Thursday, December 23, 2010


Holidays have been rough for me the last 10 or so didn't get really bad until all of our friends started having kids though.  Once we did end up pg with DD I didn't have the fears that I have now.  Now I fear loss (do you ever not fear loss after IF and/or loss though???), I fear the unknown, and a big fear is what if this treatment doesn't work again?  I know we could scrape up the money for IVF, but we would only have one or two shots at it, and that would be after waiting a year to save the money again.

I am so thankful for what I have (but as I have stated in other blog posts, I know that my family is not complete, I have known that since DD was less than a year old), but why can't everyone that wants children have their dreams come true?  That is something that will always bother me.  How are some people uber lucky and have one or two or five kids, yet others that would be just as good as parents, sit with empty arms? 

I have had so many people tell me that maybe it isn't in His plan for me to have another child, but those are usually the people that have never been through what so many of us IFers have.  Suffering from IF for so long I finally realized that I just had to let go, and letting go was the hardest thing that I have ever done.  But at the same time I felt from the stresses of IF, free from the worry...but are we ever truly free?  I know I will be right back in the same IF mess when this little one is born.  My RE told me at my last appointment, "Whenever you are ready, you come back and see me and we'll get started working on baby #3 for you...".  I can't imagine having any other RE, he is my hero, my Santa, he saved me from that deep depression, that downward spiral that was becoming my life...


  1. Awww :( enjoy this holiday with charlie kickin away. He/she is a blessing :) Happy Holidays, love.

  2. My OB was my hero! Seriously - the first time I met him, after fighting 5 years through secondary infertility ... he said "we're going to get you another baby" ... I think I fell in love with him. LOL.. He helped me get 3 babies, and watched me suffer through 9 of my 14 miscarriages.

    Oh and I was CONSTANTLY worried I'd lose the baby, or something would happen .... or ... something. I would go through stages in my pregnant where were my fears would start easing up - but they never went away until I was hold the baby ... but then a whole new set of fears settled in! LOL

    Happy ICLW from #37 and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

  3. You know, I often think about just what you mentioned in this post- why are there so many potentially great parents out there who don't (yet) have the child they want? It just seems so wrong- like the universe messing up.

    I feel so lucky to have the wonderful little girl I have.

    ICLW #28

  4. I agree with you on many accounts:
    1. I think our hearts know when we are "done" having children.
    2. It doesn't seem "fair" or "right" that many people get pregnant so easily (and have "oops" pregnancies) while there are thousands of others TRYING to get pregnant with no success.
    3. I always struggle when people say God doesn't plan for me to have another child. The Christian in me was raised to be patient and wait for things to work out in His time. However, much of me just can't fathom Him NOT wanting DH and I to have a 2nd child? I don't get it.

    YAY for an amazing OB. Merry Christmas to you and your family! :)

  5. I think you're right - no matter where you get to with your IF journey (up to and including the birth of your little one), you never get past that sense of loss. I think it will always stick with you.

    Many congrats to you on your little one! I pray everything works out just fine and you have far less trouble getting pg with baby #3 :D