Wednesday, April 14, 2010

One month and a day...

One of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my life is the loss of my second pregnancy. May 15th. That was the date I was due. That date is creeping up quick. And I had high hopes that I would be pregnant again by then.

Forgot to mention that I helped a friend who is pregnant with her registry at Babies R Us. That was pretty hard. Hard not to stare at the big bellies walking by, hard not to tear up when I hear the couples talking about the right car seat, hard not to scream when walking by all the cribs and glider rockers. After being in the store 5 minutes I realized that I would have to go through the motions but be in another place at the same time. It worked. Of course I bet I looked like a unemotional witch, but hey...whatever works, right? I am dreading that baby shower, the pregnant gal that I went shopping with will be having one and I don't know how I will be able to do it. I haven't been to a baby shower in over 2 years, and that one was hard then. Can't even imagine going to one now.

That is how I have felt for a couple years...going through the motions...hoping for another surprise like Chloe. Something has been weighing heavy on my mind for a while now. Normal people love weekends, I am ok with them until Sunday. Going to church is great, but I feel like I am just going through the motions there also. Why me? Why do I have all these issues and everyone else I know can get pregnant? Why hasn't God answered the prayers? What else can I do? I am trying not to be mad at God, but that is a losing battle these days.

At what point should I just give up? That question has messed up so many years of trying to get pregnant. I have given up so many times...I can't even count them.

Oh, and thank you infertility, Clomid, and all the other drugs and hormones I have been on for the extra 15 pounds on my butt. It is lovely.

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