels) and the u/s.  Something I have to mention is that at my fertility clinic the nurses do everything, there is no u/s tech or nurses aid to draw blood.  Last year when I was still with my OB I would get u/s by a tech and they never told me what they saw, I hated that.  I would ask questions and each tech every time would tell me that the OB could answer my questions.  Blah.  Nothing like being clueless!  Then the OB was clueless anyway...

Ok, really...back to the appointment.  My lining looked good (the minipill did it's job) and there were a few small PCOS follies on one of my ovaries but the nurse said it didn't look like anything to worry about.  Honestly, last cycle (May) there were more small ones than there were this time so I am feeling pretty good about it.  After the appintment she gave me the plan for drugs (she asked if I wanted to start tonight...uh, yes!  Definitely!), so now I just have to wait until later when they call with the E2 results and then I can start the 75iu of Gonal f tonight.  Next appointment is Monday morning for bloodwork (E2 levels) and u/s.  At that point the RE will decide if I need to adjust my dosage of Gonal f (after finding out the E2 levels).  I am pretty sure the appointments will be at least every other day from then on.  Last time I didn't go in until I had been on Gonal f for 5 days...wondering if they could tell at that point that I was already hosed?

So, I have to break out the big guns later, I have a stash of Gonal f in my kitchen cabinets.  It makes me smile every time I see it as this time the meds were covered by insurance this time.  Yay!   

Edited to add:  E2 levels came back normal (25.2) so I start tonight! 

I went postal...

So, after years and years of comments that makes an infertile lady go nuts I finally had enough...I blew up!  The last few years I have been very open with my struggles, before that?  Not so much.  Any child is a miracle, but DD?  She saved me.  Friends around me were getting pregnant, having babies, and there DH and I sat...when we got news that we were pregnant (after 5 years) we honestly had no idea what to do next. 

So, back to the story.  If someone askes me where I am at in my journey, I tell them.  Sometimes I even start talking about it without being asked (with close friends).  Well, one day at work a guy (out of the blue) tells me that I need to relax.  He has said this to me at least once every week for the last 2+ years.  So I lost it.  I told him that 1. I have a medical condition that is preventing me from getting pregnant.  2. Relaxing isn't going to make my hormones, insulin, ovaries, and uterus work correctly.  3. Don't ever talk about it to me again. 

Since then?  No, he has not said one word about relaxing.  Aaaahhh...THAT relaxes me.

3 blogs in one day???

I keep forgetting to post pics of our last trip, it was a short one but we fit a lot in.  Utah for a wedding, then southern California for SeaWorld and Disneyland.  We left DD in California to visit 2 sets of grandparents (she has 4 sets).  We are missing her so much... 

Here are some pics of our trip...

Let's try this again...Welcome ICLW-ers!

A few posts down I wrote out my TTC journey.  I just went back and edited my sidebar to add all that in so it is easier to find...LOL

Happy ICLW!!!

A touch of nausea...

Have I said that I am not a big fan of Lupron?  Ugh...nausea, weight gain (like 5 lbs in the last few days), definitely hot flashes, general grumpiness...LOL...and I thought Clomid was bad!

A few days left and hopefully I will get word that I can start Gonal f...then if all goes well, I will finally get that long awaited 2ww!  So jealous of women that get a 2ww...I haven't had one since August/September of last year...I am definitely due...;) 

Welcome ICLW-ers!

Thanks for stopping by my secondary infertility/PCOS blog...;)

This is the first time I have joined the Internation Comment Leaving Week, and it seems like a great way to meet new bloggers going through a similar as I am (or not)...
My story.  I had a long and detailed story written but I came back later and edited the crap out of it.  Too long and drawn out...

Irregular AF (one or 2 a year)
1997 - DX possible PCOS, told never able to have kids
1999 - DH and I got married - have never been on BCP
2002 - OB visits, many many tests - told that fertility doctor is needed (stationed overseas, had to wait until we were stateside to see a RE)
2004 - Lost 35 pounds - 7 months after weight loss, found out we were 9 weeks pg
2005 - DD born
2006 - TTC#2
2007 - OB visits, voiced concern about abnormal AF, Provera prescribed
2008 - revisited OB, again voiced concerns about abnormal AF and concerns about not getting pregnant, OB "informed" me that since I already have a child I just needed to give it time
2008-2009 - Made BBT charts proving to OB I was not Oing
2009 - 4 rounds Clomid, 50mg - no O, 100mg - no O, 150mg - O then +hpt then m/c, 100mg - no O
2009 - OB put me on hold after m/c for 2 months, AF never came.  Wasted another month trying to prove to OB I was not pg.  Asked for referral to an RE
2010 - Met with RE, dx with PCOS.  Prescribed BCP to shrink cysts, and on 1500ER of Metformin for IR
2010 Feb - 100mg Clomid, monitored cycle, no follies grew over 8mm (there were over 60 of them though)
2010 Mar - 100mg Clomid for 10 days instead of 5, nurse told me before last u/s that this almost always does the trick, yea....no follies over 8mm again, but there were more than 60...Clomid resistant...:(
2010 Apr/May - First injectables cycle, down regulated (Lupron) and started 150iu of Gonal f, 4 follies measuring 10mm on stim day 7, then 17 follies measuring 14mm on stim day 9 - cancelled cycle for overstim and high E2 levels
2010 June - Cycle cancelled due to cysts, on BCP
2010 July - 2nd injectables cycle, lower dosage of Gonal f 75iu and will move from there to try and control # of follies better, appt July 23rd to check down regulation, stims start soon after if good.  Then follie check after follie check, ovidrel to induce O, and then 2ww...

I can't put a number on how much time and money has been "wasted" on my journey.  When I think about all the hpt's and opk's...ugh...I am planning on IVF in the spring, but I want to stick out these last 2 injectable cycles in case we get another miracle.

Every day I am thankful for the child that I have, but that doesn't keep me from longing for my next child and making DD a big sister...

Infertility article

I found an article today about breaking-the-silence-of-infertility and I will admit that it has helped me to talk about what my husband and I have been going through.  Many (if not all) of my real life friends (as opposed to my message board friends) do not know what I go through in my experiences with infertility.  I am glad for that as I would not wish this on anyone.  The thing about all of this is that I am suffering.  I put on that happy face every day and face the world, but inside I am a mess.  Years have been wasted.  Years that I can't get back.  Thankfully time is on my side, but even though I am still young the years it has taken to get to this point have drained me.  

I am not a person that holds anything back.  I tell people I just met about my struggles, it has even helped a few women and for that I am grateful. I have been told over and over that I am a strong person.  The funny thing about that is that I have no choice.  How am I supposed to act?  I can't exactly cry every moment of every day even if that is how I feel.  I could give up as I have numerous times in our (almost) 11 year journey trying for children, or I could fight.  I have been fighting for our next child now for 19 months straight.  Before that, I had been trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years!  I was going at it blindly of course, but 19 months of doctor intervention has given me a pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, too much emotional pain to share on a blog, fights with my husband about what to do next, and 15 extra pounds that won't seem to go away (I blame down regulation, Clomid, gonal f, Provera, etc.)  When will my time come?  I know I am young, but I feel like I have been struggling for so long to make my only child a sibling...    

Taken directly from the article:  Risa Levine, a 48-year-old attorney in New York City, endured 10 IVF cycles and four miscarriages, yet remains childless. "Someone who had a breast cancer scare once said to me, 'What you went through is nothing; it's not like you were scared you were going to die,'" Levine recalls. "My thought was, Yeah, but I wanted to."  <- Although I haven't been through IVF (yet) I have had a miscarriage.  I did want to die.  I had the baby that I had been longing for in my womb, and it was taken away so quickly...

I have become numb to things that people say.  I don't blame them for not knowing what they say hurts my feelings.  Two of the worst thing that have been said to me in the couple of months are "Well, what if IVF doesn't work?  How are you going to get through that?"  Uh...day by day I guess???  And the second worst thing said to me "You are not infertile, you have a child."  I actually laughed at that one.  That is what my OB thought also (he wanted to give it "time"...I gave him 2+ YEARS to get me pregnant...yea, that didn't work!  Have to have an egg there buddy!).  I had to explain what infertility is to that gal.  If you don't know, infertility is when a couple has been trying to get pregnant after at least a year of unprotected sex (DH and I had unprotected sex for 5 years, found out we were pregnant with DD a week after our 5th anniversary), so we sufferred from infertility, and now we are suffering from secondary infertility - going on 4 years now (secondary infertility is the inability to conceive after having one or more children).

Something that I have been thinking about since reading that article is that one of 2 things will end up happening.  I will either get pregnant and finally conquer this secondary infertility mess that I am in, or I won't get pregnant.  My husband and I will have to eventually give in.  Well, that or go bankrupt trying and trying...

4 more days!

In the home stretch...4 more days until my down regulation appointment.  I had a little hiccup the first day I was to start Lupron (the 14th), we were at Disneyland and I totally forgot that morning was the first day I was supposed to start.  We got back from Disneyland and I took my 20 unit shot, and then took another about 8 hours later (2nd day was on schedule).  I felt like crap on the plane back home the next day...light headed...wondering if it was because of the double dose of Lupron.  Anyway, I am excited to get this going.  Everything should work out ok with dates, but I am a little nervous as DH has a 3-4 day trip that he has to go on right around the time that I would be getting ready for O.  If I have to I will fly to where he is to make sure that this cycle isn't a wash...these cycles are waaaaaay too long to do that...

Those pesky signs

So, I have gotten great at ignoring certain things...pregnant women, babies, strollers, etc (ok, I will admit that I was counting pregnant ladies at Disneyland the other day, but I lost count at 75 and then started ignoring them).

But I absolutely loathe these stupid signs:

Or what about this one:

Uh....duh.  Really?  There has to be a warning?  Hey, don't stop there!  There should be a warning like that all over the place warning those (smart) pregnant ladies that smoking crack (or doing any other drug) will cause birth defects also.

Feeling positive about it all...

So my daughter and I were on a flight to get to a wedding.  We fly standby and ended up getting seats next to a husband and wife (across the aisle).  I noticed the woman was a little on the large side but I didn't look any farther than that.  After we got to cruising altitude she got up to use the restroom and I noticed that she looked about 20 weeks pregnant.  LOL Of course I get seated next to a pregnant lady!  At first I just sat there and sulked.  Then I turned to her husband and asked when they were due, he said "November", I asked "boy or girl?"  He stated "twin girls".  Well, that got me uber curious!  The gal came back from the restroom and I started talking to her.  One of the first things that she said was that they are IVF fraternal twins.  Then I find out she also has PCOS.  We talked a lot on the flight, I bet that the people around us really didn't want to hear about our issues, but I didn't care.  I found someone IRL (in real life) to talk to if only for an hour or two.  We have a lot in common, minus the fact that I have an awesome kid already, but sometimes that happens with PCOS.  Spontaneous ovulation.  I lucked out with DD.  I don't think that people that have never dealt with IF (infertility) can ever understand.  If I had not been on that crazy healthy eating and exercising kick she probably wouldn't be here.  Luck, miracle, call it what you want. 

I know a gal who has 3 year old identical twins that went to the same place as the gal I met on the plane did.  The gal I met on the plane bought the 3 refundable cycles and the 2nd cycle worked and they have 6 totsicles on ice.  DH and I won't do another IVF cycle if the first one doesn't work.  At least not a fresh cycle.  Hopefully we have lots of good follies and get many many great embryos to freeze.  If IVF#1 doesn't work then we will definitely do a frozen cycle...

That renewed my interest in IVF.  So I think it is April or bust!  I will try to keep a positive mind about the 2 (or maybe 3) injectable cycles we have left before we end up going ahead with IVF.  By April we will definitely have the $....want to pay cash...;)

I am so glad that I got up the nerve to say something to that couple.  If I hadn't, I would have sat there the whole flight mad and depressed.  Even though I got up the nerve, it still doesn't change the fact that every time I see a pregnant lady I feel sad.  I know that finally getting pregnant will definitely help with that, but ugh!  It is so frustrating waiting and waiting...stupid long cycles are getting to me.  July 23rd is my down regulation appointment, if all is well I can start stims the next day or 2 afterwards.  The days are dragging by!

OMGoodness

Found this on another blog, yes it is a real book. Bite me. Try infertility beeeatch.

Come on already!

So I have this nice vacation planned...and it is going to get messed up because AF isn't showing her face.  My last BCP was Sunday and nothing yet.  I think I usually get it within 5 days of the last BCP and that is not good considering I will be traveling for a week starting on Friday morning.  Have to get that baseline ultrasound when AF arrives though.  Looks like DH and DD might have to go without me on Friday and I will have to take a later flight IF cd1 is Friday.  If not, then we (or just me) won't be going to Disneyland on Monday...:(  Sucks that it is probably going to mess stuff up this time.  We have cancelled 2 vacations so far this year because of infertility appointments...this will be 3 vacations...depressing.  Well, the positive side to it is that I am saving time off and money...LOL  Gotta save for IVF...;)

Come on already!  Let's get this cycle started!  I have a good feeling this time...good feeling that I might not overstimulate and that I will actually have a chance to get pregnant!

Oops...

So do you ever have one of those days?  One of those days that it probably would have been a good idea to stay in bed?  Yea, today for me.  I volunteered to go into work early (4 hours earlier than normal) and it threw everything off.  I forgot to take my BCP (unless I took it in my sleep), I forgot my lunch, and I am sure there is something else uber important that I forgot to do.  At least I won't be getting home at midnight tonight though.  Have to remember to take that pill!  I only have a few left.

Left a message with the RE's nurse line.  I was curious if they wanted me to come in for a u/s to check and make sure those cysts are gone before I waste another 2 weeks on the minipill and down regulating.  I think I might ask to get that checked every single time as it sucks to waste those 2 weeks!  So, yes...I will call them on Tuesday (Sunday is my last pill) and then I will go in on cd1, 2, or 3 to get that u/s.  Then if all is clear (FX!!!) then I can start cycle #2 on injectables.  Hoping that one of those 3 days is a day that I am actually in town or I am pretty hosed!  I might have to fly at a different time than Doug and Chloe (depending on when all of this is going to start)...ugh...infertility drama...

Infertility blogs

I have found sooo many.  It sucks that so many women suffer from IF and SIF, but I enjoy reading the thoughts of others that are experiencing this.  This gal posted something today that I can completely relate to.  You know what?  I even think that DH has changed because of this mess.  Here is the blog:  http://twwasted.blogspot.com/2010/06/who-is-this-person.html