Losers with lice

So...I thought "dirty" people got lice.  Wrong!

The other day DD came up to me and said her head was itchy.  I almost brushed it off to mosquito bites as we had been outside the night before and all of us had been feasted on.  So I lifted her hair and exclaimed, "What the heck are those brown dots?"  About 3 seconds later I figured it out.  After we both freaked out for about 10 minutes I decided to wake the baby up and get to Walgreen's to buy some lice stuff.  I had no clue what to buy.  I bought Rid and did both of us.  The problem with doing yourself is that I couldn't use that special brush.  Anyway, I spent 3+ hours on DD's hair (the whole time asking her if I could just cut it really short - in which she replied "I would rather not look like a boy Mom.") 

The rest of that day was spent washing, vacuuming, washing more, and trying not to freak out.  We had a picnic and a birthday party to attend, neither of which either one of us got too close to anyone.  The next day, I spent another few hours in her hair, finding tiny eggs....shudder....and the day went on, more laundry, vacuuming, etc.  LAter in the evening I felt an itch.  On my scalp.  I thought I had avoided it....nope.  Must have some in my hair from all the laundry...:(  Freaked out again, called a friend, and she spent the evening and the whole next day helping me out with my hair and the house. 

Lice are no joke.  Hoping that we don't have a re-infestation.  Especially since I have to work...don't want to introduce them there...but I bet I already have, unknowingly. 

I think I am going home tonight after work and dousing my head with olive oil. 

Couldn't stay gone long.

Broken record, so please skip over this blog entry if you are sick of my SIF madness posts...I will be the first to admit that I struggle almost daily with thoughts about infertility (or loss, preemies, or general mom stuff), thankfully I have beat IF twice, but my whole life has been affected by PCOS. 

So I had made up my mind to take a break.  A break from FB, a break from this blog, a break from all things online.  Well, it really didn't happen.  I made it 18 hours and reactivated my FB account!  But those 18 hours?  I didn't sit and wonder about what was going on in FB-land, I had more time to clean around the house, more time to hang with my little dude, my DD,and DH, and I had more time to cook <-- which I don't do a lot of, regretfully.     

During the break (and times I am not glued to the screen) I did a lot of thinking and I am still torn.  I have been extremely lucky in life (luck, chance, blessed, etc) and I am thankful for the miracles that I have sleeping soundly in their beds at night.  But alas...there is that feeling that I thought would completely subside once I held baby #2 in my arms (I now think once an IF-er always an IF-er), I have the feeling that my family *might* not yet be complete (which if I were "normal " would have been complete years ago).  With that feeling come a lot of other emotions, along with the thoughts of another miscarriage, multiple gestations (gladly welcomed but not by my fertility doctor), the IVF drug protocol (with TI) not working this time and having to make that decision - IVF or be happy with not feeling our family is complete.  I gladly welcome the weight gain from the drugs (although I still have 15+ pounds to drop before I go back to the RE), I welcome the crazy emotional rollercoaster that comes with Lupron, BCP, Gonal-f, trigger, and progesterone (I thought Clomid was bad - these drugs definitely take the cake), I welcome the feeling that I am pregnant once I start progesterone, but I am not sure about the rest of what could happen.

DD was a completely normal pregnancy, minus the changing my EDD by 3 weeks thing (should have been a hint that there might be something wrong - not going with a midwife again after my issues), but with Trey things were different.  That little 3 pounder changed me, changed the way that I look at life, changed the way that I look at my kids, heck - the whole experience changed me.  I fear pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome, but I have hope.  Hope that a different drug protocol with help to keep those things from happening again, hope that I will be with a much different doctor (you are fired Mr. OB that doesn't believe anything I say whether it be IF/SIF or that there is something wrong in my pregnancy), hope that I will have a viable pregnancy and it won't take yet another 5 years.

How will I "know"?  That is my dilemma.  I don't "know" if my family is complete.  I mean why would I stop trying once I know what has a huge possibility of getting me another miracle? 

On that note, DH and I have to have a discussion about all of this.  Now that T. is out of his crazy preemie stage I think DH will be ok to talk about our future and if adding to our family again is something we can both agree on. 

Break.

Things are going great, T is a wonderful almost 5 month old little boy, my career couldn't be better, my marriage is wonderful, DD is about to start 1st grade, etc.  But other things in my life are wearing me down, it is looking like I have been portraying myself in a way that I wasn't meaning to.  I am really not bitter, at least not now, now I see things differently.  My journey has made me into who I am, not just my TTC journey, but every experience in my adult life has had an effect and I have learned a lot.   

I am taking a break, not just from here, but from message boards also.  This blog has been an outstanding outlet for me, I have gotten a lot of things out there that were having an effect on my life.  If things work out to where DH and I go back to the RE, I will definitely be coming back to post regularly.   

August...already?

I can't believe it is already August.  I had told myself we would go back to the IF doc in July....nope.  I think we will wait at least until after the new year, give my body time to get semi-normal again.  We are still deciding as a family what we want to do, hard decision as with 2 small kids at home I am not sure I can work at all.  Although I work at a place that has been extremely flexible with my hours lately.

I will make Trey's 6 month appointment in the next few weeks, hoping that we will be able to start solids after that appointment.  And this time it will all be homemade (minus the occasional jar of organic food on-the-go).  I plan to start making foods and freezing then right after his appointment.  I also think I want to try to make his rice cereal (I will be using brown rice though). 

I may even start up a new blog.  We'll see.