Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Coming to terms with...

Something I have thought about for quite awhile is that infertility is not cured by pregnancy. I frequent many blogs dealing with infertility and pregnancy after infertility, one of the infertility blogs stated that if you have ever been pregnant or had a child you are not infertile. Really? That boiled my blood. Something else that I saw on a infertility blog that suprised me is that there are many people out there (my OB included) that believed that since I have a child I could not be infertile. Hummm....yea, no. I am definitely infertile.


As many people know, we struggled to become pregnant with Chloe (heck, many don't know that I guess). I was told I would never get pregnant when I was 19, then at 23 after trying for 2 years we were told a fertility doc would be the only way and there weren't any of those docs overseas). After giving up until we could be stationed back in the US, we found out we were pregnant over 3 years later. After giving birth I was told to get on the pill, I didn't because we wanted another child. The docs kept saying we needed to get on the pill or I would get pregnant again right away (yea, that was what I was going for!), and I sit and laugh at those docs...how wrong they were. That is when the bitterness started to set in. Bitter towards the doctors, bitter towards my body, bitter towards pregnant women, bitter towards women that took less than a year to get pregnant, and just plain bitter. Infertility definitely changed me.

I say infertility is not cured by pregnancy because I know firsthand how quickly this baby can be taken from me and how many drugs and how much time it will take to get me to this point again. There is this fear that I feel all the time. The fear of loss. The fear of something happening and I would have another little one in heaven. The fear of this not working again after this one is born. I cherish every moment of this pregnancy but I am tired of feeling that fear. I am at the point where I am starting to feel the little miracle move around and it settles my nerves, yet the fear is still there...

I have found it is hard for me to trust that everything will work out, but I know I can't change anything so I guess I need to just let things be...

4 comments:

  1. I feel I need to chime in here. I know what you're going through is hard, and it's a lot to handle. Might I suggest the fear release CD that Hypnobabies offers. It would be a great tool to use to release all the fears and burdens you carry, and free yourself of all that crap. If you've interested, just check out Hypnobabies.com

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  2. I completely understand. I feel weird being in the pregnancy club. We want 2 children, and know that it will probably not happen. Pregnancy announcements still hurt, knowing my child will be an only child in such a huge family hurts. It doesn't go away. I just have a good time right now and try not to think about it. Easier said than done.

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