32 weeks

How far along: 32 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 25 pounds at last appointment. Next appt on Wed.  I know I have gained a bit more (at least 5lbs).

Maternity clothes: Definitely. And they are great!

Stretch marks: No new ones.

Sleep: Getting up a lot at night now.

Movement: Pretty much any time now. Love it when I am standing and can feel it well above the belly button.

Cravings: Still having salty cravings...pickles, olives, etc.
Gender: Surprise...so exciting to do it this way!!!

Symptoms: Swelling, definitely (almost to the point of hurting now). No more rings for me!  Constipation, heartburn at weird times (after drinking water yesterday??)

What I miss: Not a whole lot...minus sushi.  DH came back from a 3 week working vacation and told me all about the sushi.  Jerk...:)

What I look forward to: Meeting this little miracle.

Moods: Feeling good! And a bit tired...

Milestones: And yet another week down!

Medical Concerns: I think the swelling might start to be a concern, my blood pressure read a little high last weekend at drill (140-something over 90 or 100 something when usually it is 110 over 60, I will be sure to mention that at my appt Wed), I was standing at work the other day and saw stars (more like black floaters) and I have had a few dull headaches off and on, and I have had a few heart palpitations in the last few days also. 
Weekly Wisdom: Eh, not much wisdom this week...LOL
Best moment this week: Meeting DH at the airport yesterday with DD. 
Worst moment this week: Probably would have to be the floater thingies that I saw.  That was a bit concerning. 

Emotions....

I think back about 6 years and I laugh.  I was an emotional basketcase when I was pregnant with DD.  Seriously, DH went to the wrong grocery store and I broke down and sobbed.  I think about the look on his face and I laugh (now). 

This time around?  Things are a bit different, not as emotional during this pregnancy (although certain songs will come on the radio on my way to work and I will get weepy...and I don't listen to weepy music).  makes me wonder who is growing in there...boy?  Girl?  If things go as they did for DD we will know in about 6 weeks...that scares me as I am not ready at all.  Furniture is still on order (8-12 weeks from when I was 26 weeks?!?!?!?!?), baby's room is still a wreck (need to move some boxes and non-baby items out of there), and I am just not as prepared as I was with DD.  Amazing how different everything this time around is.

Lifting up my water glass....Here's to 32 weeks!!!

31 weeks...

How far along: 31 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 25 pounds.  At my appt last week my OB was pretty shocked that I gained 11lbs in 2 weeks, but I have been fluctuating a bit so really it is only 7lbs in 7 weeks...that's what he said and he is looking at that pretty close I guess.  Eh, I knew it would start to creep on!

Maternity clothes: Definitely.  And they are great!

Stretch marks: No new ones.

Sleep: Been doing ok with sleep.  Minus the fact that DD thinks it is ok to make her way to my bed in the middle of the night...:)

Movement: Pretty much any time now.  Love it when I am standing and can feel it well above the belly button...

Cravings: This pregnancy doesn't really have me craving certain things...well, I am not craving sweets like I was with DD, so wondering if DH's grandma is right (about this one being a boy)?
Gender: Surprise...so exciting to do it this way!!!
Symptoms: Swelling, definitely (almost to the point of hurting now).  No more rings for me!
What I miss: Not a whole lot.

What I look forward to: Meeting this little miracle.

Moods: Feeling good!  And a bit tired...

Milestones: Another week down!

Medical Concerns: I think the swelling might start to be a concern, but my blood pressure has been ok (minus at my military physical for the reserves this weekend, it was a bit high then). 
Weekly Wisdom:  Mid-calf military boots are not a pregnant woman's best friend.  I will take a pic in a few weeks when I have reserve duty again and post them on here.  It was disgusting to see how bad my calves swelled up!
Best moment this week:  Friday will be awesome as DH comes back from being overseas for about 3 weeks...
Worst moment this week:  Haven't had a worst moment.  Hoping not to!

The bitterness is still there...

I have been slacking this week with ICLW, I hope that I have made some of it up today though.  I did come across a blog of a fellow IFer that talked about bitterness. 

I have been bitter for years.  Pretty much my whole marriage (going on 12 years now), not because of my marriage though, because of all of the IF that I have had to come to terms with.  I remember reading on another blog about women that were IFers having children and others considering them to not suffer from IF anymore.  HA!  I don't think so.  I have dealt with this IF stuff for so many years...PLUS I had to convince my new OB (back in 2007) that there was something wrong with me, he didn't think so as I already had a child (conceived and carried to term by pure miracle as I have PCOS and it is so severe that I was told that I would never bear children without lots of help, heck even my IF doc was astonished).  So does the bitterness go away?  Well, it hasn't for me.  To get to the point I am at now took a lot, a lot of $$$, a lot of patience (which I am short on these days), and a lot of trust.  I think the bitterness will always be there....lurking....

Do I still consider myself as suffering from infertility?  Yes.  I have always been and will always be infertile.  Just because I have a child doesn't mean that I am not an infertile.  I have actually had to define infertility and secondary infertility to people (LOL, even my OB!) as many people that have never dealt with IF have no clue.  And yes, I am that gal that puts it all out on the table..."relax and it'll happen" seriously???  I am so open with people, so they think they can try to give advice on stuff they have no clue about (LOL, maybe I shouldn't be as open??).  Relaxing isn't going to force Metformin into me so I can lower my chances at m/c IF I can ever get pregnant again, relaxing isn't going to put me into menopause so my ovaries calm down, relaxing isn't going to shove that needle in my belly 3 times a day until my follie scans show something happening, relaxing isn't going to do anything for someone like me.

Yes, I have been lucky, lucky in the sense that I finally found a doc that would listen and could help me with the issues that were preventing my body from working correctly.  I know I have said this before, but that doc is my hero.  He was so positive about things (well, other than calling me an anomaly when I overstimmed on Gonal-f so bad that they though I was going to get a severe case of OHSS). 

And now?  Now I feel myself getting a bit more confident about this pregnancy and having miracle baby #2, confident that I will conquer that IF battle once more.

Fun times....

Thursday already?  I have so much to do before DH gets home (out of town for the military until next Friday).  I was supposed to have the spare room cleared out before he gets back (small items that are junking up the baby's room).  Yea, with the way that I have been feeling (sore..."down there"...like I rode a horse for days and days, I asked the doc and he said it is normal to feel pelvic bones move earlier in 2nd or later pregnancies) and all the sleeping I have been doing, I haven't done much at all.  I did move some stuff around in there and now it looks much worse.  LOL  Oh, and I did some laundry (yuck) and the dishes, yay me!

On a positive note, one of my IF/PAL friends (a real life friend) had her little girl a few days ago.  She was only 38 weeks, but that little girl was weighing in on ultrasounds at over 9lbs.  So they scheduled an induction and her little one was born at 8lbs 14oz.  I can't imagine how big she would have been if my friend didn't have her that early!  Wow!

I haven't posted my 30 week update...not much going on though, just the pelvic bone pain, OB appt yesterday was good, measuring right on track, heart beat was 138bpm, blood pressure is good and I have minimal swelling, no more rings for me...:)...uh, but I gained a bit of weight (to be expected).  I had lost some while in the hospital and during my sickness, I blame the weight loss on the fact that all I ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner was chicken noodle soup.  As of right now I have gained 24lbs (remembering that I had gained quite a bit before getting pregnant these last few years on all the IF drugs, my guesstimate is about 15lbs).  So the doc is happy with the weight gain, but honestly I thave always thought that my body will gain what it "needs" to in order to sustain a pregnancy.  I won't be dieting while pregnant, if I am hungry I will eat!  LOL.  I will watch my juice, hot chocolate, and empty calorie intake though...

Glad this week is almost over...:)

Twenty-six

I saw this on another blog and just had to do it...:)  Found it on AP's blog, and I figured it would be a great way for other bloggers (and my few in real life friend followers) to learn a bit more about me...:)


Twenty-Six

Age: 32.
Blog Title Inspiration: Uh, well...I was going a bit mad with dealing with IF the first time around and this SIF mess was a bit worse.  So my OB pretty much told me it would happen again with time...LOL.  Funny guy.
Chore You Hate: Putting away the clean laundry.
Day at the Beach or Cozy Rainy Day?  Definitely a day at the beach.
Essential Start Your Day Item:  Well, it used to be coffee until I decided to quit.  Then when I was finally referrred back to the OB from the IF doc, I was told NO CAFFEINE.  So glad I quit or I would have been mad.
Favorite Color:  Almost any shade of green.
Gold or Silver?  Silver.
Height: 5'9"-ish.
Instruments You Play:  Played the piano when I was younger. 
Job Title:  Senior engineering technician.
Kids:  We have a 5 (and a half) year old little girl.  Our unmedicated miracle (even the IF doc was astonished that we got (and stayed) pregnant with her.
Live:  In the great white north (Minnesota), hoping one day in the next 2 or 3 years to live overseas again though! 
Mom's Name:  Carolyn although she goes by Nina.
Book Currently on Your Nightstand:  None.  Don't have time to read books.  I do read lots of books on airplanes though (I never sleep on airplanes, no matter how long the flight so books are great for keeping me busy so I don't go stir crazy).
Nicknames:  Monkey.
Overnight Hospital Stays?  I have had a few.  Once for tonsils when I was a kid, stayed in hospital when I had DD, and most recently 2 nights in the hospital for an insanely high heart rate and pneumonia (community acquired).  Lovely. 
Pet Peeve:  People who make stupid comments about things they don't know about.  Example:  Infertility.
Quote from a Movie:  I am not the movie quote type of person at all!
Right or Left Handed? Right.
Siblings:  A younger brother and 2 older stepsisters.
Time You Wake Up?  Whenever DD gets me up (I work afternoons).
Underwear:  At the present moment?  Maternity underwear.  One of my friends couldn't believe I wear them (she didn't when pregnant)...but I grow so big my non-maternity ones cut into my belly and legs...:(
Vegetable You Dislike:  I like them all!  Really...I do.
What Makes You Run Late:  Usually DD...LOL
Yummy Food You Make:  Spanakopita...although I have changed my recipe a little and I am not sure I like it as much.
Zoo, Favorite Animal:  Monkeys.

Welcome ICLW-ers!

I am Erica, this blog has been a great outlet for me, and also a great place to meet fellow IFers and "talk" about our struggles (I really don't have anyone in my real life that understands).  This struggle has opened up my eyes, opened my eyes to life, trust, and in the end....hope. 

I have my journey posted on the left side of this blog, but this is a post that is a bit more in-depth.

I started this blog well into my journey, DH and I have been dealing with IF since we were married almost 12 years ago (nope, never been on birth control).  A miracle happened right around our 5 year anniversary though, we found out we were pregnant.  I had lost 35lbs on a great workout plan (Body for Life by Bill Phillips) and I guess my body finally decided to work correctly and drop an egg.  That pregnancy was great, no issues at all (except for an insane amount of weight gain, my midwife told me to stop eating how I was eating and I ballooned up...total gain was a bit more than 70lbs).  We now have a 5.5 year old little girl.  A true miracle as I was told we would never have kids (then 5 years later I was told I would need to see an IF doctor, then we ended up pregnant on our own 3 years after that).

This struggle has made me into who I am now (although the last few years I have felt detached from real life friends as the support just hasn't been there, but how are they supposed to know what I need anyway?). 

Currently I am 30 weeks pregnant.  Things are different this time around though.  With DD I was told I wouldn't get pregnant and then I was told it would take a lot of doctor intervention.  When I ended up pregnant on my own and had that little girl I trusted that it would happen naturally again and I was told it would be easier to get pregnant the 2nd time around...HAHAHAHA.  Not the case here people. 

We moved to another state about a year and a half after DD was born, we really started trying around the time she was 2 (never prevented though).  My new OB thought I was crazy, and since I already had a child then it would happen in time.  Not so much.  So after many tests that showed everything normal and 4 cycles of unmonitored Clomid and a horrible miscarriage, I asked to be sent to an IF doctor.  My IF doc (my hero) diagnosed me with PCOS.  I didn't have any of the so-called outward symptoms (never have), normal weight, no hair loss, no facial hair, etc.  But what I did have was polycystic ovaries and abnormal periods.  He tested my insulin levels and put me on 1500mg of Metformin a day (along with BCP for a month).  I did another 2 cycles of Clomid (monitored) and never produced any mature follies.  We did a cycle of injectables (IVF med protocol) and I overstimmed on such a low dose of Gonal-f that we had the IVF chat, the doc told me that I am an anomaly (as normal women on the dose I was on produce 2 or 3 follies when I produced almost 20). 

We did another cycle on a lower dosage of Gonal-f and I ended up producing 2 follies.  I was skeptical that anything would work for me, and I was scared as it was 1 year after my miscarriage, I tried to have faith but in all these years I have lost a lot of faith, but 11 days later I got that +hpt.  I cannot describe the fear that entered my life at that moment or the fear from the severe blood loss at 13 weeks pregnant from 2 subchorionic hemorrhages.  After having a "normal" pregnancy with DD, the loss I experienced in Sept of '09 and my current pregnancy have opened my eyes to the many things that could potentially happen in pregnancy. 

Something that I am still struggling with is that it has been extremely hard for me to go from being barren for so many years to having this little one growing inside of me.  It is hard for me not to get emotional (eyes are watery right now) when thinking about battling though all of this mess, and in the end getting what we have wished for...holding that little one in my arms...