Monday, June 20, 2011

You’re a Mom, you’re not infertile anymore!

Ummm...yea.  A total myth.  Now I know we all have our own opinions about so many things in life, but secondary infertility is a real thing.  Sure, I know what it feels like to have a baby, but that doesn't mean that SIF doesn't affect me...heck, I have suffered from both primary IF and SIF and both suck.  What got me thinking about this?  A blog.  Yea, I let it get to me.  This is the 2nd time that I have read a blog about this subject.  I stopped following more than a few blogs because of how I have been feeling about this.

I have run into this on a few infertility blogs that I frequent, I don’t comment as I will probably just upset someone (although I did comment on one blog after I saw someone bashing women like me, women that can't get pregnant naturally and my post never showed up). Secondary infertility is a real thing. And you know what? It ain’t any better the 2nd time around as I suffered from primary IF also.

So many times I heard the stories…you know the ones. Stories about couples that “gave up trying” and ended up pregnant. Or the couple that was about to have IVF and found out they were pregnant. Or how about the one of a couple that tried Clomid and it didn’t work, only to fall pregnant shortly after stopping treatment. And my FAV – the couple that was in the process of adopting or had a new adopted baby in the home and then they got pregnant. Yea, totally not me.

I think that IF is different for everyone. One couple may struggle for a year, another couple may struggle for 10 years, I think that IF is IF. We all have our struggles and I can’t say that I know exactly how one of my bloggie IF friends feels, just as they can’t say the same about me. IF, loss, cycle failures…all infertiles experience so many things in IF-land...

So if I have to resort to extreme measures that isn't infertility?  Eh. 

Infertility is not cured, it is not a disease, it is something that is permanent. Eight years after being told I would never have kids I saw those 2 lines…and my life changed forever. But when I went to a new OB after TTC for a few years after DD was born, that OB told me I just needed time, and he had no clue what secondary infertility was. So many people (obviously even doctors) think that a woman can’t be infertile if they already have a child…a few years after my OB agreed to refer me to an RE, and then I was diagnosed with secondary infertility. 

Yep, I am a mom, became one for the first time almost 6 years ago. I count myself lucky as I was told for years that I would never get pregnant, and 8 years later I ended up pregnant with DD. So then I was finally a mom. But then what? I can’t be infertile as I have a child, right? So was my infertility behind me?  So many doctors and nurses tried to tell me that I would be the most fertile after DD weas, not so much.  I will always be an infertile, and nope, my infertility is not behind me. It has already started and Trey is 3 months old…no AF in sight (nope, not breastfeeding, no milk here!)…headed back to the RE soon to see what our options are. He will be changing my meds due to the severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome and I am pretty curious as to what the next steps will be.

Infertility has permanently changed the person that I am. No matter what, infertility hurts and for me that hurt will never go away. I can’t have that conversation and know that IF won’t be a HUGE factor…you know the one, the one that goes like this “How many kids do you want to have, and when are you going to start trying?” So many people I know would answer that with “We are DONE!” Or “DH is having a vasectomy!” Or “We want to wait until baby is XX months old so we can have them spaced out perfectly.” GAG! To have that luxury…

It has been extremely hard for me to have “normal” conversations with friends. Well, I can’t. I sit and nod in agreement, but in all honesty I don’t have many people I can have an IF conversation with. No IRL friends. I have unloaded on so many people IRL, and thankfully they are good listeners as I really needed someone to listen to me. Sure, there are many people my age that struggle to get pregnant a 2nd time, but it doesn’t help me to hear that it took so-and-so 7 months and so-and-so almost a year to get pregnant with her 2nd. It isn’t IF until it has been a year of TTC. I have a few bloggy friends and message board friends that can relate to this IF journey. So many of my IRL friends don’t know about the 3 shots a day I was taking, the busted blood vessels from those darn needles, they don’t know about the hot flashes from being in menopause, or the hopeful look on the nurses face the first time I actually had follies growing, and then the utter disappointment to find that I had overstimulated, what about the fact that if we had to go a step further and go for more expensive treatments? We couldn’t afford it. But we would have done it anyway.

So...on that note...Once an infertile, always an infertile.

Rant over.  Won't write about this again as it would be a waste of my time.  I will comment on comments though...I welcome the do you feel about this?


  1. There are so many different kinds of ways for infertility to SUCK - I wish people wouldn't compare them. I didn't have primary infertility, though I was always totally terrified it would happen to me. I always found it hard to take the dismissive comments about SIF. When you want a baby more than anything, it doesn't matter if it's baby #1, #2, or #6 - it's heartbreaking.

  2. Thank you for this. I googled "secondary infertility blog" today looking for someone who understands. I feel weird on message boards. My twin boys - conceived without treatments after just 6 months of TTC - are turning 5, and my DH and I have been trying to give them a sibling since they turned 3. I am feeling scared and angry. Thanks for getting it, and I hope your journey to #3 is a quick one.

  3. Anonymous - Yea...I totally get it. Message boards are hard, I always felt like I was the odd person out. Even now, gals are talking about birth control...I laugh at that. I hope that you can get some answers soon, I had someone finally tell me that I should get a referral to an fertility doc and I am so glad that I did!

  4. Erica, I SOOOOOO relate to this post! It is difficult to relate to IRL friends and family who don't understand or think about how IF/SIF impacts people's lives.

    I definitely agree with your quote, "once an infertile, always an infertile." It doesn't matter how many children a woman/couple experiencing infertility are able to have the IF is always there.

  5. It's very true and people can be so insensitive towards women dealing with SIF because all they are thinking is "at least you have one already"... is it so wrong that I want to have more? It kills me that I haven't been able to have another baby, it might hurt more because I know what I'm missing!

  6. YummyMummy - Exactly. I longed for a baby when I was dealing with primary IF, and having to deal with SIF (and having people tell me there was nothing wrong) about killed me!