And the side effects begin!

I am sitting here doing nothing.  Typing on the computer, yet I am burning up.  Can you say HOT FLASH anyone?  Baaahhhh....much worse than Clomid.  Also, I am feeling less emotional (much less) than normal.  The last 3 years have been hard, wondering why this is happening to me, and the tears are not usually far.  But today?  Nope, no tears in sight...well, except after reading some not so good news from a friend from iVillage that is going through a similar situation that I am.  But other than that, I feel like a robot.  I will have to look it up and see if that is a side effect. 

Something else that has been on my mind is WHY?  What did I do or not do to deserve this?  I know that God has a plan, but why do I have to suffer like this?  How come so many other people get what they desire?  I know that I am not a horrible person, so what would the reason be for not blessing me with another child?  Do I just have to let go and try not to worry about all of this TTC stuff?  How can I not worry when I have to wake up early to take a pill and inject myself with drugs?  Aaarrrgh...tears in my eyes now.  I hate crying. 

The next couple of weeks are going to be extremely hard.  Especially if this cycle doesn't work.  I am trying to put all of the worrying and what ifs out of my mind during the day, it is helping a little, but my mind always drifts back...

I feel as if my time is running out.  I know I am not "old", but I didn't want all this space in between Chloe and her brother or sister.  Chloe is such a great kid, I want to bring another child into this world so they can share experiences with her.  Oh, something she started saying recently...she thinks that when I do get pregnant again that there will be a boy AND a girl in there.  Couldn't figure out where she got that until I sat and watched Dora with her today (Dora's younger sibling are boy girl twins).  Chloe is a funny kid... 

All I have left to say is that no woman in this world should have to experience this. It is heart wrenching. I can't describe it to someone that has never experienced infertility....I feel as if I am broken and I can't even be a real woman anymore. I feel alone and I feel desperation, jealousy, embarassment, hopelessness, and many other words that are escaping me right now. 

On that note it is Wednesday.  Girls night.  Hope to get my mind off of my mess for a little while...;) 

Stupid insurance...

I had to post again.  Just had to.  My day was going ok until I called the pharmacy to check on my Gonal f.  NOT covered by insurance because I am having an IUI.  Aaaack!  What if the Gonal f doesn't help any follies grow and I don't end up having the IUI???  I paid gobs of money for the drugs and I might not even have the procedure!  If that ends up happening I will talk to the doctor's office about not anticipating that I will have an IUI next time, then insurance will pay for the drugs and if the drugs don't work again I won't feel so cheated.

On a positive note, at least I am getting a bunch of points on my credit card.  Yay.

One more week!

7a.m. came really early today.  I work afternoons...how does morning get here so quickly?  Aaaarrrrgh.  I have remembered to take my pill every morning so far (googled it and it is considered a "mini pill").  Sunday I started taking my daily injections of Lupron.  Everything got thrown off because we had Navy Reserve drill weekend, so hopefully it doesn't matter much that I took the drugs a little early. 

The Lupron injections are not bad, just sting a little bit when inserting the needle and injecting the drug.  I thought that it would get easier or better for me the more injections that I took, but I think lack of sleep might be having an effect on my injection skills.  The silly needle wouldn't go in this morning. After my appointment next week I will only have 4 doses left of Lupron so I am not sure if I will be getting another prescription?  I guess I should probably check the paperwork and see if I need to order another 14 day kit. 

Still trying to get my FSH (follicle stimulating hormones) figured out.  Insurance is holding things up, not sure if the drugs will be paid for or not, and I am not holding my breath.  At least I will get many many points on my credit card...(trying to look for a positive in all of that money that will be spent).

Side effects you ask?  No, I haven't noticed any yet.  I have been expecting hot flashes and other side effects of menopause, and thankfully none have shown up yet.  Ok, I lied.  I have been bloated, but that could be leftover side effects from so many months on Clomid.  And I have also been moody, but I have been that way for over a year now.  I am 99.9% sure that DH would disagree, he would say it has been much more than a year of moodiness.

So the countdown is on until my appointment next week, they will be doing an ultrasound and bloodwork to check and make sure the drugs are working like they are supposed to and I could start taking the FSH that day!  I have looked into how long it takes the average woman to produce follies and it is 8-10 days.  Hopefully I am an average woman.  I sure wasn't on Clomid.

7 DAYS!!!

Psycological component of infertility

I read a great article today, on my search for infertility blogs. This article is long, but there are circled areas and underlined areas that could have been written by me! It is so hard to try and get a fertile person to understand what I am feeling...from what I skimmed over in the article it hits it pretty much head on.

The Psychological Component of Infertility

Hoping the weekend flies by...bet you haven't heard that lately? LOL. I have drill (Navy Reserves) and dread it the week leading up to it, but once I am there it is ok...;)

Doctor Google has answered so many questions...

So, what should I eat after the IUI? (assuming this month will not get cancelled like the other months) Dr. Google to the rescue! A small amount of fresh pineapple is suppose to aid implantation. Hummm...I just might have to try that!

What should I do or not do? Well, I will definitely NOT be lifting the 45 pound computers at work, and I will definitely NOT be picking Chloe up. So I will have to pretend I am already pregnant and take it easy...

May 4th can not get here soon enough...please let everything work how it is supposed to this time! Come on drugs...do your job!

Clomid

So, there are lots of different websites with info about Clomid. It is supposed to induce ovulation in 80% of women (if I remember right) and after 6 months on it, 30% of those women get pregnant. :( So it didn't work for me on the FDA's recommended dosage. My RE didn't want to go up to a higher dosage because of the negative effects it would have on my reproductive system.
I am too scared to look up the stats on PCOS and injectables. I have read about fertility doctors wanting to go straight to IVF as it is a lot more accurate. They place 2 fertilized eggs in your uterus (sometimes 3), but with injectables they have no way of knowing how many eggs will get fertilized. <- Hence Jon and Kate plus 8. They went through an ovulation induction cycle and the sextuplets were the result. My fertility doctor will refer me to a multi fetal reduction doctor if something like that happens. He will refer me to one if there are too many follicles growing, I think the max is 5...the doctors have no clue how many will get fertilized and how many will implant. He explained to me the additional stress that each pregnancy has on the woman and the baby(ies), it made complete sense and I am not looking to become a reality show. I just want another baby to hold in my arms and love.

I started Norethindrone today...4 more days and I start down regulation (suppress hormones = menopause). Looks out everyone...and you thought the Clomid crazies were bad enough, right? LOL

All about PCOS

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is one of the main causes of infertility in women. It affects anywhere from 5-10% of women between the ages of 20 and 40, making it the most common reproductive syndrome for women of this age group. However, a further 30% of women may have some of the symptoms associated with PCOS although they won’t be diagnosed with the syndrome.
What Is PCOS? Women who suffer from PCOS have cysts (fluid-filled sacs) on their ovaries that prevent the ovaries from performing normally. PCOS affects regular reproductive functions, like the menstrual cycle, as well as fertility. Ovaries of PCOS suffers tend to be from 1.5 to 3 times larger than normal ovaries.
Although PCOS has been recognized as a syndrome for more than 75 years, no one is sure exactly what causes it. Some experts speculate that it may be hereditary but others suspect that there might be a link between PCOS and diabetes. Because so many women who have PCOS also have high insulin levels, this link does not seem unreasonable.
A connection has also been made between the seizure medication, valporate, and PCOS. This particular medication may cause or worsen the symptoms of PCOS. However, doctors are not sure if it is actually the epilepsy that affects PCOS or the valporate, but it is usually recommended to switch seizure medication if you’ve been diagnosed with PCOS.
PCOS Symptoms
While cysts are the most common symptom of PCOS, some doctors will diagnose a woman with PCOS even when cysts aren’t present. In these instances, the diagnosis is based on the presence of other symptoms and hormonal abnormalities.
Symptoms of PCOS include:
Amenorrhea (cessation of period) or infrequent periods - That is ME!
Irregular bleeding - ME again!
Infrequent or no ovulation - Lookie here...we are on a roll!
Cysts on ovaries - ok...getting scary
Increased levels of male hormone, like testosterone - nope
Infertility - yep, Chloe=spontaneous ovulation
Chronic pelvic pain for six months or more - no, but have had pain before Increase in weight or obesity (most women with PCOS are overweight) - nope
Diabetes; over production and inefficient use of insulin by the body - on Metformin now
Lipid abnormalities (high or low cholesterol, high triglycerides) - no idea
High blood pressure - def not, low...
Excess facial and body hair growth - um, I am part Greek, so yes
Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair - nope
Acne, oily skin, or dandruff - um...dry scalp count?
Dark-colored patches of thick skin on neck, groin, underarms or skin folds - no
Skin tags in the armpits or neck. - yes, small ones on my neck
Diagnosing PCOS
PCOS is one of the most under-diagnosed reproductive syndromes in women. Because the symptoms often seem unrelated to each other, doctors may try to treat each problem individually rather than evaluating them together (2 years WASTED!). However, during a pelvic exam, your doctor will be able to feel any cysts that might be on your ovaries. Once these have been identified, a vaginal ultrasound will be performed to help the doctor get a better view of the cysts. PCOS cysts are often referred to as a "string of pearls" because of their resemblance to a pearl necklace. Next, a blood test may be ordered to evaluate your hormone levels as well as your insulin and glucose levels. Tests may also be ordered to measure your cholesterol and triglyceride levels.
Unfortunately, there is no standard criterion for diagnosing PCOS. Some doctors may give a diagnosis once a woman shows a minimum of three PCOS symptoms while others may use exclusion of other problems to narrow it down to PCOS. Regardless, it is important to receive a proper diagnosis in order to receive treatment. Left untreated, PCOS can lead to many health problems including endometrial hyperplasia (excess growth of the endometrial lining), endometrial cancer, Type II diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and heart disease.
PCOS Treatment
Traditionally, doctors have only been able to treat the symptoms of PCOS. Since the cause of PCOS is unknown, there is currently no cure. The birth control pill is often prescribed to help regulate the menstrual cycle as well as reduce the levels of hormones and minimize the appearance of acne. Other medications can also be prescribed to help with blood pressure, cholesterol, hormone levels or cosmetic problems.
Because so many women with PCOS have high insulin levels or their body does not use insulin efficiently, insulin medications are also commonly prescribed. Normalizing insulin levels has been found helpful in regulating periods and promoting ovulation. Women who prefer a more natural way of easing the symptoms of PCOS are frequently recommended to do so through diet and exercise. Maintaining a healthy weight has been shown to help insulin and glucose levels as well as promote fertility. Since PCOS can worsen over the years (although it should improve as you approach menopause), living a healthy lifestyle is one of the best ways to protect yourself.
Surgery is available for PCOS however it is not recommended as a first line of defense. Ovarian drilling is an outpatient, laparoscopic procedure that uses a small needle to puncture the cyst. An electric current is then employed to destroy part of the cyst. Unfortunately, the surgery has a success rate of less than 50% and the long-term effects are not known. Plus, there is the possibility of scar tissue forming or other damage being done to the ovaries, thereby compromising your fertility even more.
PCOS and Pregnancy
While it is possible to become pregnant, women with PCOS tend to suffer a much higher rate of miscarriages. Estimates put the rate of miscarriages in women with PCOS at 45% although some believe the figure may be higher. However, experts aren’t sure why exactly this is. Fertility problems experienced by women with PCOS may be related to the elevated hormone, insulin, or glucose levels, all of which can interfere with implantation as well as development of the embryo. Additionally, abnormal insulin levels may also contribute to poor egg quality, making conception more difficult.
Stabilizing hormone levels can help fertility by promoting ovulation. Some doctors may also prescribe ovulation medications, such as Clomid, to encourage ovulation. If you are thinking of conceiving, be sure to discuss the issue with your doctor. Not all of the medications used to help PCOS sufferers are safe to use during pregnancy and may need to be discontinued.
Although getting pregnant can be problematic for women with PCOS, many have found it easier to get pregnant the second time around (No, not true...). Additionally, some women have found that their menstrual cycles regulate themselves after a pregnancy (yea...not true again!). Following a healthy diet and exercising regularly will also help to promote fertility. Tried that over the last 3 years...didn't work for me...:(
http://www.fertilityfactor.com/infertility_PCOS.html