Monday, August 22, 2011

Couldn't stay gone long.

Broken record, so please skip over this blog entry if you are sick of my SIF madness posts...I will be the first to admit that I struggle almost daily with thoughts about infertility (or loss, preemies, or general mom stuff), thankfully I have beat IF twice, but my whole life has been affected by PCOS. 

So I had made up my mind to take a break.  A break from FB, a break from this blog, a break from all things online.  Well, it really didn't happen.  I made it 18 hours and reactivated my FB account!  But those 18 hours?  I didn't sit and wonder about what was going on in FB-land, I had more time to clean around the house, more time to hang with my little dude, my DD,and DH, and I had more time to cook <-- which I don't do a lot of, regretfully.     

During the break (and times I am not glued to the screen) I did a lot of thinking and I am still torn.  I have been extremely lucky in life (luck, chance, blessed, etc) and I am thankful for the miracles that I have sleeping soundly in their beds at night.  But alas...there is that feeling that I thought would completely subside once I held baby #2 in my arms (I now think once an IF-er always an IF-er), I have the feeling that my family *might* not yet be complete (which if I were "normal " would have been complete years ago).  With that feeling come a lot of other emotions, along with the thoughts of another miscarriage, multiple gestations (gladly welcomed but not by my fertility doctor), the IVF drug protocol (with TI) not working this time and having to make that decision - IVF or be happy with not feeling our family is complete.  I gladly welcome the weight gain from the drugs (although I still have 15+ pounds to drop before I go back to the RE), I welcome the crazy emotional rollercoaster that comes with Lupron, BCP, Gonal-f, trigger, and progesterone (I thought Clomid was bad - these drugs definitely take the cake), I welcome the feeling that I am pregnant once I start progesterone, but I am not sure about the rest of what could happen.

DD was a completely normal pregnancy, minus the changing my EDD by 3 weeks thing (should have been a hint that there might be something wrong - not going with a midwife again after my issues), but with Trey things were different.  That little 3 pounder changed me, changed the way that I look at life, changed the way that I look at my kids, heck - the whole experience changed me.  I fear pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome, but I have hope.  Hope that a different drug protocol with help to keep those things from happening again, hope that I will be with a much different doctor (you are fired Mr. OB that doesn't believe anything I say whether it be IF/SIF or that there is something wrong in my pregnancy), hope that I will have a viable pregnancy and it won't take yet another 5 years.

How will I "know"?  That is my dilemma.  I don't "know" if my family is complete.  I mean why would I stop trying once I know what has a huge possibility of getting me another miracle? 

On that note, DH and I have to have a discussion about all of this.  Now that T. is out of his crazy preemie stage I think DH will be ok to talk about our future and if adding to our family again is something we can both agree on. 

No comments:

Post a Comment