Bite me PCOS.

Prediabetic

2012-01-26T16:58:00.000-06:00

It isn't like I eat horribly...but, pretty sure I am right about this. Thanks again PCOS. My appointment can't come fast enough.

Endocrinologist appt and a non-crawling 10 month old...

2012-01-17T15:10:00.000-06:00

Finally. A doctor listened to my concerns! My fasting blood sugar read high and I am awaiting an appointment with someone that might be able to give me some answers. Reminds me that I need to find out from my dad who on his side of the family ended up with diabetes at a young age. I am not obese, but I know there is something funky going on in my body and has been going on for a long time, maybe I can get some straight answers as to how PCOS has affected not just my fertility, but other aspects of my life also.

T is still not crawling. He is becoming quite mobile on his back by using his legs to push himself around. He doesn't roll much anymore, but loves to play in his Jumperoo and in his Bright Starts Activity Station. I have had many comments on how babies should crawl and that he will have issues later (reading, dexterity, etc) if he doesn't, but I have been doing a lot of reading and found that he just might skip crawling...and that is perfectly fine (as per his pediatrician). And you know what? It isn't like I am preventing him from crawling! I mean, really? Sometimes I wish people would stop giving parenting advice (assvice) but that might be asking a bit too much...:)

And HALT!

2012-01-09T17:26:00.000-06:00

LOL. Sometimes I make myself laugh and I need one today! Fellow Navy personnel will (maybe) understand the title.

So, we were bound and determined to go for #3. I was 100% positive AF would stay away due to my crazy PCOS, but to my surprise she showed TWICE in a month! Holy crap. I was going to call today to schedule my HSG. But..nope, DH got home and informed me that he will probably be going overseas for a bit (3+ months). He would leave sometime next month so TTC #3 is on hold and probably won't happen now as I will have to adjust my schedule to allow for daycare. And 2 (possibly 3) little ones in daycare (plus DD in the summer) would literally bankrupt us.

I am trying to get to a place where I am ok with this, but after TTC for 12 years it is a hard thing for me to do. Everyone that suffers from IF has their roadblocks, but dang...our 2nd careers in the military really do throw a wrench in our "plans". I guess the problem that I have is that I never got that "feeling" that so many other moms have told me about, the feeling that my family is complete. I hate to feel forced that my family is complete, but I have to remember that we have 2 beautiful miracle children.

Something that I HAVE to remember is that my RE reiterated that we were lucky, not just from having preeclampsia and HELLP (and both the baby and I surviving), but that we had 2 follies ready and 5 more that were so close that he was going to call off the cycle. I am glad he didn't tell me that then as I would have been a mess as his clinic doesn't "allow" more than a twin pregnancy.

So fellow IF-ers...for now I am signing off. I don't really want to think about TTC or anything related to it(which reminds me, I need to distance myself from all the mom groups as those women are TTC again and there are quite a few that are pg again).

I will leave you all with a recent pic of Trey. Our HELLP miracle.

Struggle...

2011-12-22T17:40:00.000-06:00

So, I haven't been the best blogger in the world. Eh, whatever.

I am truly lucky. Lucky to have the children that I was blessed with, lucky to have a great career (um, 2 of them), lucky to have the best DH a woman could have, and lucky to be alive. I am truly happy, yet I long for another child. It is hard to explain to my friends that have never dealt with IF, but how does one know that they are finished having children? I am not sure that a number can be placed on how many children I would like to have. DH laughed when I told him that. I know it will be a struggle for both of us as we work opposite shifts, but a few years of that will benefit our bank account, and will give both of us lots of time with the kids.

And...I will start Metformin tonight. And I WILL open the paperwork that arrived in the mail from the RE. Tonight.

And it starts again....

2011-12-12T18:04:00.000-06:00

So the decision has been made. The RE's office got a call from me today. I am waiting on my next AF and then I will call them back (well...I will call them after 35 days of no AF which will be in early January), then I start BCP and schedule an HSG. Then it is on to Lupron! For now I can get started back on Metformin.

I "might" get a good O close to Trey's 1st bday! Holy crap. We are trying this again...and not wasting time on Clomid.

And yes, got the go ahead from all the docs!

Been a bit quiet...

2011-11-28T16:42:00.000-06:00

Apologies...if I have many bloggie readers? LOL

Why, you ask, have I been quiet? Well, I have been working some serious hours at work (and for the Navy), and the time I spend at home is spent with the kids. Facebook, blogs, shopping (eeek!) has all taken the backburner.

Got the results from the high-risk OB (and RE) and all of my bloodwork looks normal (no blood clotting issues and liver function is normal). So...we got the go ahead for TTC #3. Upon getting that news we have also been faced with the possibility that DH might get military orders to be away for 3 months to a year. So TTC might be taking the backburner. Not sure yet, which sucks something fierce.

I keep putting off calling the RE back to get on Metformin and BCP, they probably think I am a huge flake, but I hate to start something if we can't finish it. I have been debating starting slow (Clomid) but I know what will happen (nothing) so I think we might just get back into it with the IVF med routine and TI.

And on that note...AF has been missing for awhile now. Last one was the beginning of September...no, not pregnant as my body doesn't work like that. I did test and was (suprisingly) not disappointed. Been thinking about calling the OB and getting on BCP to try and get this crazy body in some kind of normal state. Oh, and I am still fat. Almost 9 months post baby and I have 20lbs to lose...? Starting the Reboot your Life program tomorrow...after a trip to the grocery store to spend some serious dough on produce. Then I might do a cleanse also as my system is all kids of messed up.

High risk...

2011-10-27T20:48:00.000-05:00

So, at my appt with my RE I told him I wanted to see a high risk OB to ask questions about pre-e and HELLP happening again. My appt was yesterday. The high risk OB was great (the nurse was a bit more informative though), she answered our questions, gave us lots of good info, and we left there feeling great. 1 in 4 chance at pre-e again, and a 5% chance of HELLP if I get pre-e again. I knew all of that as I have been studying up a bit on it all. Some blood was drawn to check for blood clotting issues (I had a very bad bleed at 13 weeks with Trey) and those results should come back in a few weeks. The doc mentioned taking baby aspirin but wasn't sure what I should do since I am allergic to aspirin. She explained about Trey's placenta not being as healthy as it should have been (clotting issues? A fluke? Pre-e and HELLP have no known causes). She talked a bit about the D&C I had to get placenta out (I just called it the vacuum), and she said there is nothing preventing us trying again. I mentioned my weight (I am about 25lbs over my "normal" weight) and she said I am within my BMI and weight isn't an issue.

Funny...she knows my RE. Small world in the doctor community I guess. I will be calling the RE to get meds started soon. I am hoping the Metformin helps out a bit with my weight issues and sugar cravings. :) And now I have to get into the TTC mindset again...exciting and scary as my mind keeps going back to the appt with the RE. Having 2 follies mature was great, but the fact that there were 5 more that were close makes me nervous of overstimulating again. Guess we'll see what happens.

PCOS and pregnancy complications.

2011-10-12T22:57:00.000-05:00

Wish I would have found this MUCH earlier!

http://www.tree.com/health/ovarian-cysts-polycystic-ovarian-syndrome-pcos-pregnancy.aspx

Now that I have dealt with this I will know what to look for if we get the go ahead (and decide to go ahead).

10/26

2011-10-11T23:23:00.000-05:00

I kept reminding myself to call the high risk OB...then my home phone rang and I was busy, checked it later and sure enough, it was them...funny as they were supposed to call last week. I called back and made the appointment, we'll see what they say.

I know I need to lose some weight (20lbs) to be healthier, but I am still under the max BMI for my RE to treat me. Yay.

DH and I have talked and will make our decision after we talk to the high risk OB.

Still no call...:/

2011-10-11T00:00:00.001-05:00

The high risk OB hasn't called me back yet, so I will try to remember to call tomorrow. DH and I have had a long talk about it all and are ok either way...we are so very lucky to have 2 IF miracles. We always wanted 3 little ones, so it will be hard for us to call it quits (12 years hoping and praying takes a toll on you though)...

T is doing well, he is growing like a weed just like his big sis! He almost skipped 6 month sized clothes completely. He is now in 9 month clothes and won't be for long...silly mom bought his winter gear in 12 month sizes...won't last him through the winter!

Had a crappy week, had some water damage to the house - carpet and walls will be getting replaced; lost my purse (maybe stolen?), and found evidence of a rodent in our basement ceiling. Maybe this week will be better.

RE consultation.

2011-09-27T16:34:00.000-05:00

The RE was great. He asked how the baby was doing, wanted to see a pic, and then we jumped right into what he wants to do to get us pregnant again. He did say that he wants me to talk to a high risk OB (peri) first though as we want to know the chances at this happening again (I have found online that it is 1 in 4 at pre-e again, but nothing for HELLP), and what the path forward will be (bed rest?). After that is done we can go ahead with Metformin and BCP and then an HSG. Oh, Metformin AFTER I get my liver function tested....which makes me a bit nervous as this HELLP syndrome thing did a number on my liver.

So the plan? He said we could go straight to injectables, but I think I would like to try a round of Clomid (100mg for cd3-12) to see if it will work. I would rather not put my body through the mess of menopause and injectables again (especially since I haven't lost all the weight! UGH!)...but we will do what is needed. He did talk a bit my crazy ovaries and that if did end up doing IVF we wouldn't need to spend much (if any) on injectable drugs as I need 1/3 of what a "normal" gal needs. LOL He also mentioned that he was a bit nervous when I got pg as there were 2 follies ready with 3 trailing close behind...so hence the 1 round of Clomid. I am a bit nervous for multiples...I would welcome them with open arms, but some serious changes would have to be made (take leave from work for an undetermined amount of time etc).

So...tomorrow I will be heading in to the clinic to get some blood drawn, then hopefully I will be getting a call soon as to when my appt with the peri's will be...:)

And this time around feels different. I have a feeling we are not done with kids, but I am a bit more relaxed about it all.

Tuesday

2011-09-20T23:59:00.001-05:00

I don't like you Tuesday. That is all.

6 month stats! And other news...

2011-09-19T22:01:00.000-05:00

Our 3.5 pound preemie is officially on the charts! Trey had his 6 month appointment today, 15lbs 5oz and 27in, 11%-ile for weight and 68%-ile for height. His head is in the 85%-ile. Last appointment (4 months) he was 2%-ile for weight and 3%-ile for height. Long and skinny, just like his sister...:)

I am thinking about asking the RE if I should see a perinatologist (sp?) before we decide to move on with #3. This is due to the fact that a peri would be able to tell me if it is a good idea if I get pregnant again or not. I know there are HUGE chances at pre-e/HELLP again and I want to know what a peri thinks...an RE's opinion is great, but they just get me pregnant...

Trey is 6 months old...:)

2011-09-16T15:17:00.000-05:00

What has been going on in my world...

1. I work 40+ hours a week, DH and I switch up at night so no daycare is needed (except for Friday's and drill weekend). This weekend will mark the 2nd weekend in a row that I have had drill (not to mention my full-time work during the week). Makes for a nice bank account, but a tired mommy.

2. Trey has started solids, all homemade, rice cereal, bananas, avocado, sweet potato, and next will probably be green beans...not sure yet. He is doing great (in my eyes, the 6 month appt Monday will show how well he is REALLY doing). He doesn't sellp through the night, but we have had a few night that I had to go check on him as he slept a good 7-8 hours. Of course then he woke up famished.

3. BF. Yes, my body failed me, I came to terms with the fact that I don't produce enough (any) and I was fine with it until I noticed women on my expecting club blasting the board with blog entries that are not the nicest to formula feeding moms.

4. 9/27 - the day I head back to the RE. Curious to see what he says about everything, curious as to when we could start again. It will have to wait until after the cruise I have planned with a few girlfriends in December...If I plan it right I could be coming back from the cruise right around the time I would be done with the BCP before down regulation.

5. I am tired. I get maybe 4 hours (interrupted) of sleep a night. I am not sure how long I can do this without going insane.

6. Something I realized recently...I don't have many IRL friends anymore...probably because I work so much, but also I think that having a new little one when most of my friends that have kids - theirs aren't babies...hummm...

Breastfeeding.

2011-09-14T19:16:00.000-05:00

Yea. Why a post about this? Because I get "looks". I pull out the bottle, get the formula dispenser, and proceed to make a bottle for my (thriving) baby and women stare. Now either they are staring at my voluptuous figure or they are judging me. I say it is the latter. See, I have been through this before, I tried and tried to breastfeed DD.  I could type up this long blog about why I had to stop, but it really isn't worth my time. I was heartbroken that I couldn't do the most simple thing for my baby....

Fast forward to baby T. I got everything ready ahead of time as I knew I would have issues with BF. I had supplements, a pump, nursing bras (nice ones this time!), nursing nightgowns, clothes, storage for the milk, etc. I pumped (no joke) 10 times a day for a month (hospital grade pump). The best milk I ever had was about a week after he was born, I pumped a whole ounce from both breasts after feeding him!  I had appointments with lactation consultants, and I could see the sadness in their eyes...I made it a month before my supply was gone (the last week I was pumping an ounce TOTAL a day). You see, PCOS didn't just doesn't affect my fertility, it also affects my ability to feed my children. Not to mention my issue with weight loss, my insatiable desire for sweets....you get the picture. So my mammary glands suck. So do my ovaries.

So...formula it is.

Remember this the next time you look at a gal that is mixing up that bottle of formula. Or the next time you comment on a post on FB, or your HUSBAND asks a gal if she is BF (yea, thanks dude...kinda awkward), or post about how formula isn't natural, etc. I have no other choice. And you know what? Circumstances are different for everyone, maybe someone had the choice and could BF, but decided to FF, that is their choice.  So trying to scare me with the known risks associated with FF? Nope...I am feeding my baby, he is thriving, and even though I would love to BF, I don't feel bad about my body not working correctly (ha, now I don't).  Sometimes things don't go as planned.

3 weeks.

2011-09-06T20:16:00.000-05:00

9/27 is the day I go for a consultation at the RE. So I have 3 weeks to lose some of this disgusting fat...LOL...looking like protein shakes, fruit, fiber, lo-cal frozen meals, and low fat cottage cheese for me! I have managed to gain back 10 of the 25lbs I had lost...:(

Tuesday is the day

2011-09-03T21:48:00.000-05:00

The day that I call my great IF doctor back to make an appointment for a consultation. We'll see what he says about the preeclampsia, HELLP syndrome, 33 week premie, and trying again! Thinking he will start me on BCP and Metformin right away and then maybe we can start this crazy road again in a month or so? I have been putting off talking to DH about this, just nervous as to what he would say. He was waiting on me...waiting for me to make an appointment. The doc figured out what works so why not? Sure we will have a rough couple of years with a few under 2 in the house, but if we don't do it now we won't go for it...:)

Losers with lice

2011-08-30T19:58:00.000-05:00

So...I thought "dirty" people got lice. Wrong!

The other day DD came up to me and said her head was itchy. I almost brushed it off to mosquito bites as we had been outside the night before and all of us had been feasted on. So I lifted her hair and exclaimed, "What the heck are those brown dots?" About 3 seconds later I figured it out. After we both freaked out for about 10 minutes I decided to wake the baby up and get to Walgreen's to buy some lice stuff. I had no clue what to buy. I bought Rid and did both of us. The problem with doing yourself is that I couldn't use that special brush. Anyway, I spent 3+ hours on DD's hair (the whole time asking her if I could just cut it really short - in which she replied "I would rather not look like a boy Mom.")

The rest of that day was spent washing, vacuuming, washing more, and trying not to freak out. We had a picnic and a birthday party to attend, neither of which either one of us got too close to anyone. The next day, I spent another few hours in her hair, finding tiny eggs....shudder....and the day went on, more laundry, vacuuming, etc. LAter in the evening I felt an itch. On my scalp. I thought I had avoided it....nope. Must have some in my hair from all the laundry...:( Freaked out again, called a friend, and she spent the evening and the whole next day helping me out with my hair and the house.

Lice are no joke. Hoping that we don't have a re-infestation. Especially since I have to work...don't want to introduce them there...but I bet I already have, unknowingly.

I think I am going home tonight after work and dousing my head with olive oil.

Couldn't stay gone long.

2011-08-22T19:24:00.000-05:00

Broken record, so please skip over this blog entry if you are sick of my SIF madness posts...I will be the first to admit that I struggle almost daily with thoughts about infertility (or loss, preemies, or general mom stuff), thankfully I have beat IF twice, but my whole life has been affected by PCOS.

So I had made up my mind to take a break. A break from FB, a break from this blog, a break from all things online. Well, it really didn't happen. I made it 18 hours and reactivated my FB account! But those 18 hours? I didn't sit and wonder about what was going on in FB-land, I had more time to clean around the house, more time to hang with my little dude, my DD,and DH, and I had more time to cook <-- which I don't do a lot of, regretfully.

During the break (and times I am not glued to the screen) I did a lot of thinking and I am still torn. I have been extremely lucky in life (luck, chance, blessed, etc) and I am thankful for the miracles that I have sleeping soundly in their beds at night. But alas...there is that feeling that I thought would completely subside once I held baby #2 in my arms (I now think once an IF-er always an IF-er), I have the feeling that my family *might* not yet be complete (which if I were "normal " would have been complete years ago). With that feeling come a lot of other emotions, along with the thoughts of another miscarriage, multiple gestations (gladly welcomed but not by my fertility doctor), the IVF drug protocol (with TI) not working this time and having to make that decision - IVF or be happy with not feeling our family is complete. I gladly welcome the weight gain from the drugs (although I still have 15+ pounds to drop before I go back to the RE), I welcome the crazy emotional rollercoaster that comes with Lupron, BCP, Gonal-f, trigger, and progesterone (I thought Clomid was bad - these drugs definitely take the cake), I welcome the feeling that I am pregnant once I start progesterone, but I am not sure about the rest of what could happen.

DD was a completely normal pregnancy, minus the changing my EDD by 3 weeks thing (should have been a hint that there might be something wrong - not going with a midwife again after my issues), but with Trey things were different. That little 3 pounder changed me, changed the way that I look at life, changed the way that I look at my kids, heck - the whole experience changed me. I fear pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome, but I have hope. Hope that a different drug protocol with help to keep those things from happening again, hope that I will be with a much different doctor (you are fired Mr. OB that doesn't believe anything I say whether it be IF/SIF or that there is something wrong in my pregnancy), hope that I will have a viable pregnancy and it won't take yet another 5 years.

How will I "know"? That is my dilemma. I don't "know" if my family is complete. I mean why would I stop trying once I know what has a huge possibility of getting me another miracle?

On that note, DH and I have to have a discussion about all of this. Now that T. is out of his crazy preemie stage I think DH will be ok to talk about our future and if adding to our family again is something we can both agree on.

Break.

2011-08-14T23:52:00.000-05:00

Things are going great, T is a wonderful almost 5 month old little boy, my career couldn't be better, my marriage is wonderful, DD is about to start 1st grade, etc. But other things in my life are wearing me down, it is looking like I have been portraying myself in a way that I wasn't meaning to. I am really not bitter, at least not now, now I see things differently. My journey has made me into who I am, not just my TTC journey, but every experience in my adult life has had an effect and I have learned a lot.

I am taking a break, not just from here, but from message boards also. This blog has been an outstanding outlet for me, I have gotten a lot of things out there that were having an effect on my life. If things work out to where DH and I go back to the RE, I will definitely be coming back to post regularly.

August...already?

2011-08-01T21:33:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it is already August. I had told myself we would go back to the IF doc in July....nope. I think we will wait at least until after the new year, give my body time to get semi-normal again. We are still deciding as a family what we want to do, hard decision as with 2 small kids at home I am not sure I can work at all. Although I work at a place that has been extremely flexible with my hours lately.

I will make Trey's 6 month appointment in the next few weeks, hoping that we will be able to start solids after that appointment. And this time it will all be homemade (minus the occasional jar of organic food on-the-go). I plan to start making foods and freezing then right after his appointment. I also think I want to try to make his rice cereal (I will be using brown rice though).

I may even start up a new blog. We'll see.

A much needed break.

2011-07-18T20:54:00.000-05:00

Aaaah. Vacation is over. Military 2 week duty is over. Took a much needed leave from FB (occasionally checked things out though). Back to the grind.

DH and I have been thinking about things. He asked if we should really try for a 3rd, like can we handle it? I really should keep working, so the fact of the matter is, can DH handle a 1.5 year old and a newborn (or possible more than one with the chances I have at multiples on injectables) at night without me at home with him?

A friend told me that I would have that longing for a 3rd. I feel so lucky just to have Trey, but I think there is a slight longing....a lot of it has to do with the fact that it took us so long to get to where we are now with 2 kids, we now know what it takes to get pregnant...so why not?

You’re a Mom, you’re not infertile anymore!

2011-06-20T22:50:00.000-05:00

Ummm...yea. A total myth. Now I know we all have our own opinions about so many things in life, but secondary infertility is a real thing. Sure, I know what it feels like to have a baby, but that doesn't mean that SIF doesn't affect me...heck, I have suffered from both primary IF and SIF and both suck. What got me thinking about this? A blog. Yea, I let it get to me. This is the 2nd time that I have read a blog about this subject. I stopped following more than a few blogs because of how I have been feeling about this.

I have run into this on a few infertility blogs that I frequent, I don’t comment as I will probably just upset someone (although I did comment on one blog after I saw someone bashing women like me, women that can't get pregnant naturally and my post never showed up). Secondary infertility is a real thing. And you know what? It ain’t any better the 2nd time around as I suffered from primary IF also.

So many times I heard the stories…you know the ones. Stories about couples that “gave up trying” and ended up pregnant. Or the couple that was about to have IVF and found out they were pregnant. Or how about the one of a couple that tried Clomid and it didn’t work, only to fall pregnant shortly after stopping treatment. And my FAV – the couple that was in the process of adopting or had a new adopted baby in the home and then they got pregnant. Yea, totally not me.

I think that IF is different for everyone. One couple may struggle for a year, another couple may struggle for 10 years, I think that IF is IF. We all have our struggles and I can’t say that I know exactly how one of my bloggie IF friends feels, just as they can’t say the same about me. IF, loss, cycle failures…all infertiles experience so many things in IF-land...

So if I have to resort to extreme measures that isn't infertility? Eh.

Infertility is not cured, it is not a disease, it is something that is permanent. Eight years after being told I would never have kids I saw those 2 lines…and my life changed forever. But when I went to a new OB after TTC for a few years after DD was born, that OB told me I just needed time, and he had no clue what secondary infertility was. So many people (obviously even doctors) think that a woman can’t be infertile if they already have a child…a few years after my OB agreed to refer me to an RE, and then I was diagnosed with secondary infertility.

Yep, I am a mom, became one for the first time almost 6 years ago. I count myself lucky as I was told for years that I would never get pregnant, and 8 years later I ended up pregnant with DD. So then I was finally a mom. But then what? I can’t be infertile as I have a child, right? So was my infertility behind me? So many doctors and nurses tried to tell me that I would be the most fertile after DD weas born...Ahhh...no, not so much. I will always be an infertile, and nope, my infertility is not behind me. It has already started and Trey is 3 months old…no AF in sight (nope, not breastfeeding, no milk here!)…headed back to the RE soon to see what our options are. He will be changing my meds due to the severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome and I am pretty curious as to what the next steps will be.

Infertility has permanently changed the person that I am. No matter what, infertility hurts and for me that hurt will never go away. I can’t have that conversation and know that IF won’t be a HUGE factor…you know the one, the one that goes like this “How many kids do you want to have, and when are you going to start trying?” So many people I know would answer that with “We are DONE!” Or “DH is having a vasectomy!” Or “We want to wait until baby is XX months old so we can have them spaced out perfectly.” GAG! To have that luxury…

It has been extremely hard for me to have “normal” conversations with friends. Well, I can’t. I sit and nod in agreement, but in all honesty I don’t have many people I can have an IF conversation with. No IRL friends. I have unloaded on so many people IRL, and thankfully they are good listeners as I really needed someone to listen to me. Sure, there are many people my age that struggle to get pregnant a 2nd time, but it doesn’t help me to hear that it took so-and-so 7 months and so-and-so almost a year to get pregnant with her 2nd. It isn’t IF until it has been a year of TTC. I have a few bloggy friends and message board friends that can relate to this IF journey. So many of my IRL friends don’t know about the 3 shots a day I was taking, the busted blood vessels from those darn needles, they don’t know about the hot flashes from being in menopause, or the hopeful look on the nurses face the first time I actually had follies growing, and then the utter disappointment to find that I had overstimulated, what about the fact that if we had to go a step further and go for more expensive treatments? We couldn’t afford it. But we would have done it anyway.

So...on that note...Once an infertile, always an infertile.

Rant over. Won't write about this again as it would be a waste of my time. I will comment on comments though...I welcome the comments...how do you feel about this?

Catching up...

2011-06-03T17:46:00.000-05:00

Well, things have been great. I sit and wonder how I fit it all in every day though. Well...I don't I guess.
We need a maid, and someone to mow the grass. Why, you ask? We are working opposite shifts. Need I say more? :)

So, little man is still waking every 3 or so hours (the only time he sleeps longer than this is when I fall asleep with him on the recliner which I know I shouldn't do but at 3am I tend to pass out in the recliner). We have started cloth diapers, I have a large variety of them - prefolds and Thirsties covers, gdiapers, Best Bottom hybrid diaper (fav so far), and a few different kinds of pocket diapers. Honestly, I have enough diapers to diaper that kid for a week without washing...so I am going to sell some of them. That is a pretty cool thing about cloth, if I don't like it, someone out there will buy it!

Monday...Monday....

2011-05-23T20:07:00.001-05:00

My Mom is in town...:) Something happened at the airport (power outage) and she was delayed a day, but she is here now. She is getting in a lot of time with Trey! He has been sleeping through the night (almost, wakes for one feed) and I am super excited about that. He still isn't big enough (tummy still too small) to sleep all the way through the night, but that is ok. I usually end up on the recliner with him asleep on my chest or in my arms for a few hours before the sun comes up. Oh, I left him with my Mom and got to go grocery shopping sans baby. Completely different experience! I forgot how nice that was....

Today I didn't get a nap...then I get to work and I had boring training. I have now had 4 cups of coffee...training is over and guess what? I am wired! And then we had 2 tests while in the training. Good thing the guy training us (me and 1 other guy) wanted a beer really bad, we got some pointers on what would be on the tests and we both passed easily. This training is to help with a new job they "blessed" me with at work. Funny thing, people are retiring but new people aren't getting hired. I have 4 different things that I work on here now, which is craziness! I don't have enough time to help out in all those areas, good thing that they want me focusing on one area. Oh, and programming isn't my thing...yet. We'll see if I like it once I get the hang of it.

I might have to go out to California for a week of programming training...well, not might. They have to send me as I am utterly clueless as to what I am doing. I am hoping not to mess things up before I go to that training...and if so, I guess that will be my excuse. Positive to all of this? I am getting trained in something new and will be a bit more valuable to the company...:)

T-minus 34 days until Vegas...never been there this fat though. Bummer. Wish I could fit into my pre-pregnancy fat pants! LOL

Expert troubleshooter...yes, I am.

2011-05-21T02:01:00.001-05:00

Should have checked the laundry tub, it had a clog. So glad the washer is ok...LOL

On another note, I have taken on additional duties at work. I have found that people are retiring but they aren't hiring people to take those positions. So what happens to the thing those people worked on? People like me volunteer to work on additional things. I might have gotten in a little over my head with what I agreed to do. I talked to Doug about this and it is going on at his company also...then thing about it is, the more things I can do the better I look to the company. And...maybe avooid my name being on a list...you know...layoffs.

My schedule sucks. 4:30pm to 12:30 am is pretty hard to do with a little one, plus getting up early with him and DD. Naps are what gets me through the day! I did manage to get out of the house in 20 minutes this morning though, I didn't brush my teeth or even mess with my hair. Also I was wearing a tshirt that had spitup on it. Thankfully I didn't have to run to the store.

And thanks for the replies...I do write here for me, but didn't know if anyone really read it...:) I can try to get on here for 10 min every day (or 2 or 3)...

Thinking I won't be blogging as much...

2011-05-18T20:01:00.000-05:00

Well, I keep losing followers, and really - I don't think many people read this. I know I have readers...I think my blog is a great resource for others that struggle with some serious PCOS and IF, but with the minimal time I get every day I don't think I will be posting much. I only have a few minutes at work to post as my home life is too busy!

On that note, I think my washer might be about to break (about a year old!). Great. Hope the store we bought it at has a warranty.

2 month checkup

2011-05-18T13:10:00.002-05:00

2 month well baby - Trey is newborn size! He is on the chart now! He is in the 1% for height and weight (for a 2 month old), 8lbs 3oz, 21 inches long, and his head is in the 25%...LOL I knew his head was big. That is thanks to the intrauterine growth restriction (which I am glad he had as he got everything his brain needed). Shots were done, he didn't cry too much. I asked about his birthmarks, he has 2 kinds - he has a mongolian spot at the top of his butt (DD has one too but it is on her back and we have to make sure everyone knows about it or they think we beat her) and he has 3 hemangiomas. One of the hemangiomas might turn into a strawberry (1 is about half an eraser sized and the others are smaller). Thankfully they are all on his backside (the 2 of the hemangiomas are on his back and one is on his inner thigh). I am doing something right...little man is thriving...:)

Next appt is at 4 months...:)

2 month appointment for little man tomorrow!

2011-05-17T20:14:00.000-05:00

I am so looking forward to his appointment tomorrow...I have a few questions to ask - like are the strawberries on his back and bum normal? I found a bump on the back of his head and forgot to ask about it 6 weeks ago at his first appointment. I will have to ask about the constipation. And what I am most curious about is how much little man weighs! I am beginning to think he is getting a bit long for some of his newborn clothes, the gerber pjs seem to run a bit small.

Also, I am meeting my friend at Children's...she posted pics of her little man today, he isn't breathing on his own and he is on feeding tubes in his belly. I am going to try to help her as much as I can...they told her to expect him to be in there until her EDD (July), which is the same thing they told me. I went out and bought some of my fav things for when Trey came home (some awesome baby lotion and body wash - unscented). I am also giving her his preemie clothes, all except my fav baseball pjs. I have to keep something so I can remember how small he really was! Not every day that you have a 3lb 9oz-er...:)

Wish I would have known this stuff...

2011-05-16T23:33:00.000-05:00

Today my little dude is 2 months old, his 2 month checkup is on Wednesday! He is still eating every 2-3 hours, isn't sleeping well, but he is great! I think he might have a gas problem...gripe water and mylecon have helped a little...

3/16 seems like such a long time ago! Today I came across some additional info about pre-e, the one I highlighted in green is something that I had that I knew was a symptom, the ones I highlighted in red were symptoms that I had that I wasn't aware were symptoms:

Symptoms of PIH

If you have any of these symptoms, call your doctor right away:

Severe headaches - I had very mild headached = Tylenol helped. The nurses told me I was ok if Tylenol helped. Ha.

Vomiting blood - Nope, but I did yak when I was in the hospital, no clue that was a symptom of pre-e.

Excessive swelling of the feet and hands

Smaller amounts of urine or no urine

Blood in your urine

Rapid heartbeat

Dizziness

Excessive nausea

Ringing or buzzing sound in ears - I have that occasionally anyway, so this was normal.

Excessive vomiting

Drowsiness

Fever - I had just gotten over pneumonia a few weeks earlier, but didn't have a high fefver...it waslow grade.

Double vision

Blurred vision

Sudden blindness

Pain in the abdomen (tummy) - Happened in the hospital

Anyway, I thought it was interesting that I found these symptoms...

Prayers to my friend...

2011-05-16T21:55:00.000-05:00

So I had reserve drill weekend this past weekend. I don't know what it is about drill, but after this weekend that makes 2 women in 2 months that drilled for the weekend and then went on to have their babies very early.  I don't know if she reads my blog, but I am thinking of you and your precious little baby boy!

We talked quite a bit this weekend about things...how baby Trey is doing, how she wanted to go drug-free, how she was hoping to keep that little one baking and have a 7 or 8 pounder. I did talk to her about things not always going how we plan...she seemed to understand, but really? How can anyone prepare or expect things like this? Even though I was in the hospital with Trey I still didn't think that my baby would come early, especially after having a "normal" pregnancy with DD.

She didn't have any complications, totally normal pregnancy.  Yesterday she mentioned he wasn't moving, I mentioned that if she hadn't felt him move by the evening when she was relaxing to make sure to go in. I don't think she had a chance to relax as she felt menstrual type cramps, went in, and was fully dilated. She had him very quick, he weighs 3lbs and if I remember right she is 31 weeks (or very close to that, 30 weeks 4 days-ish). Her little one is in the NICU, but she is at a different hospital. I don't think they had time to transfer her to a hospital that had a NICU like in my case.

Although Trey wasn't in the NICU, I know I can be a good listener...she was there for me and I appreciate everything that she did for me! She even took time out of her day to listen to me and she came to the hospital and reenlisted me in the Navy. It was great!

I am planning on going to lunch with her this week at the same restaurants that DH and I frequented while Trey was in the hospital and I will be handing down the adorable preemie clothes...:)

8 weeks old...:)

2011-05-10T17:44:00.000-05:00

And still acting like a newborn...hoping to get a little more sleep at night soon! Lvoe that little guy! His cry is changing, he sounds like a newborn now and not a preemie. Once of these days I will try to make it to my favorite consignment store for some 0-3 month clothes...:) Pretty soon this little man will be filling out his newborn stuff (okokok, probably a month or so from now)...

And my diet has begun! So far so good...wondering how much the fast loss/cleanse will take off of me...

Couldn't help it...thought this was funny!!!

2011-05-06T13:38:00.001-05:00

Yep...gimme my stuff! LOL.

Mother's Day is upon us...before children I really did dread Mother's Day, seeing all the crap at teh stores, the cards, having to remind myself to send my mom and stepmom cards and small gifts. It sucked. Now that I have kids? It doesn't sting as bad but I still think about those days, those dark days when I was longing to be a mom. Those days sucked. I am lucky and feel blessed to have what I have now and I hope that others waiting will get to experience motherhood some day also. It is hard to explain, but life completely changes once that little one is born, things you said you would never do - you totally find yourself doing them...

Holy fat butt Batman!

2011-05-05T13:55:00.000-05:00

The scale is the devil. Oh, and so is sugar. Monday...starting my 7 day fast loss/cleanse. Then it is on! I have to lose 20lbs to make it to what I was before baby, then another 20lbs to feel like myself! Protein shakes, egg whites, oatmeal, and cottage cheese here I come!!!

The dreaded phone call

2011-05-04T15:22:00.000-05:00

So today I got up the nerve to call the fertility doc. I left a message on the nurse line and of course I didn't have my phone on me when they called back (I was out frantically looking for infant suppositories which I did not find, I saw them last week and the store was out!).

The nurse said that there is no set time to wait to TTC again. When we are ready we will call to schedula a consultation, then the doc will go over things with is and might even change the protocol as I had severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. Not sure what he would do, but he is the one with the knowledge. My OB is definitely not. I know he had good intentions when he told us to wait 6 months, but then in the next breath (when he realized we had severe issues Oing) he changed the time we should wait to a year...WTH? Really? Then he said to call the infertility doc. I WILL be changing to a different OB, if I get pregnant again I will probably have to be with a perinatologist (sp?) anyway, but I will need to find a regular OB...I don't htink I can handle him much longer...:)

Anyway, I haven't really talked to DH, just mentioned the great news to him. I am not sure when we will decide to go back, I do know that I need to lose some weight (I would like to lose 25lbs). I am not over the BMI where the RE won't treat me, but I can't see myself getting pregnant at this size...I would be a house at 8 months pregnant...

I am excited, yet a little scared....but I am hopeful. I hope that things work out and we will be able to add to our family again, I am glad that I have my wonderful RE and won't have to go through all those years of false hope. I do realize that I might have to stop working with adding another child in the mix, and that would mean getting rid of quite a few things that we don't "need"...:) Simplifying isn't bad....right?

A to Z of TTC

2011-05-03T16:45:00.000-05:00

A. Age when you started TTC: 21

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex.

C. Children wanted: We now have 2, unsure of adding a third to the mix...still waiting to call the RE...guess I am nervous?

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: 1 dog, a few saltwater fish (love that saltwater tank!), and a snake (ball python)

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: I am currently taking nada.
F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid, Ovidrel, Lupron, Gonal-F, Progesterone, probably a few others that I forgot about.

G. Gain: During TTC I gained about 15-20lbs
H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Feb 2010, Re thought my left tube might be blocked...that is the side I O'd from (when I finally had an O) and voila! 2 weeks later I was knocked up. Yay for an O!!!
I. Infertile Pet Peeves: The stupid things that people say. I mean really? Don't people think BEFORE they speak? Nope.

J. Job title: engineeering technician
K. Kids' names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Not afraid of that.
L. Length of time TTC: Total time TTC: 11 years. Barf.
M. Miscarriages: September 2009

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: In those 11 years? Uh, quite a few times although it was due to moving with the military.

O. Ovarian quality: PCOS. I don't have any of the outwardly symptoms though, my OB didn't dx me because of that reason...even though I had many small cysts on my ovaries and abnormal cycles.

P. POAS or wait for AF: Well, after I found that I wasn't Oing (ever!) I was pretty pissed as I POAS a lot. So when I finally did get a good O I was POAS like a crazy lady.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: There are so many. "I got off the pill and got pregnant in 2 weeks!" "You can have my kids." "You have a kid, you can't be infertile."

R. RE, OB/Gyn or other? RE

S. Sperm: the are good to go. All the issues are def me.
T. Time you tried naturally: 11/99 - 5/09
U. Uterus quality: Good...
V. Vagina: Normal

W. What baby stuff do you already have? Lots as I have babies!

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Lots of people. Friends, family, blog friends...

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): yes

Z. Zits: get them when pregnant.

10 on Tuesday

2011-05-03T16:30:00.000-05:00

1. What is the weather like in your city today?

LOL. It was 32 degrees this morning...insane. As the day went on it warmed up....a little.

2. Do you like the zoo?

Yes, I just honestly don't have time.
3. Do you eat coconut?

I like fresh coconut while I am spending time on the beach.
4. Have you ever hammered a nail? Are you good at it?

Yup to both.

5. Does your family have a vacation destination that you visit often?

A few. California (DH's family lives there), Vegas (we have a timeshare there and in a few other places), and we love to cruise.
6. How many pillows do you sleep with?

1
7. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Check on little man.

8. Will you send your kids to summer camp?

Hummm...probably not.

9. What do you put in your baked potatoes?

Sounds gross, but I put cottage cheese and broccoli on mine. Makes it a meal.

10. Did you take swimming lessons as a kid?

Yes. I learned how to swim when I was a baby.

Due date.

2011-05-02T17:02:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think back and realize that May 2nd was a looooong time away from when Trey was born. Crazy to think that almost 8 weeks ago he was brought into our lives. His 2 month appt is coming up quick!!! And I weighed him on our super scientific scale (HA!) and it looks like he almost weighs 7lbs now.

Things have been a little plugged up in his system these days...poor guy. We have been trying a few things that the nurses on the nurse line recommended. So far they haven't worked so I will be calling back in a few days to report what has been happening.

Weight...:( I have gained 5+lbs since I stopped BF. So next week I will be hitting the dieting thing hard, not so much a diet as just eating much cleaner. I have had this crazy sweets craving since I had the baby and I need to get over it or I will be 2 sizes larger than my norm forever! So, 30lbs gained, 20lbs were lost and I have found 5-10lbs again...lovely.

Monday will be the day. Starting a 7 day quick loss/cleanse.

And I am back at work...

2011-04-27T20:46:00.002-05:00

It was much easier than I thought, could be that the family in town has a lot to do with that, plus the fact that there is one of us with Trey 22(ish) hours a day.

I didn't call the RE today, I was going to but then the day got away from me. I will try to give them a call this week. If things go right I could be TTC again by late summer (unless he lets me go earlier). I am hoping...but at the same time I feel a bit scared as I was super sick and there is a huge chance that it will happen again...and with the drugs I will be on I wouldn't be surprised if we have many many follies ready. Twins anyone?

Oh, and I feel like a zombie today. My throat is scratchy, I have some snot, and Trey has been having a rough time sleeping. He sleeps great on my chest, but I fall asleep also and I am not sure that him being on my chest is the safest thing...his crib just isn't doing it for him. He likes the pack and play better! Life with a preemie? Or am I just holding him too much? Hummm...things to ponder...

2011-04-26T20:15:00.000-05:00

Had my 6 week checkup today. Everything is good, doc recommended birth control, I told him I am not going on it (I dont' O on my own EVER) and I asked when he recommended we try again if we wanted another child. He said 6-8 months, then thought about my issues and all the mess with the infertility doc and then he changed his mind and said a year. WTH? I told him we wouldn't be waiting that long, he asked if we were in a hurry...LOL...yes! We were expecting to be done with TTC a long time ago (we have been trying for over 10 years). So then he said to call my infertility doctor and see what he recommends. I will be calling tomorrow! My OB didn't mention anything about the severe pre-e and HELLP syndrome, he did talk about the fact that the placenta didn't some out ok (came out in pieces and some had to be vacuumed out). Hoping to hear good things tomorrow!

5 weeks ago...

2011-04-20T16:15:00.000-05:00

5 weeks ago I had a nosebleed that wouldn't stop! Oh, and I had just pushed out a 3 pound baby...:)

Trey is dong great! He is still on the 3 hour schedule that he was on in the level II nursery. He is taking 2oz nat every feeding (sometimes 3oz but that is not often), his bowels have gotten a bit plugged up since my milk dried up and we had to go to straight formula, bathtime is FUN! LOL...not really, at least not yet. He is not too fond of bathtime but I know that will change with time.

Today starts the one week countdown and I will be headed back to work. We have a family member flying in next week to help on Wed and Thurs (I have Fri off). I work afternoons so it isn't like we need help all day, I just didn't want to put him in daycare at 6 weeks old...we have family coming to help until around June 1st...:) But DH and I need to decide what will be done after that as I am not sure I want to put him in daycare at all. I could ask to alter my hours or even cut them back so neither kid is in daycare, we will have to talk about it soon as the daycare provider needs an answer (she wasn't keen on watching him part-time as he will be taking a full-time position). I am hoping to work out having him there part-time, at least until she has another kid that need the full-time spot...

Something fun to get my mind off of everything...

2011-04-16T11:47:00.000-05:00

A-Z

A. Age: 32

B. Bed size: Queen

C. Chore you dislike: Um...all of them actually. Putting away laundry is the absolute worst though.

D. Dogs: Cane Corso (pronounced kah-nay)

E. Essential start to your day: Now that I am not BF = COFFEE!!!

F. Favorite color: Green...although now it might be blue!

G. Gold or silver: Silver

H. Height: 5ft 9in (25 more pounds and I will feel like myself again! Although I only have 10 to lose to get to pre-preg weight)

I. Instruments you play(ed): As a kid I played the piano

J. Job title: Engineering technician (no, I will not go on to become an engineer, everyone at work tells me I should but I see the hours they work! No thanks!)

K. Kids: 2. Chloe Simone - 5-almost 6, and Trey - one month today! He was born 7 weeks early die to severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. As I have found out recently we are both lucky to be here as I was on the verge of my liver rupturing.

L. Live: Try to live every day to the fullest, some days are better than others.

M. Mom’s name: Carolyn Alexis
N. Nicknames: Now - none. In high school I was extremely skinny and had many skinny type nicknames. Hated them.

O. Overnight hospital stays: LOL...a few. Tonsils when I was younger, hospital stay after giving birth to DD, 3 day stay at 28 weeks pregnant this time around with pneumonia, and a 7 day stay due to preeclampsia (then HELLP syndrome) with this pregnancy.

P. Pet peeves: When people clip their nails anywhere other than the freaking bathroom! Ewww!
Q. Quote from a movie: No clue, that is DH's department. If I could remember it would probably be something from Due Date as that was a hilarious movie. I wouldn't have seen it if I wasn't pregnant though, I was a very bitter before I got pregnant this time and I might be again since I might not have the chance to get pregnant again.
R. Righty or lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: 1 brother and 2 step-sisters.
T. Time you wake up: Every 2-3 hours depending on little man. Can't let him sleep through the night as he needs his calories!
U. Underwear: Although I am still a bit big around the middle I have changed back to my non-maternity panties! Yay! Now I have to lose another pant size and I will feel more normal!

V. Vegetables you don’t like: I like them all.

W. What makes you run late: LOL, DH is usually the culprit although he would blame it on me.

Y. Yummy food you make: Spanakopita. Enough said.

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Pandas. Uh...monkeys I guess...although they throw poo.

I made it all the way through without little man waking up...time to feed him!

No more milk and most likely no more babies...

2011-04-14T07:59:00.000-05:00

Yea, I made it 4 weeks after Trey was born (oh, we are using a nickname for DS now, too many Doug's in the fam) and my milk is gone...I knew this would happen. I have done everything humanly possible to get my supply up to where it should be for a 4 week old baby, but I just never produced. PCOS can kiss it (guessing I don't have enough milk glands as my PCOS was early onset). So formula it is, and nope, I don't feel bad about it as I knew this would happen...it happened with DD also (it was well on it's way when I got PUPPS a few weeks after she was born).

Second issue = to try for another little one or not? My RE told me to call him as soon as I felt comfortable after this little one was born. Comfortable? Not sure when I will feel that way as this pre-e and HELLP syndrome stuff scared DH and I so bad...is having another child the best thing for me and my health? I am not so sure about that now. So many other people I know that had pre-e and HELLP had some sort of notice...me? Nope. It happened so quick, I found out on Saturday and had the baby by Wednesday...they kept me in the hospital as they were pretty sure I would get very sick very fast, and I did. So is a 3rd little one in our future? I will have to ask my OB what he thinks...I am pretty sure I will have to be with a high risk OB is we do decide to go ahead. Plus I am not sure what my RE will think about all of this...

Plus I wonder is there is any long term damage to my liver...I hope my OB gets all the information from the hospital where I was treated. I know I was in horrible shape (they wouldn't have induced me, they told me that they would keep me as sick as possible for as long as possible - that equaled a little over 3 days), but for my OB to tell me not to try again that would definitely solidify everything.

8 days later...

2011-04-06T22:42:00.001-05:00

So here I sit, staring at my little man...such a perfect little one. I feel so blessed! I think back and realize that this whole pre-e thing came from out of the blue and I wonder about the what if's...what if I hadn't gone to L&D that night? What if my liver hadn't felt like it was going to explode? I am thankful that everything happened the way that it did, no questioning that there was something wrong with me.

Even though this whole experience was completely different than the one I had with DD, it couldn't have worked out better. (DD was an 8lb-er, was not good at nursing, then I got PUPPPS and had to quit, DS was 3 pounds, and is a BFing champ! It is great, he surprised everyone as he took to BF right after he was born (with a shield of course, his mouth is still too little), I knew he would as he LOVED that paci...I loathe the day I go back to work as I know I won't get that bonding time...) I look back at the days I had to leave the hospital crying without my little bundle of joy and I understand now that the time I spent there was totally worth it (uh, I was there for every feeding for so many days in a row that I lost track of everything...showers, brushing my hair and my teeth, sleep, forgot to eat, etc). I believe I kept myself from going crazy by being there, hanging out in the hospital with my little man. The feedings were at 2am, 5am, 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm, 8pm, and 11pm. I believe that most of the nurses thought that I was crazy, they kept telling me to get some sleep, but how was I supposed to sleep when my little guy was there and I wasn't caring for him? It took me over a week to realize that he was being cared for in the best way possible.

Now that he is home it is our job to care for him, and those first few days with a preemie were pretty hard. It has been much easier now that I am on a schedule with him, but a short 3 weeks from now I will be going back to work...yay. My boss told me to try to get some more time off, but there isn't a doc out there that would do that for me, I am fine now (took about 4 days to get normal after the pre-e and spinal headache). We have family coming to visit to help out when I have to go back to work (we don't have close family local to us that can stay and watch DS while we are at work).

And on to the pics...:)

Pics of Dougie

2011-03-30T20:42:00.000-05:00

Here he is...

Dougie is home!!!

2011-03-29T16:56:00.000-05:00

We got to leave the hoapital today, Dougie is a whopping 4lb2oz...;) eating like a champ, and he is doing great...have to go pick up DD and surprisse her!!!

So much to do...so little time!

2011-03-29T06:48:00.000-05:00

LOL, this is the last time that I leave everything until last minute. Technically we didn't wait unti lthe last minute as DD came at a more "normal" time...but babies don't wait! Especially when my body had been preparing for months. One of the nurses on last night kept commenting on how DS is a complete miracle...her DS was born at 34 weeks and was in a level II nursery until he was 40 weeks (he had many issues, she had the same thing that I did but her DS didn't tolerate things well).

DS had his circumcision yesterday, carseat test is today, and I have been hearing rumors that he will come home today! If not, I am guessing he will be home tomorrow. I am in a frenzy doing all of my nesting that I didn't have the chance to do when I was pregnant (thankfully I didn't as I am sure things would have happened sooner as I was out of breath just getting up to use the bathroom).

I talked to an awesome nurse last night (same one that had the DS in the hospital until his EDD) and mentioned that I was scared to get pregnant again (not like it is an easy occurrence for me though) as if this happens again I could get Pre-e and HELLP syndrome again (VERY likely) and that freaks me out. DH wants to talk about it all again after we hear about the condition of the placenta that they sent off (curious about that). If things look ok and my OB gives us the go ahead I will ask him to send me back to the infertility doc.

I sit here and wonder if I have long term liver damage? LOL, funny that I ask that as I had no concern on my drinking binges in my early 20's...:) Amazing how things change when children are born...:):):)

Off to move some clothes to the dryer (crib sheets, bedskirt, baby clothes, etc)...

I don't like crappy nurses.

2011-03-27T22:57:00.000-05:00

So I had an 830 feeding tonight, the baby decided to poop all over the place while he had been BF for a few minutes. I changed his diaper (long process as it was nasty) and the nurse had gotten a bottle ready for me. So instead of finishing up BF I gave him the bottle. He wasn't too interested, he finished almost all of it but the nurse had to feed the rest to him in his NG tube. That will set us back a day or so on discharge. It made me so mad that she had to do that as the other nurses that have been on shift the last few days (minus one nurse) had no issues.

I have to remember that 1 or 2 extra days in the level II nursery won't matter in the long run but it sure does hurt me now...:( Hoping that my next feeding in 30 minutes goes much better...

ICLW...:)

2011-03-27T07:58:00.000-05:00

Thanks to all the ICLW-ers that have stopped by my blog the last week...much appreciated! As many of you can understand I haven't had the time to stop by many blogs since ICLW started to comment...I did however comment before it started on quite a few blogs..guess it was my body telling me to get to work before I knew what was going to happen. Just like I called around about circumcision before I knew I would go into labor 4 hours later and that our green team baby was a boy...LOL Mother's intuition? I am beginning to think so now.

So again...thanks for stopping by, next time I sign up I swear to comment 2+ times! :) Off to shower and visit my prince in the hospital...another long day! That is fine though as this is my job until I have to go back to work...:( Sucks as my maternity leave is going to dwindle down to nothing and then before i Know it I will be back at work...poop.

One step closer to home...

2011-03-24T19:54:00.000-05:00

A nurse practitioner told me the other day to call my insurance company to see if they would pay for a lteral transfer to a hospital closer to my house. I called and the insurance company agreed! As long as everything goes well tonight and tomorrow we will get that transfer tomorrow at 3:30pm! When I say closer to my house I mean it is literally 5 blocks...:)

Another nurse was talking to me today and said that she wouldn't be surprised if he is released sooner than we all thought, he is eating like a champ and that is what holds preemies back from an early release...:) As long as he bottle feeds well then I am guessing we have less than a few weeks to bring home that little man! The last 4 days hav e been just awesome. Minus the spinal headache that pops up every now and then...

He continues to astonish the docs and nurses...:)

2011-03-23T00:04:00.000-05:00

Baby Dougie has only made progress since he was born. He is doing great on feedings (BF champ already!), IV was taken out today, and he is just the greatest baby! I really feel lucky...Today I saw a full-term baby being admitted to the special care nursery and not even an hour later she was being rushed to the NICU. It is amazing how fast things can change.

One of the hardest things I have had to deal with is leaving the hospital without my baby. I cry quite a bit every day when I have to leave. It is amaxing that I was able to stay at the hospital all weekend (in a special parent room for babies in the special care nursery). Yesterday was the first day that I left, made me a bit nervous as I was scared they wouldn't have enough milk....they did though.  When I went in this morning the nurse explained that he was pretty upset that mom wasn't there to provide some boobie satisfaction. That first feeding (5am this morning) he was ravenous! They fed him through a tube in his nose, but that just didn't do it for him. LOL. He did great all day, they keep increasing his food volume (through the tube) and I let him breastfeed. I am guessing that they will change the volume of his feeding again as I am giving him a lot from breastfeeding, depends on how long I BF how luch they will give through his tube.

Great news today...no more IV!  I was told that they were thinking of taking it out this evening and that if there was an issue with it before that then they wouldn't restart an IV, they just tested his blood sugar a few times to make sure he was doing ok without the IV and he was!  The IV had started to leak, took me a few minhutes to figure out why I smelled like vitamins....his IV was leaking all over me.

Gotta get to pumping, once more then wake up super early to get ready to go spend all day with my prince...

Severe Pre-e and HELLP syndrome = Charlie is here, my 33 week preemie

2011-03-21T23:04:00.001-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a week+. I went to drill last Saturday and got my BP read - it was 182/105 when I was resting. I left drill after I was done for the day, went home, and a friend brought me to my local hospital. I got admitted to L&D, constant monitoring of my BP, all readings were high. I took a urine test and it was + for protein (quite a bit I guess). Next thing I knew I was getting a steroid shot in my butt to mature Charlie's lungs and I was told I was being transferred to a hospital with a NICU. The ambulance guys got there and started magnesium sulfate (anti seizure IV meds) and we started the drive to the hospital I was being transferred to.

Once I got to the hospital with the NICU I had an u/s, DH and I were told that the baby wasn't measuring correctly. I was a bit out of it already due to the mag sulfate. I was told that I could be in the hospital for a few days or a few weeks, just depended on how my body reacted. No one really told me what was going on, just that I was going to be spending some time on a high risk maternity floor until I got stable (BP was insanely high). On Monday evening I was transferred to long term pregnancy bed rest floor. I was there that night, and the next day...a few nurses even commented that I was looking great and might be going home on strict bedrest and BP meds. Yea...then late that afternoon (Tues) I got this horrible pain below my ribs. I explained the pain to my nurse, she started constant monitoring of my BP. In less than 30 min it went from a mild pre-e BP to severe pre-e BP. My BP couldn't come down no matter if I was on my side or anything. I got moved back to the high risk floor and the perinatologist came in to tell me she was breaking my water. She checked first and I was 2cm, 50% effaced, and -1. After breaking my water the pain just got more intense (at this pint I figured out it was my liver) and the doc finally let me have some pain meds. They worked! Then the pain started creeping back, I asked for the epi (contractions weren't hurting but I was hoping the liver pain would go away). The epi worked to take the edge off of the contractions but the other pain was insane. I can't describe it, other than I would rather birth my 8lb little girl again with no epi. I haved a high tolerance for pain and I couldn't handle it. I wanted to cut my own liver out. So the doc agreed to give me the pain meds again...I went from being stalled at 4cm to complete in 20 min.

Once I felt the baby right there we moved down to a operating room, I pushed lightly twice and little Charlie was born! DH said Charlie poked his head out and looked all around trying to figure out the world before he was even out all the way. Once I pushed that second time they laid his tiny body on my chest and I got to look at him for a quick second. The NICU doc took him away to get him breathing right. I laid there...I was so out of it...all the drugs and pain had completely drained me, physically and emotionally. I was wheeled back into my room (pain came back and I needed more meds) and I really wasn't told much (DH filled me in about Charlie) as I think the docs and nurses didn't want to worry me about how sick I really was.

I am still a bit foggy about what happened and when (all I know is that I was insanely sick and I am grateful that I was where I was and not at home or driving somewhere or that DH was called back to Japan), but I am ecstatic to say that our little 33 weeker was born at 3lbs9oz and 16.5in long (found out yesterday that he is an IUGR baby and that definitely helped him to stay out of the NICU). He has been breathing on his own since birth, and has hit milestones that normal 33 weekers don't usually hit until much later (breastfeeding champ!!!). I just got home from the hospital today (released on Friday) as I have been staying at the hospital taking care of baby Dougie in the special care nursery at his care sessions every 3 hours. I didn't want to come home, but I know that it is probably the best for my sanity not to spend every waking moment there.

Some of the docs and nurses said I should call my insurance to see if I can get a lateral transfer from the larger hospital to the one in my town (the only reason we were transferred to the larger one is that they have a NICU and I was less than 33 weeks when admitted), my insurance said they would do the transfer so now we are waiting until Dougie is off of the IV and we can get things going on that...we are so lucky as he is in a level II nursery, no NICU has been needed for this strong little man...:) Our miracle boy that almost wasn't here...

How much swelling is normal?

2011-03-11T23:44:00.000-06:00

I am definitely off to google this, but at 32 + 5 days I am insanely swollen. I have no ankle bones, my legs are swollen past my knees, my left foot has been tingling and hurting all day, etc. Makes me a bit nervous, especially as I have to wear military boots all day tomorrow and Sunday...:( I might head into the medical department tomorrow to get a BP reading just to see how that is going. If bad I will go into the ER when I get home from work. I drink a gallon of water every day, but I don't "go" like I have been this pregnancy. Nervous to weigh myself.

Thankfully Charlie is moving nicely tonight...

My doc must think I am psycho...

2011-03-11T00:25:00.000-06:00

So at my appt on Wed I talked to the doc about all of these weird symptoms. I told him I had right side pains with DD, but I never got dx with anything (they didn't have me take a pee test to check for urine and then the midwife told me the pain on my R side was heartburn, all this after she noted my swelling and huge amount of weight gain). I mentioned something about having DD at 38 weeks and the OB (at my appt on Wed) kinda said he thought I was term with her....uh, no...I even put it on the paperwork that I filled out for him a few months ago that I had DD at 38 weeks. So now I wonder if I will be on weekly appts or if my appt on the 16th will show no protein and then he will want to see me again in 2 weeks? I guess I will have to wait, unless things get worse after this weekend...

There was a definite question as to when my EDD was with DD as I had an u/s at 8 or 9 weeks but the machine was crappy and they couldn't do measurements (we were overseas with the military = crappy equipment), so they said I was about 8-9 weeks based on size and when my cycle started. THEN at my 20 week u/s (I was 23 weeks) they told me that she was measuring 20 weeks...they changed my EDD from June 16th to July 8th. DH and I about died...adding another 3 weeks on to my pregnancy? Craziness. Ok, I gave them a week...as we all know O date and implantation can differ by days...

So when I went in to have DD I was guestimating that I was about 41 weeks, but I was 38 to them (military). So when DD came out at over 8lbs of course they thought there were things wrong...LOL. She was fine.

Anyway, the OB this time around has given me much better care. I hated him for so long (as I was having issues proving to him that I was infertile before DD and he didn't believe that I was suffering from SIF), but you know what? Now I really really like the guy.

32 weeks appt...

2011-03-09T11:52:00.000-06:00

Well, I talked to my regular OB about everything that has been going on. I will be going in again next week for an appointment, and a urine check. He was concerned about my weight gain (almost 20lbs in a month) and is keeping a close watch on things. So I am guessing that depending on my appt next week I might be doing weekly visits a bit early. Hopefully I haven't gained another 5lbs by next week...

Appointment today (and again on Wed)

2011-03-07T12:31:00.000-06:00

After seeing that many of the symptoms I have been having could be a sign of pre-e I am going in this afternoon to get checked out.

I mentioned to the nurse the symptoms I have been having, plus the symptoms I had with DD - pain under my right rib, severe weight gain (gained 70lbs and half of that was in the last month of pregnancy), swelling, etc. I don't remember ever being checked for pre-e so we'll see what happens this afternoon! Still have to write down my symptoms so I don't forget...

32 weeks

2011-03-05T12:15:00.000-06:00

How far along: 32 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 25 pounds at last appointment. Next appt on Wed. I know I have gained a bit more (at least 5lbs).

Maternity clothes: Definitely. And they are great!

Stretch marks: No new ones.

Sleep: Getting up a lot at night now.

Movement: Pretty much any time now. Love it when I am standing and can feel it well above the belly button.

Cravings: Still having salty cravings...pickles, olives, etc.
Gender: Surprise...so exciting to do it this way!!!

Symptoms: Swelling, definitely (almost to the point of hurting now). No more rings for me! Constipation, heartburn at weird times (after drinking water yesterday??)

What I miss: Not a whole lot...minus sushi. DH came back from a 3 week working vacation and told me all about the sushi. Jerk...:)

What I look forward to: Meeting this little miracle.

Moods: Feeling good! And a bit tired...

Milestones: And yet another week down!

Medical Concerns: I think the swelling might start to be a concern, my blood pressure read a little high last weekend at drill (140-something over 90 or 100 something when usually it is 110 over 60, I will be sure to mention that at my appt Wed), I was standing at work the other day and saw stars (more like black floaters) and I have had a few dull headaches off and on, and I have had a few heart palpitations in the last few days also.
Weekly Wisdom: Eh, not much wisdom this week...LOL
Best moment this week: Meeting DH at the airport yesterday with DD.
Worst moment this week: Probably would have to be the floater thingies that I saw. That was a bit concerning.

Emotions....

2011-03-03T17:26:00.000-06:00

I think back about 6 years and I laugh. I was an emotional basketcase when I was pregnant with DD. Seriously, DH went to the wrong grocery store and I broke down and sobbed. I think about the look on his face and I laugh (now).

This time around? Things are a bit different, not as emotional during this pregnancy (although certain songs will come on the radio on my way to work and I will get weepy...and I don't listen to weepy music). makes me wonder who is growing in there...boy? Girl? If things go as they did for DD we will know in about 6 weeks...that scares me as I am not ready at all. Furniture is still on order (8-12 weeks from when I was 26 weeks?!?!?!?!?), baby's room is still a wreck (need to move some boxes and non-baby items out of there), and I am just not as prepared as I was with DD. Amazing how different everything this time around is.

Lifting up my water glass....Here's to 32 weeks!!!

31 weeks...

2011-03-01T10:37:00.000-06:00

How far along: 31 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 25 pounds. At my appt last week my OB was pretty shocked that I gained 11lbs in 2 weeks, but I have been fluctuating a bit so really it is only 7lbs in 7 weeks...that's what he said and he is looking at that pretty close I guess. Eh, I knew it would start to creep on!

Maternity clothes: Definitely. And they are great!

Stretch marks: No new ones.

Sleep: Been doing ok with sleep. Minus the fact that DD thinks it is ok to make her way to my bed in the middle of the night...:)

Movement: Pretty much any time now. Love it when I am standing and can feel it well above the belly button...

Cravings: This pregnancy doesn't really have me craving certain things...well, I am not craving sweets like I was with DD, so wondering if DH's grandma is right (about this one being a boy)?
Gender: Surprise...so exciting to do it this way!!!
Symptoms: Swelling, definitely (almost to the point of hurting now). No more rings for me!
What I miss: Not a whole lot.

What I look forward to: Meeting this little miracle.

Moods: Feeling good! And a bit tired...

Milestones: Another week down!

Medical Concerns: I think the swelling might start to be a concern, but my blood pressure has been ok (minus at my military physical for the reserves this weekend, it was a bit high then).
Weekly Wisdom: Mid-calf military boots are not a pregnant woman's best friend. I will take a pic in a few weeks when I have reserve duty again and post them on here. It was disgusting to see how bad my calves swelled up!
Best moment this week: Friday will be awesome as DH comes back from being overseas for about 3 weeks...
Worst moment this week: Haven't had a worst moment. Hoping not to!

The bitterness is still there...

2011-02-25T15:00:00.001-06:00

I have been slacking this week with ICLW, I hope that I have made some of it up today though. I did come across a blog of a fellow IFer that talked about bitterness.

I have been bitter for years. Pretty much my whole marriage (going on 12 years now), not because of my marriage though, because of all of the IF that I have had to come to terms with. I remember reading on another blog about women that were IFers having children and others considering them to not suffer from IF anymore. HA! I don't think so. I have dealt with this IF stuff for so many years...PLUS I had to convince my new OB (back in 2007) that there was something wrong with me, he didn't think so as I already had a child (conceived and carried to term by pure miracle as I have PCOS and it is so severe that I was told that I would never bear children without lots of help, heck even my IF doc was astonished). So does the bitterness go away? Well, it hasn't for me. To get to the point I am at now took a lot, a lot of $$$, a lot of patience (which I am short on these days), and a lot of trust. I think the bitterness will always be there....lurking....

Do I still consider myself as suffering from infertility? Yes. I have always been and will always be infertile. Just because I have a child doesn't mean that I am not an infertile. I have actually had to define infertility and secondary infertility to people (LOL, even my OB!) as many people that have never dealt with IF have no clue. And yes, I am that gal that puts it all out on the table..."relax and it'll happen" seriously??? I am so open with people, so they think they can try to give advice on stuff they have no clue about (LOL, maybe I shouldn't be as open??). Relaxing isn't going to force Metformin into me so I can lower my chances at m/c IF I can ever get pregnant again, relaxing isn't going to put me into menopause so my ovaries calm down, relaxing isn't going to shove that needle in my belly 3 times a day until my follie scans show something happening, relaxing isn't going to do anything for someone like me.

Yes, I have been lucky, lucky in the sense that I finally found a doc that would listen and could help me with the issues that were preventing my body from working correctly. I know I have said this before, but that doc is my hero. He was so positive about things (well, other than calling me an anomaly when I overstimmed on Gonal-f so bad that they though I was going to get a severe case of OHSS).

And now? Now I feel myself getting a bit more confident about this pregnancy and having miracle baby #2, confident that I will conquer that IF battle once more.

Fun times....

2011-02-24T17:42:00.000-06:00

Thursday already? I have so much to do before DH gets home (out of town for the military until next Friday). I was supposed to have the spare room cleared out before he gets back (small items that are junking up the baby's room). Yea, with the way that I have been feeling (sore..."down there"...like I rode a horse for days and days, I asked the doc and he said it is normal to feel pelvic bones move earlier in 2nd or later pregnancies) and all the sleeping I have been doing, I haven't done much at all. I did move some stuff around in there and now it looks much worse. LOL Oh, and I did some laundry (yuck) and the dishes, yay me!

On a positive note, one of my IF/PAL friends (a real life friend) had her little girl a few days ago. She was only 38 weeks, but that little girl was weighing in on ultrasounds at over 9lbs. So they scheduled an induction and her little one was born at 8lbs 14oz. I can't imagine how big she would have been if my friend didn't have her that early! Wow!

I haven't posted my 30 week update...not much going on though, just the pelvic bone pain, OB appt yesterday was good, measuring right on track, heart beat was 138bpm, blood pressure is good and I have minimal swelling, no more rings for me...:)...uh, but I gained a bit of weight (to be expected). I had lost some while in the hospital and during my sickness, I blame the weight loss on the fact that all I ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner was chicken noodle soup. As of right now I have gained 24lbs (remembering that I had gained quite a bit before getting pregnant these last few years on all the IF drugs, my guesstimate is about 15lbs). So the doc is happy with the weight gain, but honestly I thave always thought that my body will gain what it "needs" to in order to sustain a pregnancy. I won't be dieting while pregnant, if I am hungry I will eat! LOL. I will watch my juice, hot chocolate, and empty calorie intake though...

Glad this week is almost over...:)

Twenty-six

2011-02-22T11:50:00.002-06:00

I saw this on another blog and just had to do it...:) Found it on AP's blog, and I figured it would be a great way for other bloggers (and my few in real life friend followers) to learn a bit more about me...:)

Twenty-Six

Age: 32.
Blog Title Inspiration: Uh, well...I was going a bit mad with dealing with IF the first time around and this SIF mess was a bit worse. So my OB pretty much told me it would happen again with time...LOL. Funny guy.
Chore You Hate: Putting away the clean laundry.
Day at the Beach or Cozy Rainy Day? Definitely a day at the beach.
Essential Start Your Day Item: Well, it used to be coffee until I decided to quit. Then when I was finally referrred back to the OB from the IF doc, I was told NO CAFFEINE. So glad I quit or I would have been mad.
Favorite Color: Almost any shade of green.
Gold or Silver? Silver.
Height: 5'9"-ish.
Instruments You Play: Played the piano when I was younger.
Job Title: Senior engineering technician.
Kids: We have a 5 (and a half) year old little girl. Our unmedicated miracle (even the IF doc was astonished that we got (and stayed) pregnant with her.
Live: In the great white north (Minnesota), hoping one day in the next 2 or 3 years to live overseas again though!
Mom's Name: Carolyn although she goes by Nina.
Book Currently on Your Nightstand: None. Don't have time to read books. I do read lots of books on airplanes though (I never sleep on airplanes, no matter how long the flight so books are great for keeping me busy so I don't go stir crazy).
Nicknames: Monkey.
Overnight Hospital Stays? I have had a few. Once for tonsils when I was a kid, stayed in hospital when I had DD, and most recently 2 nights in the hospital for an insanely high heart rate and pneumonia (community acquired). Lovely.
Pet Peeve: People who make stupid comments about things they don't know about. Example: Infertility.
Quote from a Movie: I am not the movie quote type of person at all!
Right or Left Handed? Right.
Siblings: A younger brother and 2 older stepsisters.
Time You Wake Up? Whenever DD gets me up (I work afternoons).
Underwear: At the present moment? Maternity underwear. One of my friends couldn't believe I wear them (she didn't when pregnant)...but I grow so big my non-maternity ones cut into my belly and legs...:(
Vegetable You Dislike: I like them all! Really...I do.
What Makes You Run Late: Usually DD...LOL
Yummy Food You Make: Spanakopita...although I have changed my recipe a little and I am not sure I like it as much.
Zoo, Favorite Animal: Monkeys.

Welcome ICLW-ers!

2011-02-21T11:18:00.000-06:00

I am Erica, this blog has been a great outlet for me, and also a great place to meet fellow IFers and "talk" about our struggles (I really don't have anyone in my real life that understands). This struggle has opened up my eyes, opened my eyes to life, trust, and in the end....hope.

I have my journey posted on the left side of this blog, but this is a post that is a bit more in-depth.

I started this blog well into my journey, DH and I have been dealing with IF since we were married almost 12 years ago (nope, never been on birth control). A miracle happened right around our 5 year anniversary though, we found out we were pregnant. I had lost 35lbs on a great workout plan (Body for Life by Bill Phillips) and I guess my body finally decided to work correctly and drop an egg. That pregnancy was great, no issues at all (except for an insane amount of weight gain, my midwife told me to stop eating how I was eating and I ballooned up...total gain was a bit more than 70lbs). We now have a 5.5 year old little girl. A true miracle as I was told we would never have kids (then 5 years later I was told I would need to see an IF doctor, then we ended up pregnant on our own 3 years after that).

This struggle has made me into who I am now (although the last few years I have felt detached from real life friends as the support just hasn't been there, but how are they supposed to know what I need anyway?).

Currently I am 30 weeks pregnant. Things are different this time around though. With DD I was told I wouldn't get pregnant and then I was told it would take a lot of doctor intervention. When I ended up pregnant on my own and had that little girl I trusted that it would happen naturally again and I was told it would be easier to get pregnant the 2nd time around...HAHAHAHA. Not the case here people.

We moved to another state about a year and a half after DD was born, we really started trying around the time she was 2 (never prevented though). My new OB thought I was crazy, and since I already had a child then it would happen in time. Not so much. So after many tests that showed everything normal and 4 cycles of unmonitored Clomid and a horrible miscarriage, I asked to be sent to an IF doctor. My IF doc (my hero) diagnosed me with PCOS. I didn't have any of the so-called outward symptoms (never have), normal weight, no hair loss, no facial hair, etc. But what I did have was polycystic ovaries and abnormal periods. He tested my insulin levels and put me on 1500mg of Metformin a day (along with BCP for a month). I did another 2 cycles of Clomid (monitored) and never produced any mature follies. We did a cycle of injectables (IVF med protocol) and I overstimmed on such a low dose of Gonal-f that we had the IVF chat, the doc told me that I am an anomaly (as normal women on the dose I was on produce 2 or 3 follies when I produced almost 20).

We did another cycle on a lower dosage of Gonal-f and I ended up producing 2 follies. I was skeptical that anything would work for me, and I was scared as it was 1 year after my miscarriage, I tried to have faith but in all these years I have lost a lot of faith, but 11 days later I got that +hpt. I cannot describe the fear that entered my life at that moment or the fear from the severe blood loss at 13 weeks pregnant from 2 subchorionic hemorrhages. After having a "normal" pregnancy with DD, the loss I experienced in Sept of '09 and my current pregnancy have opened my eyes to the many things that could potentially happen in pregnancy.

Something that I am still struggling with is that it has been extremely hard for me to go from being barren for so many years to having this little one growing inside of me. It is hard for me not to get emotional (eyes are watery right now) when thinking about battling though all of this mess, and in the end getting what we have wished for...holding that little one in my arms...

Cloth diapers...

2011-02-15T17:37:00.000-06:00

Been wondering if I can tackle cloth diapers. I wanted to do it with DD, but I wanted to use a diaper service as I knew nothing at all about washing them. We have our own washer and dryer so I figure it will just mean an extra load of laundry twice a week. Not a big deal though as I know the laundry will multiply with another little one in the house.

I know they are more cost friendly, but I work full-time...will I really have the time? Heck, even if I cloth diaper the few months I am home with the baby I will see some savings...jsut have to convince DH that it isn't gross to cloth diaper. He won't be doing the washing anyway...LOL

Anyone have suggestions (I know the brand of pocket diapers I will use) or pointers? Thanks!!!

29 weeks

2011-02-14T11:49:00.000-06:00

How far along: 29 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 15 pounds, but after buying a few too many boxes of girl scout cookies I am guessing the weight gain will creep on...
Maternity clothes: Definitely.

Stretch marks: No new ones.

Sleep: Lots, I find myself sleeping later and later. DD has been great and is pretty self-sustaining if I fall asleep on the couch. Glad she is 5.5 yrs old and not a 2 or 3 year old...I would definitely be hurting for sleep!
Movement: Sporatically throughout the day and then lots of movement at about 1 am.

Cravings: Not too many. Meat, any kind, has been my snack of choice...LOL

Gender: It is a surprise! I have stocked up on some neutral layette items (had more than a few neutral items left over from DD) all are washed and ready to go!

Symptoms: Joints in my feet and ankles were sore last week (along with leg muscles)...felt like I ran a marathon the day before.

What I miss: Not a whole lot.

What I look forward to: Meeting this little miracle.

Moods: Feeling good!

Milestones: Another week down!

Medical Concerns: Not too many, finishing up the rest of my antibiotics for the pneumonia, off of pelvic rest, and passed my 3 hour GTT!
Weekly Wisdom: Calling to check on the 3 hour GTT results would have been smart before ordering girl scout cookies...
Best moment this week: Getting a lot of baby shopping done (travel system, convertible carseat, etc). Seeing the differences in the baby belly!
Worst moment this week: Spending the $$$ for all the baby stuff...LOL

Hummm???

2011-02-10T22:14:00.000-06:00

DH's grandmother has never been wrong at guessing gender. Back in August (right after I took the trigger) she told us I would get pregnant and we were having a girl. Either way is fine with us, after waiting this long I am not one to be picky.

Tonight DH called his grandma to wish her a happy 85th bday. She is getting older and forgetting things, but she asked how I was doing with the pregnancy and when we are due. She then told DH that we are having a boy. LOL, we were 100% positive (from her earlier prediction) that we were having a girl, now? Not so much. Funny as DH and I were just talking about how different this time is, how much I haven't gained, how it is pretty much all in the front, and how I am not craving the sweets like I was with DD.

Eh, no matter what we will be prepared and jump for joy for whichever gender we are blessed with. This little one is a true miracle and to think that we are where we are now, it just takes my breath away.

Sweets???

2011-02-09T16:35:00.000-06:00

I have gotten many comments this pregnancy, today one lady stopped me at work and asked if I was pregnant (LOL, we wear smocks so it is pretty hard to see unless I am taking the smock off which I was). I told her I was 28 weeks and she told me that I look great. So nice of her! Other women have commented about how I am carrying all in the front (which I am compared to DD) so it really makes DH and I wonder if the old wives' tale could be true for us again this time. I got huge with DD and not so much this time, could just be my body though I guess...older, not underweight this time, etc. It would be great to have a boy, but we are definitely happy with whichever gender we are blessed with. I just can't believe it is getting so close! Another lady at work told me her daughter was born at 29 weeks and she is a thriving 8th grader now...:) Makes me feel good that we are well past the viability stage...

On to the sweets...I haven't craved sweets much this pregnancy (with DD I did, sweets and pickles) but today I bought a bunch of girl scout cookies. Something I should have thought about beforehand was if I passed my 3 hour GTT or not...I called and I did pass, if not those cookies would have had to wait!

I also talked a bit with DH about how quick things are happening this time around, we could have a baby in 8 or so weeks! He was a bit shocked at that (as am I) and knows that we have to get things going with the baby's room. It is almost cleared out, but there are quite a few things that I will have to "find" a place for somewhere else in the house...

So much to do...:)

28 weeks

2011-02-07T16:01:00.002-06:00

How far along: 28 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 15 pounds - due to the hospital stay, followup appt went well and had 3 hour GTT test today - it was pretty poopy.

Maternity clothes: Definitely.

Stretch marks: No new ones.

Sleep: Ha! Hospital sleep was nonexistent. Fell asleep at about 3am the 2 nights I was there...only because I was exhausted by then...

Movement: Mostly at night.

Cravings: None. Haven't been very hungry. Being sick puts a damper on my appetite (usually I eat lots so I knew there was something wrong).

Gender: It is a surprise! I have stocked up on some neutral layette items (had more than a few neutral items left over from DD) all are washed and ready to go!

Symptoms: Normal pregnancy stuff I guess....constipation, etc.

What I miss: Not a whole lot.

What I look forward to: Meeting this little miracle.

Moods: Moody today as I still feel sick, but I made it to work. Yay.

Milestones: Another week down!

Medical Concerns: Getting over the pneumonia. Oh, and passing the 3 hour GTT.

Weekly Wisdom: My immune system is definitely comprimised when I have a cold and am pregnant. LOL

Best moment this week: Has to be the care I received at the hospital...that and DH and DD both being so great while I have been sick.

Worst moment this week: Being admitted to the hospital for 2 days due to my heartbeat issue and pneumonia.

Third trimester and I don't like hospitals...:)

2011-02-05T21:40:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I am in the 3rd trimester...:) I have had a cold the last few weeks, been taking approved drugs but nothing got rid of it. Went into urgent care and was told I had allergies, 3 days later I called in sick to work (I never do that), was running a fever, my lungs hurt, my head hurt, short of breath, and my heart felt like it was beating fast. Went to the ER and they rushed me back to a room after seeing my heartrate and blood pressure, hooked me up to an EKG machine, I couldn't breathe deep enough for them to listen to my lungs so they did a lung xray. There were 8 or so nurses working on me and that was just insane. Then they did an u/s on my legs to look for clots, didn't find any, so they did a CAT scan to look in my lungs for clots (I think) and never really told me the results of that (guessing I was ok). I sat in the ER room for hours just waiting on lab results, in pain, and trying not to freak out. A nurse finally came in and used a fetal heart monitor to check and the baby had a heartbeat. Shortly after that a doc came in and explained that they couldn't release me when my heart beat was that high (it was over 150bpm) and he told me that I had pneumonia also. So I was admitted.

After getting to my room I finally got some pain meds and had IV antibiotics and many bags of saline as I hadn't eaten or drank much at all that day due to the sickness. I talked to the doc and she explained that my white blood cell count was pretty high (infection) and she explained I had community pneumonia. After that the awesome nurse I was blessed with got me some snacks and I finally got to sleep around 2 in the morning. The next morning my OB showed up (I had just had an appt with him the day before) and he was wondering what happened...he also gave me some bad news, I failed my 1 hour gestational diabetes test that day (weird as I passed with DD), then he ordered a 1 hour fetal heart rate monitoring session every shift for the baby. I had to spend a second night in the hospital as they weren't ready to let me go as the pneumonia got worse, although my heart rate was starting to look better. So I stayed yet another night. I felt so much better the next day, not 100% (heck, I am not 100% now and probably won't be for quite awhile) but when they checked my lungs I could actually take a breath without coughing and didn't have much fluid in them anymore. So the PA asked if I felt well enough to go home...heck yes I did! LOL 3 hours of sleep a night at the hospital just doesn't cut it when you are sick.

So after 3 one hour monitoring sessions at the hospital, baby is looking great. I have a followup for the pneumonia with my OB on Tuesday and the 3 hour gestational diabetes test. I have another 11 days on one of the antibiotics and 3 more days on another. I am still on pain meds as my lung will start to hurt pretty bad, along with my throat and head when the drugs start to wear off.

So last week pretty much sucked. But I did realize that I love civilian hospitals! Everyone is so nice, and I appreciated everything they did for me. The Navy hospital where I delivered DD was not so good...:)

One lucky gal...

2011-02-01T17:27:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I think that people take their spouses for granted. I think that I have, especially in the years that I we have struggled with infertility. DH has been there for me, and he has had some struggles of his own on this journey. I never would have thought we would be where we are now when we got married almost 12 years ago. We knew from the beginning that it would be rough for us to get pregnant, so we didn't prevent...ever. Luckily we had both lost a quite a bit of weight and that had to have been the magical time for things to work correctly (yay for our unmedicated DD miracle!!). I am thankful for DH, thankful that he has stuck by me through this infertility madness that crept into my brain, thankful that he didn't give up on me and our future children, thankful that he is such a great man, thankfull that he is so understanding as this journey could have easily led to divorce. I think this infertility journey has helped us to communicate more effectively, I feel that when we talk we really listen to each other.

Should we have done things differently on this journey? Maybe. But if we had, I probably wouldn't be who I am now. I have felt lost and alone so many times over these last 4 years, but knowing I have this outlet, this blog, has changed things for me. Seeing others struggle, then end up pregnant, and giving birth to beautiful babies has made me feel something I haven't felt in a long time. HOPE.

And now here I am, one of those that struggled and now I am almost at the finish line. It has been hard as our loss last year really put things into perspective. To have something so beautiful taken away so fast is something that can't be explained. It made this pregnancy not seem real, and made us both think horrible things at each and every appointment. But now? Feeling baby Charlie moving around all day every day has me feeling pretty optimistic. Optimistic for the the rest of this pregnancy and optimistic for the next little infertility miracle we would like to be blessed with.

27 weeks...:)

2011-01-31T15:48:00.001-06:00

How far along: 27 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: Um, 20ish...er, well, probably more than that now...face is looking mighty swollen!

Maternity clothes: Definitely.

Stretch marks: No new ones, got some comments this weekend about how nice the belly is looking....:)

Sleep: This weekend the sleep was not so good, traveling and snotty nose had a lot to do with that.

Movement: Mostly at night.

Cravings: Still haven't been super hungry due to this silly cold.

Gender: It is a surprise! I have stocked up on some neutral layette items (had more than a few neutral items left over from DD) all are washed and ready to go!

Symptoms: Very swollen hands while traveling this weekend.

What I miss: The things I miss can wait 3+ months.

What I look forward to: Meeting this little miracle.

Moods: Getting a bit more emotional these days.

Milestones: Another week down!

Medical Concerns: Went to urgent care yesterday, been coughing so much that my throat hurts sooooo bad. Was told to take Benadryl to help sleep...

Weekly Wisdom: Even after many yeras, friends can totally surprise you and make you cry!

Best moment this week: Flew out east to go to a baby shower of an IF friend (only one I have in real life) and had a blast! Some other friends decided to throw me a surprise baby shower that night and I was completely clueless! It was a blast.

Worst moment this week: Just trying to get over this stupid cold...

A long way...

2011-01-26T21:42:00.001-06:00

As I sit and think about the last 4 or so years, I have come to the realization that I have changed. I went from being a happy mom of a 1.5 year old awesome little girl, to a pretty bitter infertile lady, then a lady that had a pregnancy taken away from her (still a bittter infertile lady), and now I am a scared pregnant lady. Scared of something going wrong, scared of the unknown...well, just plain scared.

I have been invited to probably around 10 baby showers in the last 3 years and how many did I end up going to? Only 3. And 2 of those showers were last year after I started this blog...which has been a great emotional outlet.

Looking back I just want to kick myself. Why didn't the OB believe me? Just because you have a child (which by the way was not an easy task either! 5 years and lots of heartache) doesn't mean you aren't suffering from SIF. I am so thankful to have found an awesome RE that understands and invited me back again next year after this little miracle blesses us with his/her smiling face...:) Maybe we will try for another? Maybe not, but having that option feels like an absolute blessing.

Miserable.

2011-01-25T20:35:00.000-06:00

Being sick sucks. That's all.

Wow! Less than 100 days!

2011-01-24T14:25:00.000-06:00

As I sit here typing and reading blogs, I have a pile of tissues waiting off to the side...why, you ask? This prego lady has an insane cold. I had been fighting it off since Wednesday or Thursday, but I am sure working the whole weekend along with some additional hours over my 40 usual hours working last week didn't help my fight. So I finally called the nurse line and got the list of meds I can take. Mucinex DM seems to be doing the trick (along with Tylenol and cough drops).

Week 26!!!

How far along: 26 weeks! Your baby would now weigh about two pounds and measures around 14 inches- just like an English hothouse cucumber.

Total weight gain/loss: 15 pounds (that is until my appt on 2/2 when I find out how much I have gained the last 4 weeks)

Maternity clothes: Definitely.

Stretch marks: No new ones.
Sleep: Eh, the cold I have been dealing with has me up at all hours blowing my nose...:(
Movement: If I sit still long enough (ha!) I can feel the little one kick (enev when sleeping).
Cravings: Haven't been very hungry the last 4-5 days due to the cold.
Gender: It is a surprise! I have stocked up on some neutral layette items (had more than a few neutral items left over from DD) all are washed and ready to go!
Symptoms: Heartburn, tired, hands are a bit swollen (already???)
What I miss: The things I miss can wait 3+ months.

What I look forward to: Meeting this little miracle.

Moods: Getting a bit more emotional these days.

Milestones: Another week down!

Medical Concerns: Not a concern, but this cold is kicking my rear! I even debated going into work today...LOL
Weekly Wisdom: Hummm...none really this week. :)
Best moment this week: Realizing that I have about 3 months to go...
Worst moment this week: No really bad moments, nothing compares to the sickness I have right now!

And a pic...25 weeks!

2011-01-18T13:41:00.003-06:00

25 weeks

2011-01-17T14:45:00.001-06:00

How far along: 25 weeks! Your baby is approximately 1.5 pounds and just under 13.7 inches long. From this point on, your baby's weight and length may vary somewhat. Every baby is different, some babies will be born weighing 7 pounds and others 10. <-- Hoping baby is on the lower end here! Not sure as DD was an 8 pounder at almost 2 weeks early...:(

Total weight gain/loss: 15 pounds.

Maternity clothes: Definitely.

Stretch marks: No new ones. Been using good lotions and oils, hoping they help.

Sleep: Pretty crazy dreams lately...one of the many things that I forgot about pregnancy...amazing what escapes my mind after 6 years...

Movement: Yes, not as much as I would like to feel, but I have to remember that the little one sleeps in there too...

Cravings: Hummm...haven't been super hungry the last week...not sure why.

Gender: It is a surprise! It sure does make people mad...:) I actually don't know many people in real life that are doing (or have done) the surprise thing...:) But the ones I do meet that have end up commending us for it! Pretty cool.

Symptoms: Not a whole lot of them this week....well, heartburn has been kicking my bum. Maybe that is why I haven't been hungry...

What I miss: The things I miss can wait 3+ months.

What I look forward to: Meeting this little miracle.

Moods: Getting a bit more emotional these days.

Milestones: Another week down!

Medical Concerns: None, although I am taking it super easy as I had 4 heart palpitations in 30 minutes last week (never had that with DD).

Weekly Wisdom: Check to see if the crib you love is in stock (or can be ordered) BEFORE you get your heart set on it. :( Ended up getting a better one, but I was still a bit mad.

Best moment this week: Um...not too many this week. Well, nothing stands out.

Worst moment this week: I think DD is realizing that things are going to be changing soon and even a 5 and a half year old (yea, we hit the stage where we HAVE to add in that half) is smart enough to realize her life is about to be turned upside down...LOL

Eggplant...LOL

2011-01-14T11:57:00.000-06:00

Funny how I get hungry every time I visit my blog. I blame it on the "How big is baby" thing on the left.
Even funnier how my uterus is now the size of a soccer ball and is starting to feel that way. It is amazing the things that you forget when 6 years passes in between pregnancies...:)

MIL in town, going to buy the crib and dresser tonight! Super excited to get things moving and get that room ready for this miracle we have been hoping for...

Heart palpitations and furniture...

2011-01-12T18:44:00.000-06:00

So I was sitting at work and my heart started racing. I thought that was odd. A few minutes later it happened again, and then again about 5 minutes later. So I called my OB, he asked if I had any caffeine (not since July) or if I had been doing any sort of activity (nope) or if I was in a warm room (yes). So I left the warm room and drank another 50 or so ounces of water. Feeling better now and didn't have to go in.

The time has come to pick out the furniture. We have it down to 2 different companies and after thinking about each set and looking at it online I think I (ha, not we) decided on the Babi Italia Eastside convertible cherry crib (and tall 5 drawer dresser). We will also buy a changing table (but not another dresser, too much $ and space used up in the room).

Here are the pics:

I think it will work out perfect. Excited to get things going and clear out that room! Doing the getting ready for baby dance now!!! :)

111 days to go on 1/11...LOL

2011-01-11T14:40:00.000-06:00

Ha! I thought that was pretty neat. 111 days to go...hard to imagine that I will be having a baby in April/early May...:) Just insane really.

Oh, and I am definitely feeling like a procrastinator. We are finally at the viability stage and I have barely thought about getting the bedroom cleared out. Kind of hard to buy a baby bedroom set when the spare room furniture is still in the baby's room...DH's mom is visiting this weekend and she wants to go pick out the crib...aaaack! Time to invite people over for a few beers and bribe them to move furniture I guess!!!

Wow...24 weeks!

2011-01-10T16:46:00.001-06:00

How far along: 24 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 15 pounds.

Maternity clothes: Yes, and the belly has definitely "popped", but not as much as about a month from now I am guessing...:)

Stretch marks: New ones, not yet...can see some old ones looking mighty fine.

Sleep: Been sleeping better, minus the falling asleep on the couch and finally going to bed (after a bathroom break) at 3am.

Movement: Yes, not as much as I would like to feel, but I have to remember that the little one sleeps in there too...

Cravings: If someone is talking about a certain food (really doesn't matter what it is) I will end up craving it. Aversions: Today? Food in general. Just not feeling hungry. I will eat though...for the baby.

Gender: We are doing the surprise thing! It sure does make people mad though...:) I actually don't know many people in real life that are doing (or have done) the surprise thing...:) But the ones I do meet that have end up commending us for it! Pretty cool.

Symptoms: Not a whole lot of them this week. Constipation has been an issue. Asked my OB and he gave the ok to take Benefiber...so I have had that a few times in the last few days along with Fiber One bars...

What I miss: Being pregnant with DD was a bit easier than this pregnancy (SCH complications) but honestly the things I do miss can wait 3+ months.

What I look forward to: Charlie being viable and being able to play music and feel Charlie move to it...

Moods: Eh, pregnancy hormones change my mood with a quickness...The Baby Story show on TLC has me in tears each and every time I watch it. To think that we will be in the delivery room again in 3+ months...eeeek!

Milestones: Another week down!

Medical Concerns: None at the moment, other than I keep forgetting to call to see if I am off of pelvic rest.

Weekly Wisdom: Crib shopping is not the most fun in the world for a 5 year old. Next time, let her bring the DS so she isn't so bored...

Best moment this week: DH, DD and I went out to eat, after we were done the server asked if we wanted D-E-S-S-E-R-T. I said no but then DD exclaimed "DESSERT?!?!?!" And then she smiled so cute at the server....LOL

Worst moment this week: Um...er...pregnancy gas. Enough said.

23 week pic...and appt update!

2011-01-05T12:51:00.000-06:00

Had my 23 week appointment today, all is well. So far I have gained 15lbs, 7 of those since my appt at 19 weeks. Had some questions on what meds I can take as I know things will start to get bad soon (heartburn, constipation...LOL). Heartbeat is at 144, the belly measured 24cm, next appointment I have to stop by and take the glucose yummy drink (seriously I like it...). I think I got the green light for not being on pelvic rest but I should probably call to make sure...:)

Articles...

2011-01-04T18:09:00.000-06:00

It is amazing what reading an article can do to me. I read an article in the Washington Post that was titled "Pain of infertility tears apart friendship". Yep, it definitely can.

Infertility is rough. I have suffered through it for all of my adult life. I was never open about my infertility until a few years ago (and in the last year I became a freak about telling every single person I talked to about my issues - which I feel really helped me, but probably annoyed the crap out of people, but eh, whatever.) But now most of my friends and family know what I have gone through (and know a little more about infertility and the struggles many couples go through) and honestly, I feel better about it all. What pains me is that there have been times that someone "judged" me for how I have gone about combating my IF. Eh, I believe that medicine and science was put on Earth to help people in any way possible...:)
The thing about infertility is that either side (the person suffering from IF or the person not suffering from it) can say or do hurtful things to other people. Before I got pregnant this time I avoided pregnant women (which is a hard thing to do at this stage in life), I avoided baby showers/babiesrus (again, hard!), but I had to get try to get myself out of that depressed mood. I started this blog to get my feelings out there and it helped me so much. It helped me to actually go to baby showers, I made a few diaper cakes (is it wrong to make one for yourself???), and I even helped a friend register at babiesrus...

Even though I am pregnant and I have a child I know that when we try again we will encounter the same issues. Pregnancy doesn't cure IF. I will always be infertile...but I will have a few earth angels along with my angel baby that looks down on me...:)

First baby item

2011-01-03T18:50:00.000-06:00

DH and I are definitely procrastinating this time around...funny, you would think that after 4 years of TTC and IF we would jump on it and get things done. I am not sure what it is, the fact that we are finally pregnant, the fact we don't know the gender, or the fact that this is our 2nd baby and the feelings we got when we were pregnant with DD are not there. It definitely feels different this time.

I think we will go this weekend to look for a crib and dresser set. We did purchase a baby swing (plugs in!) from a consignment store yesterday so that is out of the way. If this little one is anything like DD we would have spent a ton of $ on batteries for a swing (like with DD). I do have many many neutral outfits (plus all of DD's clothes) and small items for the new little one (toys, positioner, etc).

May 2nd really isn't that far away...it is less than 4 months now. Amazing that our lives are going to change so much in that short amount of time...:)

Wow...23 weeks...

2011-01-03T18:41:00.001-06:00

How far along: 23 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Around 15 pounds I am guessing.

Maternity clothes: Yes, and the belly has definitely "popped".

Stretch marks: New ones, not yet...can see some old ones looking mighty fine.

Sleep: Eh, I must have hit that point where I have to pee every 30 minutes. Two gulps of water send me to the bathroom within an hour.

Movement: Yes, lots of it at night...looks like we have another night owl like DD was.

Cravings: LOL...I don't "crave" anything unless I hear someone mention something, then I have to have that specific food right away! Aversions: Eh, none really...

Gender: Charlie is going to be a surprise! I have found many many baby items from DD that I had tucked away in plastic bins (girl clothes from NB to size 5, bedding, toys, neutral baby clothes, I hit the jackpot!)...

Symptoms: Heartburn - sometimes. Swollen nose/sinuses - yes. Fat ankles - nope. Constipation - off and on). Feeling like my belly grows all day - yes. Starting to slow down a little too...

What I miss: Being pregnant with DD was a bit easier than this pregnancy (SCH complications) but honestly the things I do miss can wait 4 months (less than that I think)...

What I look forward to: Charlie being viable and being able to play music and feel Charlie move to it...

Moods: Eh, pregnancy hormones change my mood with a quickness...

Milestones: Another week down!

Medical Concerns: Appt on Wed, I will ask about a meds list, and if I am still on pelvic rest...;)

Weekly Wisdom: New Year's eve can be fun while drinking water...LOL

Best moment this week: Sleeping in after staying up late playing video games with DD.

Worst moment this week: Getting to the point where I realized that my balance is being affected by this little one...almost busted my bum a few times on ice.

22 weeks...

2010-12-29T09:26:00.001-06:00

How far along: 22 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Uh, I don't count the weight gained from Christmas cookies and treats...so I am holding strong at 15 pounds...LOL

Maternity clothes: Yep, although I have had some people comment that I don't look halfway done...hummm...smaller baby? I hope so!

Stretch marks: Yea, it comes with the miracle...:)

Sleep: Dreaming like crazy lately, but have been sleeping ok (minus the 1-2 bathroom trips in the middle of the night).

Movement: I LOVE OJ, it helps me to really feel Charlie kick.

Cravings: Eh, hit another stage where I am not super hungry (although yesterday I couldn't get enough food).

Gender: Green team all the way! I found DD's old bedding set (Pooh) and have found many many neutral outfits to last until Charlie is born (and toys!). Have to let the lady that wants to do my shower know that maybe it should be a diaper and wipes shower (maybe gift cards?)...she wants to do a "Is it a boy or girl" party, I am just not sure I will want to be returning stuff...LOL

Symptoms: Heartburn - nope. Swollen nose/sinuses - yes. Fat ankles - nope. Constipation - yes (bad bad gas pains this week, will have to get my OB's medications list as they didn't give me one). Feeling like my belly grows all day - yes.

What I miss: Nothing. I can honestly say that I love being pregnant (all except for the fear of loss, I don't think after having experienced loss I can ever be like I was with my pregnancy with DD).

What I look forward to: Charlie being viable and being able to play music and feel Charlie move to it...

Moods: Eh, nervous...about everything. Health of the baby, work, bills, etc.

Milestones: Another week down! 18-ish weeks to go...:)

Medical Concerns: Hopefully none at the moment, we will find out next week at my appt. I am guessing that the constipation is not making it easy for me to feel Charlie move in there, I know things are ok as I feel him/her every now and then...:) Oh, and the fetal monitor that I am psycho about helps out a lot too.

Weekly Wisdom: A break from the internet and Face.book is great!

Best moment this week: Christmas morning when DD saw her presents...classic!

Worst moment this week: Trying to take care of DH while he was super sick. I say "tried" because being pregnant and trying to take care of someone who has food poisoning would have just made me sick too!

Holidays....

2010-12-23T13:51:00.001-06:00

Holidays have been rough for me the last 10 or so years...it didn't get really bad until all of our friends started having kids though. Once we did end up pg with DD I didn't have the fears that I have now. Now I fear loss (do you ever not fear loss after IF and/or loss though???), I fear the unknown, and a big fear is what if this treatment doesn't work again? I know we could scrape up the money for IVF, but we would only have one or two shots at it, and that would be after waiting a year to save the money again.

I am so thankful for what I have (but as I have stated in other blog posts, I know that my family is not complete, I have known that since DD was less than a year old), but why can't everyone that wants children have their dreams come true? That is something that will always bother me. How are some people uber lucky and have one or two or five kids, yet others that would be just as good as parents, sit with empty arms?

I have had so many people tell me that maybe it isn't in His plan for me to have another child, but those are usually the people that have never been through what so many of us IFers have. Suffering from IF for so long I finally realized that I just had to let go, and letting go was the hardest thing that I have ever done. But at the same time I felt free...free from the stresses of IF, free from the worry...but are we ever truly free? I know I will be right back in the same IF mess when this little one is born. My RE told me at my last appointment, "Whenever you are ready, you come back and see me and we'll get started working on baby #3 for you...". I can't imagine having any other RE, he is my hero, my Santa, he saved me from that deep depression, that downward spiral that was becoming my life...

21 weeks???

2010-12-22T14:09:00.002-06:00

I sit here and think that not too long ago I was mad at the world...mad at my ovaries, mad at my OB for missing the PCOS diagnosis, mad that when I did get pregnant with the OB I ended up miscarrying, mad that this would be that baby's first Christmas, mad that 4 years had been wasted because I waited 2 years to say anything to the OB, and you know what? I was just plain mad. Now I am 21 weeks pregnant, a miracle. An early birthday present that I had been wishing for...

How far along: 21 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: My best guess as of this point is I have gained about 10-15 pounds. I am sure the goodies around this time of year will add to that though.

Maternity clothes: Ha! Lupron and stim drugs did a number on me, I have been wearing maternity pants/jeans since week 5!

Stretch marks: Yea, it comes with the miracle baby...:)

Sleep: Bad dreams last night, but have been sleeping ok.

Movement: I LOVE OJ, it helps me to really feel Charlie kick.

Cravings: Uh, the past few days I have been having some gastrointestinal pains, so food isn't really high on my list.

Gender: It is a super secret...the only one that knows is the ultrasound tech...maybe we can request her for the 30-ish week 3D we want to have, she was nice.

Symptoms: Heartburn - nope. Swollen nose/sinuses - yes. Fat ankles - nope. Constipation - yes. Feeling like my belly grows all day - yes.

What I miss: Nothing. I can honestly say that I love being pregnant (all except for the fear of loss, I don't think after having experienced loss I can ever be like I was with my pregnancy with DD).

What I look forward to: Charlie being viable and being able to play music and feel Charlie move to it...

Moods: Eh, nervous...about everything. Health of the baby, work, bills, etc.

Milestones: DD felt Charlie kick last night! She was astonished.

Medical Concerns: Hopefully none at the moment, we will find out in a few weeks at my next appt.

Weekly Wisdom: The best time to go shopping at Target during the holidays = during a snowstorm.

Best moment this week: Definitely the look on DD's face when she felt Charlie move!

Worst moment this week: The horrible gas pains from last night with nothing to show for the pain! Booo.

Welcome ICLW!

2010-12-20T11:16:00.003-06:00

Hi! thanks for stopping by my blog...:) There is info about our journey in my side bar over there

<----------------- you'll have to scroll down a bit though...:)

I am Erica, and I have suffered through infertility for 11+ years. I was misdiagnosed for many of those years and when I finally got diagnosed with PCOS in January of 2010, I was happy to have that diagnosis, even if it wasn't ideal. It is hard for me to go back and think about all those lost years, but I know now that things happen for a reason.

I do have a daughter, she is 5, she was conceived naturally after I had lost 30lbs (the docs at the time were clueless as to how I got pregnant). I have never been overweight, but I guess my body needs a little less weight on it to work correctly.

This Christmas is a bit bittersweet for me. I did end up getting pregnant last year, but we lost that little one last September. It is hard to imagine that this would have been baby #2's first Christmas.

This infertility mess has been a long tough road for the both of us (and my daughter), it is almost impossible to explain to those that have never experienced infertility and loss, but we finally found a treatment that worked and we are now 21 weeks pregnant with our 2nd PCOS miracle baby.
I wish everyone the best of luck and please stick with it, I gave up so many times in the last 11 years, but last year I vowed to stick with it and not give up.

20 week ultrasound pics....

2010-12-20T10:17:00.001-06:00

Here are some of my favs:

Cute button nose just like DD...

Big feet!

I'm number 1!!!

Long legs...

Face shot

Clasping arms...

Awww...3d, can't wait for the 30-ish week ones...

20 week 4 day belly pic

2010-12-16T13:55:00.001-06:00

I cleaned the mirror this time...:)

Found a pair of maternity jeans I haven't worn in a month...now I know I am gaining weight in my butt as these pants will not fit for 4+ more months!

20 weeks...and u/s!

2010-12-13T17:07:00.000-06:00

We had the 20 week u/s this morning, baby Charlie looks great. Nothing is wrong, measured almost exactly 20 weeks (19w 6d), and we still kept the gender a secret. I told the u/s tech and she was cool, didn't let me get any sneak peaks. DD and DH kept reminding me that they think it is a girl, I figure someone should be right, so I say boy (even though I am pretty sure it is another girl...LOL). Hey, at least we have all the clothes for a girl, right?
Weekly update

How far along: 20 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Total I have gained about 8 pounds. The issue here is that I had gained over 10 in the month preceding pregnancy due to the fertility drugs (my body swells) and I had gained another 20 while TTC on Clomid. So honestly, I am about where I was with DD at this point. Hoping I don't gain too much as I didn't look like myself at the end with DD.
Maternity clothes: Yes. Not thinking people are questioning it anymore...

Stretch marks: I have found new ones...near my belly button (others are leftovers from DD)...Yay for battle wounds!

Sleep: Doing ok...getting up regularly to use the restroom, and more lately because I think I have a cold...I get thirsty.
Movement: Late afternoon and evenings are the best times for baby Charlie. At the u/s this morning the little one was not cooperating as much as the u/s tech wanted...even after I drank a glass of oj.
Cravings: I have been craving pizza since Thursday. We were going to order some on Saturday night but the blizzard kept that from happening...:( Aversions: None. Although after eating 4 Christmas cookies, cake at work did not sound appetizing. I ate it anyway though.
Gender: Did not find out today although the u/s tech told me she knew...:) She was great at hiding the parts, I know what to look for! Thought I saw something but she assured me I was wrong...LOL
Symptoms: Heartburn - nope. Swollen nose/sinuses - yes (HA! Thought that was from pregnancy but it is probably a cold as I am losing my voice, although I feel fine?). Fat ankles - nope. Constipation - yes. Not sure if this is a symptom but when I sit on the floor to type on my laptop my legs are both fall asleep.

What I miss: Not a whole lot of anything actually. Sushi on Friday (the cooked kind).

What I look forward to: Charlie being viable. DD talked about the baby coming now, was a bit hard explaining that the baby has to grow quite a bit more.

Moods: Eh, nervous...about everything. Health of the baby, work, bills, etc.

Milestones: I had drank some oj, was sitting watching TV and felt constant kicks, usually when I tell DH Charlie stops, not this time, he said he felt the kick...pretty cool.
Medical Concerns: Forgot to ask about the subchorionic hemmorhage and if it was gone today. The tech didn't say anything about it so I am assuming it is ok, but I will wait and ask at my appt in 3 weeks if it is gone.

Weekly Wisdom: A shovel in the car is a good idea if you need to dig yourself out, we had a few issues, but it happens when plows are taken off the road!
Best moment this week: Today's u/s and seeing that baby Charlie is doing great in there.
Worst moment this week: Don't really have one. The blizzard was nice, great learning experience driving in it, and fun to stay in the house with DH and DD. DD and I did some baking!

19 week 4 day baby bump

2010-12-09T15:48:00.000-06:00

Gained 8 pounds since 16 week appointment. I blame it on the cruise. This is about what I weighed with DD at this time also, but by this point I have gained 35 pounds....eeek! Total gained = 8 pounds.

Sorry about the flash glare...and the dirty mirror...LOL

Thankful for my RE...

2010-12-07T18:00:00.000-06:00

I was reading a blog just a few minutes ago and I realized that I am extremely lucky. Lucky to be pregnant after 45 (or was it 46?) months of dealing with IF. But also lucky that I had an RE that didn't skip right over injectable drugs and timed intercourse (or IUI) and have me go straight on to IVF (the gal in the blog didn't get into it, so there might be other underlying factors, plus DH and I had a child naturally although it did take 5 years to get pg with her).

Getting diagnosed with PCOS does not mean that the only route to go is the IVF route (ok, I am no doc, but I have PCOS, a pretty bad case of it, and injectables finally got me to ovulate). Sure, I overstimmed so bad that the RE's nurses eyes about popped out of her head when she saw the u/s and how many mature follies we hanging out on my ovaries...Heck, I think she even stopped counting at 20 follies...:) I can look back now and smile. Although I won't forget that pain....ever.

So, yea. I am feeling mighty lucky now, lucky and blessed to have Charlie hanging out in my belly, growing and kicking and giving me heartburn...:)

The awesome doppler/heart rate monitor thing...

2010-12-07T14:30:00.000-06:00

When I saw Charlie's heartbeat at 6 weeks pregnant I went online and bought the most awesome heart rate monitor. I knew I wouldn't hear a hb until at least 10 weeks, but just having it made me feel good. I bought this one:
http://www.amazon.com/Heart-Ultrasound-Fetal-Doppler-Display/dp/B003TM0T7A/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&qid=1291753568&sr=8-12

Right at 10 weeks I could hear the heartbeat....it was amazing. Now I know exactly where Charlie is sitting so it takes me less than 5 seconds to find the hb...I check before every appointment (ok...and at least 2 times a week)...

With DD, I had a much cheaper one (around $25), but I never used it as it was just scratchy sounding and I hated it. Worst $25 I ever spent! It was the BeBe Sounds...ugh. Never again. I will gladly spend the big bucks (ha) to have one similar to the OB's...
I am about to run out of ultrasound gel...need to buy some more stat!!! Amazon here I come!!!

19 weeks?!?!?!?

2010-12-06T15:56:00.000-06:00

Weekly update

How far along: 19 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: At my 16 week appt I had gained less than a pound. Not so sure about that now as I gorged myself most of the time on the cruise...;)...so I am expecting around 10 pounds, but we will see on Wednesday at my next OB appt!

Maternity clothes: Yes. Not thinking people are questioning it anymore...LOL

Stretch marks: Leftover ones from DD...stretch marks are inevitable, I am not scared. And now, I have found new ones...near my belly button...Yay for battle wounds!

Sleep: Doing ok...getting up once or twice a night to use the bathroom...probably doesn't help that I drink a glass of water each time I go...
Movement: Orange juice is Charlie's favorite! About 30 minutes after I drink a glass I feel those awesome thumps.
Cravings: Anything and everything! If I see someone eating something (say like pizza) I have to have it! Aversions: Um...this is where the weight gain will start! Not having any aversions now!
Gender: We are green team. Finding out at birth. Been having weird feelings it is a boy, but after hearing about Doug's grandma's dream, it is probably a girl...:) There are many people in my family that are mad and think I will give in at the ultrasound...Nope! That just makes me want to stick to my guns a bit more!

Symptoms: Heartburn - nope. Swollen nose/sinuses - yes. Fat ankles - nope.
What I miss: Not a whole lot of anything actually.

What I look forward to: Seeing everything on the 20 week u/s next week! Everything minus his/her private area...:)
Moods: Eh, nervous...about everything. Health of the baby, work, bills, etc.

Milestones: I swear I felt a little kick on the outside of my belly this morning, it is hard to tell though as I feel it from the inside too. Put DD's hand on my belly but of course Charlie didn't kick again!
Medical Concerns: The subchorionic hemorrage and the almost constant spotting.

Weekly Wisdom: Snow boots that don't lace up will probably be a good idea soon.
Best moment this week: Cooking our late Thanksgiving meal!
Worst moment this week: Got emotional this morning with DD, long story, but I almost broke down.

150 days...

2010-12-03T15:43:00.000-06:00

Amazing. Amazing to think that in 150ish days I will be meeting my new baby! I feel him/her every day now, especially when I am sitting at work in my uncomfortable chair. Just a little thump here and there to remind me that he/she is there...It is amazing what I forgot since being pregnant with DD...I love each and every day that I have with this little one in my belly...:)

Probably already mentioned this many times, but DH's grandma has predicted a girl. She has never been wrong, even when an u/s proved her wrong. DH's aunt was pregnant and it was said to be a boy from u/s, everything was bought for a boy, and the baby came out a girl, just as DH's grandma said.

This pregnancy has been completely different than with DD, but I don't think that is any way to judge whether or not this is a girl or boy. I have already been picking up miscellaneous items, not too much though, mostly clothes and things for the crib (gender neutral). We have toys leftover from DD, and honestly this time around I know I don't "need" as much. There were many thing we bought or were given that just sat there unused. Firm believer that each baby is different though and even though DD didn't like something the next one could....the essentials will do us just fine this time.

18 weeks

2010-11-28T17:28:00.000-06:00

Weekly update

How far along: 18 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: At my 16 week appt I had gained less than a pound. Not so sure about that now as I gorged myself most of the time on the cruise...;)

Maternity clothes: Yes. Not thinking people are questioning it anymore.

Stretch marks: Leftover ones from DD...stretch marks are inevitable, I am not scared.

Sleep: Not having a pregnancy pillow was a prob on the cruise, but I slept ok.

Movement: Starting to feel movement a bit more each day. Especially when I haven't eaten in awhile.

Cravings/Aversions: Any food now...kinda nice. Aversions: Eggs are still not high on my list, especially cruise ship plain eggs...:)
Gender: We are green team. Finding out at birth. Been having weird feelings it is a boy, but after hearing about Doug's grandma's dream, it is probably a girl...:)

Symptoms: Not many actually, had some major hand bloating one day on vacation when we were walking around sightseeing.
What I miss: Not a whole lot of anything actually.

What I look forward to: Getting back to everyday life and work...ran out of time off so the paychecks are looking icky.
Moods: Eh, nervous...about everything. Health of the baby, work, bills, etc.

Milestones: 18 weeks is a great milestone...;)

Medical Concerns: The subchorionic hemorrage.

Weekly Wisdom: Being pregnant on a cruise ship...the clumsiness came out! Always remember band aids and neosporin...LOL
Best moment this week: Seeing many places that I haven't seen before...vacation was great!
Worst moment this week: NONE!!!

And a few pics from the cruise:

D and DD hanging out on our balcony on the cruise ship...Love having a balcony, not sure when we can cruise again though because of the baby...unless we drop the kids off and have an "adult" cruise....hummm...

Found a conch shell graveyard in Grand Turk...Loved it!

And the prego belly...and my white feet. Couldn't get a nice tan as I hate laying out, but the feet did end up getting burned a bit...LOL

16 weeks...5.5 months to go!

2010-11-15T17:02:00.000-06:00

Weekly update

How far along: 16 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: We will find out tomorrow! Guessing around 5lbs, but I have no clue.
Maternity clothes: Yes. Although the t-shirts/sweaters still look quite huge on me.

Stretch marks: Leftover ones from DD...stretch marks are inevitable, I am not scared.

Sleep: Sleeping ok.

Movement: Starting to feel movement a bit more each day.
Cravings/Aversions: Salty stuff. Aversions: Well, fruit juice gives me some crazy heartburn, so I imagine I will not be craving that any time soon.

Gender: We are green team. Finding out at birth. Been having weird feelings it is a boy, but after hearing about Doug's grandma's dream, it is probably a girl...:)

Symptoms: Heartburn and constipation have started!!! And now I am feeling "full" and feeling the stretching going on.

What I miss: Not a whoile lot of anything actually.

What I look forward to: Our 10 day vacation. Won't be blogging for a bit after this weekend...
Moods: Eh, nervous...about everything. Health of the baby, work, bills, etc.

Milestones: This week? Hummm...making it to my next appointment without anymore crazy bleeding!
Medical Concerns: The subchorionic hemorrage.
Weekly Wisdom: Chili is good, until the heartburn hits when I am sleeping.

Best moment this week: Uh, well, DD called my baby belly fat...not really a best moment, but she is noticing the changes...
Worst moment this week: Haven't had a bad moment this week...:)

Fruit...

2010-11-14T14:43:00.000-06:00

I love logging in and seeing the size of Charlie! It would scare me a bit if this was my first child though...uh, comparing the baby to fruit, and then thinking it has to come out! I know we are working up to a watermelon here and I am completely ok with it. The little avocado has been doing somersaults lately. Been waiting too long to feel this again, so happy that I am getting the chance!

7+ inches of snow in Minnesota...so glad to be going on a vacation next weekend for 10 days...going to Miami, then a 7 day cruise to the Caribbean. Should be our last vacation for awhile...:)

Coming to terms with...

2010-11-09T19:46:00.000-06:00

Something I have thought about for quite awhile is that infertility is not cured by pregnancy. I frequent many blogs dealing with infertility and pregnancy after infertility, one of the infertility blogs stated that if you have ever been pregnant or had a child you are not infertile. Really? That boiled my blood. Something else that I saw on a infertility blog that suprised me is that there are many people out there (my OB included) that believed that since I have a child I could not be infertile. Hummm....yea, no. I am definitely infertile.

As many people know, we struggled to become pregnant with Chloe (heck, many don't know that I guess). I was told I would never get pregnant when I was 19, then at 23 after trying for 2 years we were told a fertility doc would be the only way and there weren't any of those docs overseas). After giving up until we could be stationed back in the US, we found out we were pregnant over 3 years later. After giving birth I was told to get on the pill, I didn't because we wanted another child. The docs kept saying we needed to get on the pill or I would get pregnant again right away (yea, that was what I was going for!), and I sit and laugh at those docs...how wrong they were. That is when the bitterness started to set in. Bitter towards the doctors, bitter towards my body, bitter towards pregnant women, bitter towards women that took less than a year to get pregnant, and just plain bitter. Infertility definitely changed me.

I say infertility is not cured by pregnancy because I know firsthand how quickly this baby can be taken from me and how many drugs and how much time it will take to get me to this point again. There is this fear that I feel all the time. The fear of loss. The fear of something happening and I would have another little one in heaven. The fear of this not working again after this one is born. I cherish every moment of this pregnancy but I am tired of feeling that fear. I am at the point where I am starting to feel the little miracle move around and it settles my nerves, yet the fear is still there...

I have found it is hard for me to trust that everything will work out, but I know I can't change anything so I guess I need to just let things be...