Welcome ICLW-ers!

I am Erica, this blog has been a great outlet for me, and also a great place to meet fellow IFers and "talk" about our struggles (I really don't have anyone in my real life that understands).  This struggle has opened up my eyes, opened my eyes to life, trust, and in the end....hope. 

I have my journey posted on the left side of this blog, but this is a post that is a bit more in-depth.

I started this blog well into my journey, DH and I have been dealing with IF since we were married almost 12 years ago (nope, never been on birth control).  A miracle happened right around our 5 year anniversary though, we found out we were pregnant.  I had lost 35lbs on a great workout plan (Body for Life by Bill Phillips) and I guess my body finally decided to work correctly and drop an egg.  That pregnancy was great, no issues at all (except for an insane amount of weight gain, my midwife told me to stop eating how I was eating and I ballooned up...total gain was a bit more than 70lbs).  We now have a 5.5 year old little girl.  A true miracle as I was told we would never have kids (then 5 years later I was told I would need to see an IF doctor, then we ended up pregnant on our own 3 years after that).

This struggle has made me into who I am now (although the last few years I have felt detached from real life friends as the support just hasn't been there, but how are they supposed to know what I need anyway?). 

Currently I am 30 weeks pregnant.  Things are different this time around though.  With DD I was told I wouldn't get pregnant and then I was told it would take a lot of doctor intervention.  When I ended up pregnant on my own and had that little girl I trusted that it would happen naturally again and I was told it would be easier to get pregnant the 2nd time around...HAHAHAHA.  Not the case here people. 

We moved to another state about a year and a half after DD was born, we really started trying around the time she was 2 (never prevented though).  My new OB thought I was crazy, and since I already had a child then it would happen in time.  Not so much.  So after many tests that showed everything normal and 4 cycles of unmonitored Clomid and a horrible miscarriage, I asked to be sent to an IF doctor.  My IF doc (my hero) diagnosed me with PCOS.  I didn't have any of the so-called outward symptoms (never have), normal weight, no hair loss, no facial hair, etc.  But what I did have was polycystic ovaries and abnormal periods.  He tested my insulin levels and put me on 1500mg of Metformin a day (along with BCP for a month).  I did another 2 cycles of Clomid (monitored) and never produced any mature follies.  We did a cycle of injectables (IVF med protocol) and I overstimmed on such a low dose of Gonal-f that we had the IVF chat, the doc told me that I am an anomaly (as normal women on the dose I was on produce 2 or 3 follies when I produced almost 20). 

We did another cycle on a lower dosage of Gonal-f and I ended up producing 2 follies.  I was skeptical that anything would work for me, and I was scared as it was 1 year after my miscarriage, I tried to have faith but in all these years I have lost a lot of faith, but 11 days later I got that +hpt.  I cannot describe the fear that entered my life at that moment or the fear from the severe blood loss at 13 weeks pregnant from 2 subchorionic hemorrhages.  After having a "normal" pregnancy with DD, the loss I experienced in Sept of '09 and my current pregnancy have opened my eyes to the many things that could potentially happen in pregnancy. 

Something that I am still struggling with is that it has been extremely hard for me to go from being barren for so many years to having this little one growing inside of me.  It is hard for me not to get emotional (eyes are watery right now) when thinking about battling though all of this mess, and in the end getting what we have wished for...holding that little one in my arms...