Wednesday, April 28, 2010

And the side effects begin!

I am sitting here doing nothing.  Typing on the computer, yet I am burning up.  Can you say HOT FLASH anyone?  Baaahhhh....much worse than Clomid.  Also, I am feeling less emotional (much less) than normal.  The last 3 years have been hard, wondering why this is happening to me, and the tears are not usually far.  But today?  Nope, no tears in sight...well, except after reading some not so good news from a friend from iVillage that is going through a similar situation that I am.  But other than that, I feel like a robot.  I will have to look it up and see if that is a side effect. 

Something else that has been on my mind is WHY?  What did I do or not do to deserve this?  I know that God has a plan, but why do I have to suffer like this?  How come so many other people get what they desire?  I know that I am not a horrible person, so what would the reason be for not blessing me with another child?  Do I just have to let go and try not to worry about all of this TTC stuff?  How can I not worry when I have to wake up early to take a pill and inject myself with drugs?  Aaarrrgh...tears in my eyes now.  I hate crying. 

The next couple of weeks are going to be extremely hard.  Especially if this cycle doesn't work.  I am trying to put all of the worrying and what ifs out of my mind during the day, it is helping a little, but my mind always drifts back...

I feel as if my time is running out.  I know I am not "old", but I didn't want all this space in between Chloe and her brother or sister.  Chloe is such a great kid, I want to bring another child into this world so they can share experiences with her.  Oh, something she started saying recently...she thinks that when I do get pregnant again that there will be a boy AND a girl in there.  Couldn't figure out where she got that until I sat and watched Dora with her today (Dora's younger sibling are boy girl twins).  Chloe is a funny kid... 

All I have left to say is that no woman in this world should have to experience this. It is heart wrenching. I can't describe it to someone that has never experienced infertility....I feel as if I am broken and I can't even be a real woman anymore. I feel alone and I feel desperation, jealousy, embarassment, hopelessness, and many other words that are escaping me right now. 

On that note it is Wednesday.  Girls night.  Hope to get my mind off of my mess for a little while...;) 


  1. I have been where you are. I cried so many tears and wondered why so many times. And the age gap issue. Always at the back of my mind. Hang in there!!!

    (My son is 11, my IVF/ICSI daughter just turn 2; and they have a great relationship!)

  2. Hang in there, girl!!

  3. Aw hon I am so sorry... hugs to you ((((((((((((((hug))))))))))) love ya!